Welcome to the pity party...

Yep, here we are again feeling sorry for ourselves.  I hate it.  I feel so unbelievably pathetic when I feel so sorry for myself that I can't muster up actual feelings of joy for a big moment in a friend's life.  I've spent the entire weekend in this mode of self-pity, and doing a lot of drinking.  In fact, I returned home from a very fun engagement party only to open another bottle of wine and be so bored that I drunkenly played Wii table tennis for over an hour.  Pathetic?  Yes.  What's even more pathetic (and a little humorous) is the fact that I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a sore arm.  Seriously?  I lift weights, how is swinging around a Wii remote even comparable???

Anyway, it's not the engagement party that got to me, it was so much fun and I'm so happy for the couple and I'm excited to see their beautiful wedding...they put together an awesome intimate party, I can't even imagine the wonderfulness of their wedding!  What got to me is the same thing I've posted about before: jobs.  I like my job, but sometimes I get really frustrated with things.  I had a very welcome weekend off, in which I relaxed and intended on writing more of my novel (but only pushed out a couple hundred more words). 

It's that catch-22 so many people complain about.  I have a degree, but no experience in any of the fields I'm looking to work in, which include, but are not limited to: Marketing, Communications, Event Planning, Corporate Travel Coordinating, etc.  How do I get experience when no one will hire me?  Do people even read my compelling cover letter and resume?  Did I waste my time in college?  Do I go to grad school and risk being overqualified for an entry-level position?  Where the hell are all these entry-level positions?  Oh, that's right, they're for internships, which I may be willing to bite the bullet and do unpaid if it would lead to a promising future with a company.  But most internships are for those still in college.  I wish I lived back in the days before you applied online.  When a Human Resources manager, or whomever, had to sit and physically look at all the applicants rather than having some filtering system done for them via computer or other technology.  But, the situation probably won't be changing soon, so I digress.

So I spent the weekend hating my financial situation and how little I get paid considering I'm a college graduate and hating the work situation.  Then, this morning, I wake up thinking, "Ok, Emma, it's a brand new day and only the second day of the week, you have another day off and you're going to be extremely productive and happy."  I wandered around the house and wrote a little, then I started getting ready to go to the gym, when my phone rang.  I needed to go to work for a little bit because someone was having an emergency and couldn't get there on time.  Fine.

I go to work, I'm not there long, but it definitely hindered my productivity plans for the morning.  It was alright because that could all be made up for with my wicked time management skills.  I will admit, even though everything was fine here, I'm a planner and I get frustrated if I make a to-do list and everything doesn't get done.  I had a little freak out while driving to work trying to sort out everything in my mind and how to get it all done.  Just as I sorted it all out, then came the other blow.

I arrived at work and got everything ready for the day.  I received a text message from one of my closest guy friends saying, "I'm getting engaged today."  I replied, "Are you joking?" because it really is something he'd joke about.  These guys sometimes enjoy playing such pranks on me via text messages because I'm rather gullible with them and if I can't see your face or at least hear your voice, I can't usually tell if you're joking or lying.  He said he wasn't joking.  My heart sank into my stomach.

I suppose it makes no difference, they've been together a few years and the situation probably won't change much from what it is now...and by that I mean I rarely see him, but we still talk pretty often.  Our schedules constantly conflict.  I don't even know this girl.  Years have gone by and I swear to you, dear readers, that I've only met her three times, five at the most.  For the first year or so most of the things I've heard about her, from him, were complaints.  Therefore, I, and most of our other friends, never thought it would last this long or get this serious.

We can also rewind this whole scenario about a decade and state the fact that I dated this friend for a few weeks in high school and we broke up deciding we were better off as friends, which I'd love to say proved to be true because we became very good friends after the awkwardness went away.  Somehow, I always retained these feelings like I wish I would have hung on in the relationship a little longer, just to see what might have come of it.  Can two people really be so similar and not be meant to date?  At this point in my life, I couldn't imagine even kissing him and getting fluttery feelings, so it's not that kind of jealousy.

I'm happy he's happy, and I'm happy he's found someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I'd never, ever express anything else to him.  I don't know her, so I just hope she's the right fit for him, and I trust his judgment on the matter.  After all, no one knows him better than himself, right?

So, once again, it's time to move on with my life.  People can say all they want that I'll have my time or I'll meet a guy that will sweep  me off my feet some day, but I'm really losing faith in all the Prince Charmings out there because none have come my way in a long, long time.  I only end up with frogs that remain frogs, and I'm not willing to settle so I think I probably have a lot of waiting ahead of me.

High Maintenance Women

High maintenance women seem to be a category of women I love to hate.  I guess I just don't understand these types of women.  One of my friends (a girl) once accused me of being high maintenance for having Coach handbags.  She also said that her boyfriend is lucky he'll never have to buy her one, implying that my boyfriend at the time felt he needed to purchase expensive things for me to keep me happy.  Excuuuuse me?  This is far from the truth.  All my expensive purses have been purchased by no one other than myself and I was really offended that she'd assume something like that about me.  I don't want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things, I don't want anyone to buy me expensive things.  I like getting these things for myself, its kind of like an accomplishment or a reward to myself for something.  Everyone buys themselves designer birthday and Christmas gifts, right?  Even when they really shouldn't spend the money on it?  That's all beside the point. 

High maintenance women confuse me because I don't understand at what point in their lives they became so demanding.  I've heard countless stories from my guy friends about these women, and am thankful that I've never been inclined to do such outlandish things like them.  One of my ex-boyfriends could probably tell you I'm high maintenance, but I really think a simple phone call or a text at some point in a day or two isn't too much to ask for a committed relationship.  Hell, I don't even want to see a boyfriend every day.  Maybe 2-3 times a week, maximum.  But you could at least get in touch with me so I know you still exist!

What baffles me more than the demanding women are the men that actually put up with it.  I don't understand these people.  When a guy friend bitches endlessly about his girlfriend, I think it's probably time to part ways.  I understand, you have feelings for them, maybe you love them, but if you have to complain about their actions behind their backs and can't bring these problems to their attention, then what's the point?  Isn't communication supposed to be the most important part in successful relationships?

Obviously, I'm not one to go around touting relationship advice, since I've never even been in one for an entire year, but I still like to think I have at least a tiny bit of common sense on the topic. 

Example:  One of my friends has this girlfriend, who has, "gotten better," with her demands.  It's a distance thing, and he used to have to lie to her when he was going out with his friends sometimes because (it seemed) she wanted him to stay home if she was staying home a few hours away.  That doesn't make sense to me.  Just go out, do your thing, and text me when you get home to say goodnight or something.  She also doesn't seem to like us very much, she thinks we're mean.  I'll give that one to her, we tease each other nonstop and sometimes it can get a little draining.  But in the end, it's just teasing and she can't take the heat.  There was one time that she was his date to a wedding and we were completely turned off by something she did...every time he said something she found to be a little unacceptable, she'd literally put her hand over his mouth to stop him from talking.  I have a feeling he's himself around us, and someone else around her.  I can promise you that any boyfriend I've ever had in my life thus far would dump me if I pulled something like that.

I guess I'll just have to accept that some guys prefer being bossed around and like giving in to every demand some of these chicks make, but I hope that I never meet such a pushover guy like that.  Shouldn't everything be 50/50?  Equal amounts of give and take on both sides? 

Engagements, Babies, and Houses...Oh My!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty exciting!  They've been filled with exciting news left and right.  First, my brother and his wife are going to have a baby!  This will be my first little niece or nephew, and I'm ready to spoil the baby ASAP, I just wish I didn't have to wait 8 more months!  It's weird for me to think of my brother being a father, but I know he's going to be a good one.  Maybe not as good as our dad, because we have the best dad in the whole world, but he'll be a close second!

Also, two of my friends just got engaged!  I'm really happy for both of them, and I'm excited to celebrate their big days when the time rolls around to it.  However, me being me, I'm a little jealous.  It's strange because one friend I'm more jealous of than the other.

The first friend that got engaged I knew it was coming, but the second kind of blind sided me.  It's the second friend I'm a little more jealous of.  I've known that friend for most of my life, and she's my best friend.  We're really similar as far as our sense of humor, we can tell each other anything and everything and expect no judgment.  I can ask her something and get an honest opinion or advice, and I do the same for her.  She's been with her now-fiance for a few years and they've talked about marriage before.  She's always wanted to wait until she's finished with all her school endeavors, and she recently applied to grad school.

I guess my jealousy lies in the part of life that makes me feel like I'm being left behind.  While everyone has been out meeting their boyfriends/girlfriends/fiances/husbands/wives, I've been saving all my money to travel around Europe.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade in those travel experiences for being a wife and stuff, but I guess I wish I had focused more in the past on finding a guy that is as in love with traveling as I am.

I've been criticized in the past by a few friends for spending my money on traveling, and an ex of mine told me it was a total waste of time and money, but I just feel that there has to be a guy out there that wants to take a yearly trip to Europe, and after we've seen all those countries we'll take yearly trips to South America.  Someone that doesn't think it's a waste of time to volunteer in Tanzania and go on a safari in Kenya.  Someone who wants to go to Asia and Australia and just let go and learn about another culture.  That's the part that is so attractive to me about traveling: learning about other cultures, seeing the historical sites of places I've only read about, imagining what it must have been like to see gladiators in the Colosseum in Rome, etc.  I've been to 10 countries and I don't want to stop there!  I want to see 50 countries and all 50 states in my lifetime...and I want to do all that with someone equally passionate about it.

I guess the jealousy is mostly that she's found a guy that wants to be with her the rest of her life.  She likes traveling, too, and he's into it.  He probably knows all her ups and downs as well as I do by now, and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with her and whatever quirky habits she may bring into the situation.  I just wish I could meet someone who makes me happy like he makes her happy.  I'm so glad she's found someone like that, and I hope that my guy is just around the corner.

I've been looking at buying a house or a condo lately, and I'd really love to make such an investment.  Most days I'm really excited about it.  Then there's days like today, when I realize that making such a big investment might mean I can't travel for a while.  It's the thought of finally settling down that freaks me out.  I just don't make enough money to pay a mortgage, utilities, save money for the future, and save money to travel.  I'm hoping things will change so I can have it all, but that's a pretty famous saying, right?  "You can't have it all!"  Well, watch me, because settling down doesn't mean settling on the life you have right now.  Right? 

So, here's an early New Year's toast, or maybe a Thanksgiving toast:

I'm thankful for all the amazing people in my life, my family, friends, and the new addition I'm impatiently waiting to meet.  I'm thankful for everyone who has ever been there for me through my toughest times.  I'm thankful my two friends have found guys that treat them well and want to share the rest of their lives with.  I'm thankful for having the chance to have seen 10 countries and have amazing stories and pictures to bring home with each one.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

So, with that said, here's to moving forward!

I bet 10 minutes after writing this I'll be sulking around trying to figure out how to afford everything and my next vacation.  :)

Shoutout to my readers!!!

I'd just like to say, you guys are fantastic!  I just took a look at my blog stats and I was totally shocked to see the list of countries I've had readers from!

Argentina
Australia
Canada
Germany
Hong Kong
Latvia
Netherlands
New Zealand
Romania
United Kingdom
USA
U.S. Virgin Islands

I really do love reading about other people's lives, especially from other cultures, so if you have a blog you'd like to share please e-mail it to me at: emmaville42786@gmail.com

You can also e-mail me any stories, topics you'd like me to write about, or any questions or comments you may have!  I hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
Emma

Life Update

Since you last heard from me, a long, long time ago, a lot has happened!  Happy Halloween, by the way!  Unfortunately, I had been pretty sick and never got around to getting a costume, so I spent a relaxing night at home with some cocktails and an excellent book!

I was in Europe with my family, went to Oktoberfest in Munich, Rome, Zurich, and a few small German towns.  It was a spectacular time and I hope we do it again next year!  If not, that's fine, we did it once and it was great.

I know you know about Jordan, who is now dating someone new.  I was in Europe for a little less than two weeks, and in that time everything changed.  He's dating a girl who I won't make up a name for at this time, so I'll just call her Girl.  I know Girl, not very well, but I know her.  We all went to the same high school.  He's had a crush on her for a few years now, and he would frequently tell me about it.  Back when I dated Jordan, shortly after we broke up he told her he had feelings for her.  At that time, I was hanging out with her every now and then (through another mutual friend) and she called to ask if it was alright with me if she dated him.  I said it was, even though it really wasn't.  It's not her, it's any girl.  I didn't want him to be with any girl so soon after we broke up (a few weeks).  They didn't date.  I don't know what happened with that.

Anyway, now they're dating each other.  Maybe it was meant to be, maybe they'll have a short relationship, or a long relationship, or get married, or whatever.  Maybe they're perfect for each other.  And part of me is happy for that, really, I am.  As much as I know of her, she's a sweet girl and a good friend.  It just always sucks when, once again, you're not the right person for someone.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think Jordan is the right guy for me...but it doesn't hurt any less when you realize that, at this point in time, you're not the right person for anyone.  Obviously I'm not married, so I've never been the "right person," and I haven't found the "right person," so it is a two-way street.  It's just getting frustrating.

I don't want to talk about work.  I want to talk about the work holiday party and how I can't find an f'ing date.  Really, I'm a pretty girl, I look good in dresses, I'm funny, and I like to dance (there's dancing at this party) and have a good time.  Who wouldn't want to go with me?  Well, guys with girlfriends because those are the only kinds of guys I know.  There's this other guy, who I haven't seen in years, he's single and maybe interested.  But I don't have time for maybes, and it'd be kind of weird to go with someone you haven't seen in so long.  We talk pretty often, but our schedules never seem to line up.  I think I'm going to give up on this whole date thing.

But I don't want to give up on it!  I don't want to just meet a new guy and go with him, I want to go with someone I already know I can have fun with.  I just have this stupid imagination that tends to run wild and I imagine someone like Shawn calling me and I tell him about the party and he tells me he wants to go.  Then I get all dressed up and it'll be the first time I see him in over a year, and he'll tell me I look beautiful, and I'll believe him, we'll go to the party and he'll ask me to dance, and we'll laugh all night.  Then, he'll tell me he still likes me and wants to try it again, then I'll tell him, "No, this was only a one time thing," because he's not the right guy (as stupid as I can be about him, I at least realize he's not good for me).  We'll go home, kiss goodnight, and then I'll probably never see him again and it would at least be a much better ending than the last time we saw each other.  None of that is ever going to happen, though.

What else has been new?  Oh, I'm the extra wheel.  All the time.  And I'm getting so sick of it that I'm on the verge of being one of those girls that goes out to dinner alone or something.  My parents invited me to the Dominican Republic with them and my brother and sister-in-law.  Yeah, how about that.  Let's all get drunk and you can have your romantic vacations and I'll go back to my room and hate myself for not having met some awesome guy to share the experience with.  Plus, if I get really drunk and pass out on the beach, I really don't need my parents with me.  I've already done that and I don't think they really want to see it.  They're all going to Chicago, too.  And since I declined the Dominican Republic trip, they thought I wasn't interested, so they booked two rooms.  I went on this rant about how Chicago would be much more interesting, I can visit some family, etc, and they said, "Well, you could still come!"  Thanks for trying, but now that was just an afterthought.  I know you're all probably reading this and wondering what's wrong with me, but at this point it feels like I'd just spoil Chicago for everyone.  Anyway, no more trips for me at the moment!

November 1 is the beginning of National Novel Writing Month, so I'm going to get crackin' on that novel!  Some of you may know that it's a huge dream of mine to write and publish a novel.  I've written numerous drafts, and none of them have pleased me.  Now, I'm using National Novel Writing Month (a.k.a. NaNoWriMo) as a way to kick myself in the ass and get this novel written!  I've taken all my old drafts, made a more productive/interesting outline, and now I'm going to start back at the beginning!  I'm really excited for this project, and I really, really need it to work out.  I need to send it off to publishers and find out if I have what it takes.  If I don't, then at least I tried.  If I don't try, I'll always regret it and wonder about it for the rest of my life!

I hope this post wasn't too depressing since I'm pretty down in the dumps about love at this moment in life!  It'll get better!  I've written down tons of topics I want to blog about, I just haven't had a good opportunity to sit down and write the posts until now.  I'm really excited to finish out 2011 with a bang on this blog, and then it's on to 2012 and bigger and better things!

I'm considering making big changes to the blog, so there may be a new web address in the future, I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!  :-)

xoxo
Emma

Mistakes were made...

Before I continue this post I'd like to apologize for my hiatus again...work has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to put all my thoughts down in a blog yet!

Oh God, I'm that girl.  I've never been that girl before.  You know, the one who fools around with a guy that has a girlfriend (at least not knowing he had a girlfriend).  To top it all off, I actually broke friends-with-benefits rule #1, the most important rule: DO NOT START TO GET FEELINGS.  The only appropriate word for my entire night last night is: Fuck.

You may remember Jordan, my close friend who is also my friend with benefits.   Jordan and I haven't talked much, and haven't seen each other, in about two months.  He didn't believe me when I said this tonight, and I asked, "When did you get that tattoo?" he replied, "About two months ago."  Case and point.  Well, finally Jordan decided to meet me and my friend Snugglemuffin (this is a guy, and in various joke sexts sent between me, Jordan and Snugglemuffin, it somehow came about that we started calling him that) out for drinks tonight.  By time Jordan arrived, I was already pretty drunk.  Probably too drunk, yet I got another apple martini (they always do me in from the start) and just had some fun.

So, Jordan, Snugglemuffin and I are just sitting outside having a few laughs, when all of a sudden Matt was walking down the street.  Snugglemuffin and I went to grade school with Matt, and I really haven't seen him in about five years, so it was a really great find.  Matt stopped inside to grab a beer and sat to talk with us.  We reminisced, I sent Jordan a drunken text announcing this is who I lost my virginity to and "I would definitely have sex with him tonight if he didn't have a girlfriend."

Jordan replied, "That's on him, you're not cheating."
I said, "Yeah, I don't buy into that but he's a good boy and wouldn't cheat."
Jordan said, "I'll cheat."

MIND BLOWING!  So that's why you've been ignoring me?  In true Jordan fashion, when he gets a girlfriend we're not even friends...without benefits.  Or we are, but not like when he's single.  As the events of the night progressed, I find out that I know this girl (she went to high school with us and he dated her back then, too), she lives in another state, and they have been dating less than a week.

Snugglemuffin and Matt went inside because they were taking down the patio tables and chairs.  Jordan and I sat on the steps outside the bar and had another cigarette.  I told him I was feeling sick, he told me I wasn't driving and he'd make sure I got home, and then I buried my face in my hands.  He put his arm around me and his face close to my ear and said, "Hey, what's wrong?"  He got the silent treatment and said, "Emma, come on, tell me what's wrong, you tell me everything!"

"What do you mean what's wrong?" I slurred, "I just said I'm feeling sick so that's what's wrong."
"It seems like there's more to it than that."
"Nope."
"OK, when you give one word answers I know there's more to the story."
"Fine, FINE!  I'll tell you..." I took a deep breath and let it all out, "I can't believe you'd do this.  This is the second time you've had a girlfriend and asked me for sex, and that's not OK.  I mean, let's forget all about the morals here and just look at the situation on your end: you date girls you obviously don't care much about.  I don't know why you do it.  Did you cheat on me?"  Silence.  "No, really, did you cheat on me?  Because we were together for three weeks at one point and how am I supposed to know you weren't having this conversation with another girl?  How am I supposed to know I was any different?  I thought I was but, really, tell me, did you cheat on me?"
"No, I never cheated on you."
"I don't believe you."
"Well, of course you don't f***ing believe me.  Why would you?"
"You're right, I have no reason to believe you."
"Look, I haven't actually cheated on a girl since high school and I regretted that."
"Fine.  Anyway, you almost ignore me for two months, announce you have a girlfriend, and then ask for sex.  What am I supposed to do about that?"
"Like I said before, it's not on you, it's on me."
"Yeah, but if I'm truly a good friend, I wouldn't let you cheat.  I wouldn't encourage you to do it, and I wouldn't let you do it with me.  I also don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out that you regret this and resent me for allowing it."
"I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.  I really wouldn't regret it."
"Damn it!  Did you just look down my shirt?!"
"I'M SORRY!"

Then we laughed.  We went inside, paid my bill (he wasn't drinking) and he took me home.  I invited him to the patio for a cigarette.  I asked him, again, why he would date someone he's willing to cheat on.  Why would he even bother when he could be single and guilt-free?  Why does he date all his friends, or develop feelings for them?  He doesn't know the answers to any of these questions.

Finally, he was going to leave, I hugged him and in my complete, drunken stupor said, "Don't go."
"You're really sending me mixed signals here."
"I'm not.  I've told you I want to have sex with you.  I just want to have single sex.  You know that."
"I know, but I'm not going to call her right now and break up with her."
"So you'll call her tomorrow and do it?  Then tomorrow night we'll be all clear?" I asked, extremely hopeful.  When I found out he had this girlfriend, I got jealous.  That's when I knew the feelings were there.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, but right now I have a boner and I can only think about doing dirty things to you."
"You have a boner?" I said and pushed myself against him harder (yeah, thanks for encouraging it, drunk Emma), "Yeah, you do."
He laughed.
"Just don't leave yet, sit down and smoke another cigarette."

He sat down, I sat on his lap, put my head on his shoulder, and while he was smoking said, "Alright, if you don't want to have sex you're going to need to stop breathing on my neck because it's really turning me on."  I'll admit, I was doing that on purpose.  Drunk Emma is a horrible person! 

To cut out a lot of the middle talk here, which is all me repeating the same questions about why he'd cheat, as if the answers were going to be different, we started fooling around.  For some reason, I thought if we didn't kiss it would be less intimate and not as big of a deal.  Then he grabbed my face and planted one on me, and then it happened.  Not only was I really jealous, I had butterflies.  Those stupid, annoying, ridiculous jitters in your stomach that basically say, "HEY!  THIS IS GREAT!  KEEP GOING!" and make you think there's chemistry.

Jordan and I have a lot of strange conversations, they all stem from stupid things I usually say.  I mean, how many people create a game like Hungry, Hungry Hippos and call it Hungry, Hungry Money?  Only Drunk Emma.  It's a really great game, I'll have to explain it some time.  Also, I have a habit of telling him I have a boner instead of saying something normal.  Every time I say, "I really have a boner," he says, "I'm not sure I want to do this anymore," then pretends he's feeling around for my "erection," makes a relieved face, and continues kissing me while we laugh about it.  We have a lot of other things, but they may just be too weird.  In any event, we start laughing and end up having a really great time.

We're in the chair, he stands up while still holding me, I wrap my legs around him, and he walks to his car while still making out.  Since I'm still doing my signature Drunk Emma Laugh, it's obvious I'm in no condition to drive.  I have made it clear I don't have condoms, he didn't have any with him, we'll need to go buy some or go to his place.  Once in the car we start making out more, he says, "I just want these clothes to be off of you," I say, "I know, I know," and we keep going.  I've got a whole new set of butterflies.  The other ones telling me it's a great idea are still there, but these new ones are telling me how much of a bitch I am.

Screw the condoms, we're not having sex.  I made that clear.  "Look, I'm totally fine not having sex, but how is this OK and that's not?" he asked while his hands were doing things.  "It's not OK, but it's not as bad.  I don't know.  I don't need a reason since you can't tell me why you'd date a girl you're willing to cheat on," I reply while my hands are working on things.  He reclined my seat and things progressed.  He reclined his seat, pulled me over, my butt almost hit the steering wheel and I made yet another outlandish drunken comment: "What if my butt hit the steering wheel and it honked really loud and it seemed like a massive...I don't know...like a giant..."  he interrupted and finished my sentence for me, "fart?"  YES!  I just laughed hysterically, the Drunk Emma Laugh, and we kept kissing while laughing.  Now I'm sans pants, in my own driveway, in someone else's car.  This is a first.

He said we needed to go get condoms, I said no, he said that was fine.  Then it happened.  Yes, that's right it.  As if this situation couldn't get any worse.  I stopped kissing him, moved back to my side of the car, put my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands and just sat there staring at the ground.

"Hey, what's wrong?  Really, I don't want you to feel like you have to do any of this, I don't want you to feel bad about it," he said
"I don't."
"I don't believe you."
"Fine, I feel bad about this, but I feel even worse about something else, and the fact that I feel worse about something else makes me feel even worse for not feeling bad enough about what we're doing."  If you don't know, I know exactly what I'm talking about and can explain this later.
"Is that drunk talk?"
"Yes.  No.  I don't know.  But mostly yes.  True drunk talk."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that sometimes I have feelings for you as more than a friend and sometimes I don't.  And no, I don't have feelings when we're having sex and no feelings when we're not.  Sometimes I've been pretty emotionally detached when we're doing it."
"Is this one of the sometimes you do, or sometimes you don't?"
"I don't want to tell you."
"You can tell me, but you don't have to."

...and here comes strikes two and three:

"IT'S A SOMETIMES I DO.  I HAVE FEELINGS AS MORE THAN A FRIEND RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO CRY!"

Seriously, Emma?  Did you have to go out, get wasted, have fun, help your friend cheat, expose your feelings for him, and cry?  You couldn't just go out and have fun?  I don't cry in front of guys.  I try not to even cry because of them, and here I am like a little baby sniffling and whimpering while he pulls me into him and gives me a big hug.

Seriously, Jordan?  This is where you're supposed to say, "I didn't know you felt that way!  I have feelings for you too, all the time.  I just started dating this girl because I was giving up on you, but now that I know I can dump her!"  I mean, really, your silence speaks volumes.  Therefore, Drunk Emma cries even more.

"Emma, it's really OK," he said.
"No, it's not.  None of this is OK and your penis is still out."
He laughed, "Well I can put it away and then continue hugging you."
"No, don't put it away.  You don't feel the same and that's OK."

Silence.

"Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum came on the radio.  So we kissed and we fooled around some more.  We laughed a lot.  We stopped, he went home, I told him to text me when he got home since it was 4AM and I wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel.  I went in the house, consulted Facebook, and there it was.  Yesterday he listed his status as in a relationship with that girl.  And here I am.  Crushed.

It was fine when he was single, I didn't care.  But now that this other girl is in the picture I've gotten pretty jealous and realized these feelings are there.  I might see him tomorrow night.  I am just not sure what to do.  Part of me wants to just explode and ask him why I'm not good enough and how many people have to tell me we should just be dating each other.  The other part of me wants to just forget about it and move on, but I'm not sure how to move on from something that has, all along, seemed like such a sure thing.  Also, I can't believe I actually helped him cheat.  I also don't believe him when he says he doesn't feel bad.  Being a compulsive over-thinker, I wonder if he doesn't feel bad because he has feelings for me.  Being a smart girl, I know he doesn't, and he doesn't feel bad because that's just how he is.



PS - I'm usually not like that when I'm drunk.

"No," means....NO!

Alright guys, let's just keep it plain and simple: the word "no," always means exactly that...no.  I know there are girls out there that like to play little mind games and they think they're being flirty when they tell you "no," about something, but those girls shouldn't get any more of your attention because they're weird.  So, play it safe and just walk away when someone says no.  Even if it seems to be a simple situation.  No.

Here's what happened to me the other day...

I was at work and decided to have a cigarette (yeah, this whole scenario is reason number one million to quit smoking.  Reason number one million and one is the run-in with a raccoon the other night while smoking my before bed cigarette).  I walked out the front door and was standing between my store and a popular video game store.  I stand here because it's next to one of those smokers' poles, or butt depots.  I was just minding my own business, having a cigarette, texting some people, when a car pulled up and parked in the front row.  A guy got out and yelled, "Damn girl!  You're gorgeous!"

He's not talking to me, I thought, as I inconspicuously looked to my left and right, realizing I was the only person standing out there.  Shit.  The guy came walking up to me, video games in hand, and this is what happened from there:

"Hey beautiful, what's your name?"  he asked.
"Umm, Emma,"  Shit!  Why did I give him my real name?!
"How old are you?"
"What do you think?"
"20?"
"Nope."
"17?"
"Ew.  No.  25.  How old are you?"
"Legal."
"Legal?  For what?"  This is where I got an attitude.
"I'm 23," he said laughing.
"I don't think you're funny."
"Aw, come on, I was only joking."
"I don't care."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"Can I get your number?"
"No."
"Awww, come on, I wanna take you out to dinner and make you smile."
"I just don't see that happening.  Sorry."
"Come on," he said, opening his flip phone, "what's your number?"
"Sorry buddy, you're not getting it."
"Just let me have it!"
"ALRIGHT!  How about you go return your games, and I'll think about it and let you know when you come back out."
"Sounds good," he said, winking and walking into the store.

I waited for the game store's door to close, I leisurely walked over to my store, and as soon as I got inside I literally ran to the back room, where I hid until my coworker told me the car I pointed out to her was gone.

You know, I've never pulled such a bitchy move before.  But I've never had to refuse someone my phone number more than once, maybe twice.  That wasn't fun and flirty, that was a straight up no.  I can't believe some of you guys!  Persistence is one thing, annoyance is another.  Have a little dignity, when a girl says no, take it at face value.  If she was just trying to be flirty and weird when she said, "no," you need to move on.  It'll be her loss.  When she realizes her flirting tactic sucked, if she's interested enough she'll find a way to get you back to conversation.

Seriously.

No means no. 

And let's talk for a second about his entire approach.  I wasn't really attracted to him, and even if I was, I would have reacted the same way.  I just don't like such an abrasive approach.  I'm not sure how many girls do.

Problems with boobs

You'd think this would go without saying, but I can't believe how many women I see walking around without properly fitting bras.  But, how do you know if the bra fits right?

The biggest bad bra mistake is the four boob.  That's right.  The four boob.  You might think this looks sexy, because your bra is about 3 sizes too small so your boobs are spilling out of them into the middle creating...cleavage!  Yes!  We all want cleavage!  But do you really want it at the expense of the rest of the area looking good?  Buy a push up bra.  In your size.  I know you know you have four boob syndrome, because there's no way you can't feel it.  And if you check yourself out in mirrors/windows/puddles/anything that reflects, I know you see it too.  This is not sexy.  I repeat: NOT SEXY.

Uh oh...four boob syndrome is sweeping the nation!  However, this isn't the worst case I've seen!

You're probably sitting there thinking, "Emma!  You don't understand!  I have big boobs!"  Hey!  Me too!  I've pretty much dumped Victoria's Secret, because even their DD's don't really do it for me.  I've done the tests.  I found this cute bra/panties set I wanted.  I tried on the bra in the fitting room.  I jumped around, bent over, shimmied, and my boobs stayed in place!  I wore the bra to work the next day and suddenly I had four boob, from just standing and walking around.  I went home and changed my bra on my lunch break.  Until then, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom readjusting myself. 

I also have a big problem with big bras.  I don't think it's at all fair that the big boob bras are all disgusting and granny like.  Thankfully, I've found an amazing boutique that caters to the well-endowed (they have the smaller sizes, too).  I know not everyone has access to this type of store, but go online!  Buy some great bras!  I'm here to tell you that even the big boob girls can get cute and sexy bras...that fit!

Please don't wear a bright red bra under your white t-shirt.  Why not leave a little something to the imagination?

Have you ever had a bra that fit really well, but you still have that tiny bit of boob spill on the outer edges of the cups, near your armpits?  Yeah, me too.  I think boob spill is just a fact of life.  However, try as hard as possible not to wear a tank top or shirt that showcases your boob spill.

Ladies, I'm being totally serious: Once you find a bra that really, truly fits, you'll thank yourself for it.  I now have a few every day bras and quite a few fancy bras and they fit great.  The best part is I really don't even feel them throughout the day!

So, what size bra do I wear now that they fit me properly?  Well, depending on the bra, 36DD or 36E.

Let's all give our girls a break and treat them right, k?

Dream Man Checklist (I made a few changes)

I've never really thought about creating an actual checklist of qualities my dream man would have until a few years ago when I saw a few episodes of the show Tough Love on VH1.  On this show, a professional matchmaker helps women find men while teaching them valuable love lessons on the way.  Sometimes it comes down to a girl just not caring enough about herself, or being too insecure, not knowing how to talk to guys, etc.  There was one lady on the show that had a checklist of her dream man, and the matchmaker, Steve, told her to ditch that list.  I understand why he made her get rid of it, it's not fair to you or your potential mate to have a list of qualifications they must meet.  What if your list has 10 things on it, and he/she only has seven or eight of those qualities?  You could still be missing out on something really great!

On the other hand, I can see the good side of such a list.  Throughout all of my relationships I constantly find myself relieved when I realize this guy doesn't do that annoying thing so-and-so did, but usually the new guy ends up doing something bogus (I know some day I'll meet a guy that doesn't do bogus things, but so far that's mostly what I've encountered...come on, good guys!  I'm waiting!).  I think it's only natural to create these mental checklists based on past experiences, after all, you should be trying to improve, right?

Maybe you're thinking it isn't fair for a woman (or anyone) to have a list in mind, maybe now you'll go on a date wondering if the other person is mentally checking items off the list or not, but we all have some form of a list.  For example, you don't approach someone with hopes of getting their phone number unless they meet your physical checklist, or at least part of it.  Would you walk up to someone you find totally unattractive and try to date them?  Maybe that sounds harsh, but physical attraction is usually a reason people start talking (correct me if I'm wrong).

On another note, when I was on OkCupid for a short period of time, I was asked to fill out part of my profile that was titled, "What I'm looking for."  This just invites all those lists!  I must admit, this was a hard one to fill out.  How do I single out a group of guys?  Even more mind boggling, does any guy even meet all the qualities of my checklist?  He could, but still be a jerk.  I guess I'll have to add, "not a jerk" to the list, just in case.  Anyway, with much consideration, I've decided to compile a list of things I look for in a guy.  These aren't mandatory, but I think it'd be pretty sweet if I could find someone like this!

Physical
1. Taller than me...I love to wear heels!  Plus, I'm only 5'4 so this isn't very hard to do.
2. Nice arms
3. Not skrawny.  Total turnoff (for me).
4. No long hair
5. Nice teeth (Trivial?  Perhaps, but I can't help what I like!)
6. Showers regularly (Yes, I've had some stinkers hit on me).

Personality
1. Sweet - You can say sweet things, they don't need to be cheesy.  Everyone likes to hear they're beautiful!
2. Funny - With a similar sense of humor as me.  I'm pretty sarcastic and sometimes people don't get it.  If you can make me laugh until I cry that would be outstanding.
3. Romantic - Yes, I'd like to randomly receive flowers or something, even just once.   
4. Mature, with the ability to be totally goofy sometimes.  By mature I mean you're out of your frat-boy partying phase.
5. Responsible - This goes along with maturity.
6. Not a jerk.
7. Confident, not conceited, cocky or arrogant.  There's a big difference!
8. Outgoing
9. Flirty
10. Respectful
11. Intelligent.  I constantly try to learn new things and I Google pretty much everything.  I often blurt out completely useless information.  Did you know in Disney World, if someone vomits on a ride they call it a protein spill?
12. Doesn't need to spend every day with me.  I'm not ready for that.
13. Isn't intimidated by my fear of commitment.
14. Likes me for who I am!
15. Loves to travel...because I pretty much want to go everywhere in the world!

I think it's pretty simple.  I could have gotten super cheesy and added something about holding hands in public and making me tingle every time we kiss and blah blah blah.  But why?  If there's a real "spark" there, that stuff will just happen.  At least I hope it would.

Dr. Temperance Brennan & Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones

Or, how about everyone just watches the TV show Bones, because Agent Booth is pretty hot, and he has a great personality.  I have no idea if David Boreanaz is actually a good guy or not, and personality definitely factors in with hotness.  Anyway, if I could find a guy like that, I'd be all set.  But I'm going to get back to reality! : )

Maybe my list seems short, but it's all I can come up with without narrowing my options down to some guy you only read about in a fairytale or see in a movie.  I think the personality qualities I look for are all ones I have, so I don't think it's too much to ask for in a potential mate.  I know people out there have lists, but I'm curious what they include on theirs!  Feel free to share!

Stressed

Well, isn't that helpful?

Today I'd like to just sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I don't really have many days like this but at this point I am stressed to my limit.

I'm tired of having a job outside my field, I'm tired of not getting interviews for jobs in my field, I'm tired of half ass friends and people who say stupid things.  I'm physically tired, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep because I wake up a million times every night and I'm tired of trying to figure out the next step in my life.  I'm tired of even thinking about what to do with my life and how to get a job I love but I can't stop thinking about it.  It seems to consume 90% of my day.  I'm tired of lazy people.  I'm frustrated at not having time to work out like I want to, because that's what really de-stresses me.

I miss my best friend, we haven't talked in over a year and I guess that's just what happens sometimes.  We've been best friends for 15 years, and now we don't talk because of some really stupid stuff.  And yes, I've tried.  I think this bridge is just burned and we aren't going to rebuild it.  I've spent a year without her, but sometimes I just need her goofy jokes to get me through the day.

Everyone keeps asking when I'll move to Italy, and I don't know.  I don't want to move there forever, but maybe I need a year or two in a different place to collect my thoughts and come home with new experiences again.  But no matter what I do, in the next year or two I want to advance my career and have a big girl job.  None of that is looking good so far.

So here I am, sitting outside drinking my post-workout protein shake and smoking a cigarette (yes, I'm the picture of health) and complaining about things via blog.  How pathetic is that?  The best part of my week is the two 30 minute sessions I spend with the personal trainer.  He's hot and I don't think about the rest of my life because he pushes me to my limits.  When I run on my own I think of all this stupid crap and never come up with any solutions.

Right, so this post is just annoying and stupid, but it's all I have right now.  I promise later in the week my next post will be back to normal!

The Elusive Younger Woman

Ah, the younger woman.  Something a lot of men dream about and a lot of women fear.  I’ve never been actually dumped for a younger woman, but not too long after Shawn and I ended our relationship, he was dating a younger woman.

(Insert sound byte of a needle scratching across a record)

Wait, what?

I’m 25, how much younger does it get?

19.

You can’t even take that girl out to a bar!  You can’t order a bottle of wine with dinner!  You’re stuck with house parties and hoping her fake ID doesn’t get taken away! 

I understand in Shawn’s case this could be appealing because they’re on the same maturity level.  This is a guy that, when drunk and eating at a 24-hour diner with his friends, said, “Hey, Emma!  Look!  I’m like a boat!” and made bubbles in his water that splashed all over me.  Yes, readers, I did resist the urge to slap the bottom of the glass so it dumped all over his face.  I’m not that harsh. 

*Note* At the same post-bar meal, one of the girls at the table asked me, “I wax snatches for a living, does that bother you?” to which I replied, “No, what bothers me is that you’re talking.”  She had it coming.  I didn’t ask what she did for a living, and she was extremely annoying all night.  I won’t get into the details of this particular night (maybe in another post), but a fun night turned pretty sour with some of these people.  This particular girl was so drunk and sloppy, and earlier that night I quoted one of the best movies ever, Stepbrothers, and said to her, "I remember when I had my first beer."  I'm pretty sure she hated me.  But these are the types of people he hung out with.

I understand that older men like younger girls because of the whole sex-drive-in-high-speed thing.  But other than sex, I’m not sure how a relationship with someone considerably younger is beneficial mentally.  I’m not saying the age leap from 25 to 19 is huge, but we are definitely at different points in our lives.  I’m finished with college, considering grad school, and working full time.  This girl is still in college and probably has a whole different set of priorities.  I know my goals and what I considered important has changed a lot since I was 19, so I just don’t understand the appeal.

There are those situations where age doesn’t matter, but I’m not sure why some men go out specifically looking for a younger girl.  I prefer an older guy, but only by a few years.  I have this preference based on guys my age acting like idiots.  Although, Jake was a few years older and his actions and line of thought didn’t make sense to me either.

I think this is a situation with many possible answers, but I’m just not sure what they all are!

Strippers & Oily Man Butts

Let’s talk about strippers.  You’ve read about them briefly in my post about Shawn, and I’d like to clear the air on my feelings about strippers.

I don’t care if that’s how a woman chooses to make money.

Seriously, I don't.  Strippers have a bad reputation of being dirty and full of diseases.  I’m sure this is very true for a lot of women in this profession, but I’m also sure there are plenty of clean ladies out there that are confident with their bodies and simply make money this way rather than having sex with everyone.  With that being said, I don’t know any clean strippers.  Two girls I’ve gone to school with became strippers, and they were the stereotypical ones, but I still think they’re super nice.

It’s not the girls, it’s the guys.

Bachelor parties, birthday parties, random manly nights, that’s all cool.  Do you hang out at a strip club on a regular basis?  Because I don’t think that’s cool.  It's not the strippers, they're just doing their jobs.  But if you go to a strip club often, I think you’re dirty, trashy, and kind of weird.  I mean, really, if you have to spend that much time in a strip club it makes me think you are desperate for attention and have no game with regular ladies.  Plus, if you’re my boyfriend, I’d rather have you cherish my body because I work really hard to keep it looking good.  I’ll gladly worship your body in return.

Guys tend to fall for the mind games.

A lot of you really, really do.  Strippers aim to keep you company and have good conversation with you, it’s their job.  I can’t tell you how many guys I know that went to a strip club for whatever reason, and swore up and down that one of the girls was seriously into them.   Does it matter?  Did you get her number?  Did you give her your number and she called you?  If you answered “no” to these last two questions, she wasn’t seriously into you.  That may be difficult for you to deal with, but it’s the truth.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally fine for you to get swept up in the fantasy of "This hot chick wants me," while it's happening.  However, when you walk out that door and go home, you should be back to reality rather than bragging to all your buddies that a stripper wants to be with you.  Unless, of course, you talk to her outside of the club (as stated above).

I’ve been to a male strip show.

My friend and I were in Las Vegas and went to see Thunder from Down Under.  We bought our tickets earlier that day, thought it’d be a funny thing to do, and got dressed up to sit at a bar outside the show area to have a few drinks.  Neither of us had been to one of these shows, so we weren’t quite sure what to expect.

We got in the show room, and there were a bunch of long tables set up with your assigned seats, a stage in the front, and a bar in the back.  We took our seats, got a few more drinks, and waited for the show.  We were all giggles, like your typical drunk girls, and the men came out on stage.  Yes, they were hot (except for the one with the long hair that looked really greasy when he started sweating).  Yes, they were tan.  Yes, they were ripped.

They were on stage performing as different men from typical female fantasies: the firefighter, the police officer, the construction worker, the guy in a tux…..the mail man?  Ok, I’ve never fantasized about a mail man before, but now we all have a new idea.  They would dance, pull a random girl on stage and grind on her (that was a little sexy, I’ll admit it), strip down to their g-strings and a hat, and then come out and dance on your table or grind on you too.  I’ve never been too fond of a man that wears a thong.

My friend and I were laughing hysterically when the first guy got to our table and was dancing on top of it.  We snickered at the ladies that were unbelievably into it, and then it happened.  He waltzed his way over to our end of the table and danced in front of us.  My laughter stopped, because now I have an oiled up mail-man-in-thong ass shaking in my face.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do about this, and I grabbed my drink and started sucking it down while leaning back in my chair away from the oily butt.  That was not hot for me.  I don’t want a man ass in my face.  Sorry boys. 

*Note* I did consider spanking him to be funny, but I was scared of what he’d do to me if I did.  We did get our pictures and thongs autographed by them at the end of the show, though.

Why some guys want to date strippers is out of my realm of comprehension.

It’s always nice when other people think your mate is good looking, but when they take off their clothes and everyone sees what you see, it’s not really that special any more, is it?  I know I wouldn’t like my boyfriend stripping down to his g-string and oiling up his ass for a bunch of other chicks.  However, if I found out my boyfriend wore a g-string or oiled up his ass just for fun, I’d probably dump him anyway.  Even if no one else saw it.  Unless it was a funny prank or a Halloween costume or something.  I can appreciate that.

Some guys create a double standard.

Once, I was hanging out with Shawn, one of his friends, and his girlfriend.  The Girlfriend brought up that she had a slight issue with them going to the strip club later that night.  I found it to be a valid complaint, she had been out of town and the guys weren't going there for any specific reason, she obviously wanted to spend time with The Boyfriend after a week of being away.  The Boyfriend said, "Well, you guys are more than welcome to come with."  The Girlfriend said something along the lines of she had been there before and didn't have much fun because none of the other guys appreciated that a girlfriend tagged along.  Valid once again, I'm sure guys don't like it when you bring the old lady to watch strippers with you! 

The Girlfriend then said that there was a male strip show later that night and we could go and she would get a few other girls to come with (mind you, I did not yet have the Vegas experience described above).  Shawn and The Boyfriend both said no way, it's different for girls to go watch guys dance around.  They never said we weren't allowed to go, but they got little whiny attitudes and reminded me of a set of toddlers.

How is it different?  They never gave us an answer other than, "It just is."  

 

What baffles me the most is an ex once asked if I cared if he went out to dinner at Hooters, but didn’t ask if I cared about frequenting strip clubs.  I don’t really care about Hooters, other than the fact that I think the uniforms could use a little updating.  Those orange shorts shouldn’t be worn by just anyone.  Yikes.

What about those guys that have to lie to their girlfriends about going to strip clubs?  Those guys annoy me too.  Really, if you have to lie about your whereabouts, no matter where you are, you shouldn’t be dating that girl anyway.  If you’re constantly at the strip club, maybe she should reconsider dating you.  At least, I would.

I understand why a lot of girls don't like guys going to strip clubs.  Like I said earlier, we want you to appreciate our bodies instead of looking at a bunch of other topless or fully naked girls.  A lot of women get insecure when you're out tipping other chicks, and I'm not going to lie, I'm one of them.  But if you demonstrate your love for my body, I'm totally cool with you having a random guys' night out and every now and then ending up at a strip club.  If you come home with a funny story, I care even less!

Maybe I need to stop dating guys from smaller towns, it seems like there's not much to do other than these local clubs.  At least, that's how they make it seem.  I feel like guys in the city are more creative with how they spend their free time, and since I live in the city I should start keeping an eye out!

My "Razor Tongue"

 Jake was full of compliments.  My favorite?  He told me Katy Perry’s song “Teenage Dream” reminded him of me because I’m a “stacked, raven hair vixen,” like her.  I think this is one of my most favorite compliments ever!  Sometimes, compliments just aren’t enough. 

Jake is the most recent and last guy I “dated.”  I’ll admit it, I met Jake online.  I’ve always been hesitant of dating online, simply because I meet enough weirdos and creepers on a daily basis…in person.  Why in the world should I log onto a website and have my picture up for even more weirdos and creepers to see?  Well, I did it anyway.  I know a few people who have found success with online dating and I decided to give it a try.  An added motive:  Shawn and I had just broken up a month or so before, I thought it’d be fun to meet as many new guys as possible and I’d get over him by seeing there are so many better guys out there.

Well, I was kidding myself.  I signed up for OkCupid, made an extremely thoughtful profile, and made sure all my spelling was correct and I used proper grammar (come on, this is one of the top 5 things I look at in your profile, you need to make a good impression!).  I then turned off my computer and nervously went to bed.  Why was I nervous?  What if I woke up in the morning to a big, fat ZERO messages?  And would it be my fault if I had no messages?  Maybe I wasn’t funny, maybe I didn’t choose the right pictures, maybe I seemed dull and stupid, or maybe I should have sent a few guys messages.  Nahh, I am a totally traditional girl.  A guy should approach me (here’s where all my guy readers groan and say it’s not fair.  I don’t  feel bad for you, women have to deal with other things that you don’t!).  Or at least a guy should smile at me or something.  I’m not just going to walk up to a guy in a bar and strike up a conversation.  Why?

1.   I’ll probably look like a slut.

2.   If I had enough courage to do this, it’s probably a joke/dare and I’m not actually interested.

3.   If I was genuinely interested, and had the courage to do this, I’d probably be pretty drunk, in which case you and your friends will laugh at me and make fun of me as soon as I leave.

4.   I think it’s really hot/sexy/manly if a guy approaches a girl in the bar (sans cheesy or creepy pick up line, of course).  Maybe I’ve seen too many chick flicks, but Hollywood has put that idea in my head and given me a definition of what is romantic (I know, I don’t necessarily think it was nice of Hollywood to do this to young women, but it happened and now we all have to suffer the consequences).

5.   I’m probably with friends (I don’t tend to drink alone, unless I’m traveling in another country alone).  I hate flirting with friends around.  Especially girl friends.  Especially drunk girl friends.  Most girls I know have a tendency to give you that goofy smile and make a high-pitched, “OOOOOOOOO!” noise when you’re finished talking to a guy.  I would like to bypass this experience whenever possible.  Please and thank you.

Anyway, I nixed the idea of sending any first messages.  I woke up the next morning, surprised and happy!  I had 17 new messages!  I read the messages, looked at some profiles, I replied to zero of them.  I went to work, came home nine hours later, 12 new messages!  I replied to one of them.  He replied, using excessively poor grammar, but he seemed sweet so I gave him a try.  Then he asked me what my favorite position was.  Next.  The next few days went the same way.  I found myself online, with these attractive guys messaging me the most stupid things I could imagine.  Sorry, but you’re probably not hot enough to say such stupid things.  I got pretty pissed at how much time I was spending on this online dating thing, it felt like a part time job and I don’t care about having a boyfriend enough to devote so much time to searching for one.

Then, I was getting ready to leave for Vegas.  A few days before I received a message from Jake.  He seemed funny, his profile made him seem really smart, and he was a few years older (score!  I like guys that are a little more mature than drink-til-you-puke).  He was really cute.  I replied to his message, he replied again, and we kept this going.  I gave him my phone number and said I was leaving for Vegas in a few days.  He sent me a text before leaving and I sent him one again when I got back (after all, Vegas was not about talking to some guy I just met online back home).

Let’s cut to the chase.  I came home, we texted, called, and met.  The first date went really well, we made out for an eternity after, went home, and I was really excited that I met such a nice guy.  We went out again, and again, and again.  We were talking pretty frequently.  I patiently waited for him to make a move.  Each new date I thought he’d finally make things official.  Here’s me waiting for the guy.  Again.

Hold it right there!  Why should I wait?  OK, let’s try something new, I’ll put myself out there.

We were texting one night (primary form of communication) and a guy friend told me to ask Jake if we were exclusive or not.  I felt completely stupid doing this, but I did so anyway.  We had been texting for almost an hour, I asked, no reply.  Shit.  Now I want to barf.  I couldn’t just leave it alone.  I couldn’t just be myself and wait it out.  I had to be like every other clingy/needy girl on the planet.  Except, I wasn’t really trying to be clingy or needy, I had another guy interested in going on a date and I wanted to know where I stood with Jake.  Three hours later, still no reply.  The next day.  No reply.  But Shawn called and wanted to know if I’d be interested in dating again.  I entertained this idea for two more days, when Jake finally replied.  He said that he didn’t mean to put me on the “back burner” but he had a ton of homework to finish up (he was in his last semester at school and had taken a few years off and done study abroad).  Right.  So you wait til I ask something remotely important to put me on the back burner?  What happened to saying something like, “Sorry, I can’t talk about this right now.”  I’d understand that! 

Well, he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, I confirmed I wasn’t either (assuming this would lead into a real relationship) and we resumed life as usual, seeing each other a little more frequently.  I dealt with this for eight months.  I was his half-ass, part-time girlfriend, except without that actual title.  One day, he asked what I was going to do and I said, “Well, to be honest, I met a guy last night and I think I’m going to go out with him tonight. If that affects anything that we’re doing here, let me know.”  He said, “Well, of course I don’t like you seeing someone else, but we’re not officially in a relationship so I can’t really be mad about it.”  Yeah, true, but you can be mad at yourself.  I never had the guts to go through with the date.  I magically felt like I’d be cheating on someone that wasn’t actually my boyfriend.  Figure that one out.

Wait a second, am I being manipulated here?  This can’t do.  We had a few conversations about it, and now we don’t talk anymore.  I don’t want to get played.  I could have been doing so many better things with my time.  And yes, Jake, if you’re reading this you’ll know who you are even with the name change.  The eight months was a waste of time, even if you say in your mind it wasn’t a waste.  I don’t care about how much fun we had when we were together, because each and every time you would tell me we’d be in a real relationship soon.  It never happened.

But what about those fights?  What about the fact that I “have a razor tongue and say harsh things with little to no remorse”?  Well, that girl was wearing some seriously ugly shoes.  I honestly feel those shoes should have never been manufactured, and they made her calves look huge.  When I say, “Stop being such an idiot!” and laugh, I’m joking, not actually calling you an idiot.  You’ve seen me do this with friends.  When your friend looks like a drunk, sloppy slut, I think it’s your duty to tell her she looks like a drunk, sloppy slut.  Choose your own words, but it’s all the same idea, you’re preventing her from making a bigger fool out of herself.  My friends and I tease and make fun of each other all the time, if you couldn’t handle that type of interaction, you should have cut it off a long time ago.

Ah, and this was another distance thing.  Once again, he lived an hour away.  He didn’t want to call or text on a daily basis, I’m fine with that.  Once he started working he needed his “alone” time and sometimes he works late and after making dinner only has an hour to relax.  Blah blah blah.  Welcome to the real world, buddy.  I’m sorry you can’t budget your time more efficiently.  While I don’t consider a simple “How’s your day going?” text an invasion of personal space, I understand that you do.  However, if you’re going to ignore me for four or more days and claim it’s you needing personal space, a heads up would be nice.  Oh, and you having a problem with the distance still doesn’t make sense.  You need your alone time, so why would you want to physically see me more than once per week?  You have faulty logic.  But you don’t seem to understand that.  Or, you understand that’s how I see it and say, “We think differently about things.”

Which brings me to my next point.  If you say one more time that we have “fundamental differences” and “function very differently” I’ll go insane.  That was obvious from the beginning, but it didn’t bother you then.  And to set the record straight, I actually found this conversation funny:

Me:   So, why did you even join a dating site if you don’t actually want a girlfriend?
You:   It’s not a dating site.
Me:   How is OkCupid not a dating site?
You:   It’s more like Facebook, it’s just another social networking site.
Me:   Yeah, but I just went to the home page and it says, “Join the best dating site on Earth.”
You:  Whatever, Emma, I was using it more like Facebook.
Me:   Well, you have a Facebook already, so why didn’t you just use Facebook like Facebook?
You:   Fine, you’re right.
Me:   OK, that was a legit question, but fine, I’ll drop it.

I hope you find a girl that will play your games and never challenge you, because you don’t seem to like a life that’s remotely challenging.  Good luck.  Thanks for the compliments, I now look in the mirror and call myself a stacked, raven-hair vixen before I go out.  I also consider having a razor tongue a good quality.  So...I’m over it.    

Next!

Uh oh...

Uh oh.  I'm late.  And that's not some cute term I'm using.  I'm late.  Since I'm in freak out mode, this post will be pretty short.

I'm a week late, I just took a negative pregnancy test this morning, and there is no reason I should be pregnant.  I am on birth control (I missed 3 pills last month, not in a row, and took them the following day), Jordan used condoms (every. single. time), and I am so paranoid that I make him inspect them afterward (to assure there's no breaks of course!).

I called the doctor, because now I'm really worried.  What if it was a false negative?  But with what I stated above, how the hell could I possibly have a little Jordan or Emma inside me???  I find it impossible.  Anyway, the doctor said to take another pregnancy test in a week and to relax because stress will cause it to be late or skipped (so I need to relax.  I'm sorry, I don't really understand that concept right now!).  If the test is negative in a week, I can assume I'm not pregnant.  If I don't get my period next month, I need to go into the doctor's office and possibly get a new birth control pill (mine might be too strong and have caused my periods to stop).

Also, I've drastically changed my diet this past month.  Plus, I was working out twice a week, and the past three weeks I've been working out six times a week.  These are things (according to some research) that could cause me to have a late or skipped period.  Oh, and the nurse I talked to said to continue taking my pills, "They won't hurt the baby."

"Wait, what?  The baby?"
"If you are pregnant, that is."
"But chances are I'm not, right?"
"It is highly unlikely, just monitor your body the rest of this month!"

Ugh.  I hope I get my period soon and don't have to wait until next month.  Even if I'm not pregnant and I skip a period, and everything is fine, I still need that period as reassurance.

Luckily, Jordan is one of my closest friends and the one that I've been sleeping with, so I can be pretty open about it!  However, I assume he's annoyed by now.  He suggested, "pee on a stick," days ago and I finally did it today.

So, readers, give me ideas of how I can relax instead of constantly stress and worry over being pregnant (since chances are so slim), because I don't understand how it's possible to relax in such a situation!

Oh, and for all the guys that are grossed out and make a stupid face when a girl even mentions she has her period, grow up.  You all know it happens, it's a fact of life, and it's not like we describe details of what's happening down there (then you can be grossed out, those things don't need to be shared).

Shawn, Italy & Vegas

Shawn was a friend of one of my close friends, let's call him Adam.  Adam and Shawn were deployed together, and Adam bought an old car with intentions of fixing it up when he came home.  Adam, Shawn, and let's call the other guy Dan, were working on the car.  Since I hung out with Adam a lot, it was easy for me to meet Shawn.

But we do need to rewind a little here.  I'm not totally sure how it all happened, but I had actually been talking to Shawn while they were deployed, via Facebook, and we met for the first time the night they got home.  I drove Adam's fiance to the base they were arriving at because family and friends had a short amount of time to visit with them before they went to demobilization, and they were arriving at 1am and she had to work the next day (I didn't).  So, I offered to make the three hour drive so she could sleep in the car.  I intended on waiting in the car, but his fiance told me to come with.  It was a freezing night in the Midwest, in January, and we had to wait outside.  As usual, I wasn't prepared for this.  I very rarely wear gloves (only when shoveling), and a hat?  No way, that doesn't look good with my hair.

Anyway, Adam and his fiance were getting coffee, and I was sitting at a table trying to take a quick nap, when there was a tap on my shoulder and I very angrily picked up my head, assuming it was Adam, and saw it was Shawn.  We had a quick conversation, he said it was nice of me to bring the fiance, and he went back to visiting with his family.  Before the soldiers left, I went outside to use the disgusting bathrooms they had set up (but still, very thankful they were there) and I heard someone yell my name.  I turned around, and it was Shawn.  We had another quick conversation, and discovered we'd probably see each other soon while he was working on the car.

Now we can fast forward.  Adam invited me out for drinks with Shawn and Dan, and I met the three guys at a bar.  We then had to go downtown to meet one of Dan's friends.  This bar was full of hipsters, annoying guys, and very strange girls.  Adam was talking with Dan and his friend, and Shawn and I drank our beers and talked in a less populated area of the bar.  We then left and went back to our area for a drink at a much better bar.  Shawn sat next to me and we laughed all night, it was weird connecting with someone like that so fast.  It felt like we were back in high school, he seemed like he was reaching for my hand, but I couldn't really tell so I didn't do anything about it.  We went back to Dan's apartment to watch a movie.  Dan went to bed, Adam left, Shawn was spending the night there (he lives an hour away) and asked if I wanted to stay and finish the movie.  We started making out, he said he'd be spending the night tomorrow night, and we made plans for an actual date.

The date went really well, we went to dinner and fooled around at the apartment, then made it official.  Shawn is now my boyfriend.  But wait!  Things don't happen that easily in my life!  I had been all set to leave for Italy (my fourth trip there) for two months.  One month to take a class and get certified to teach English, and one month to look for a job and somewhere to live.  I would then return home and start the process of moving across the Atlantic.  Shawn said he was fine with all that.  He knew about it from the beginning.  A week before I left, I was in the middle of packing and he called to say we needed to break up.  He couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone so far away, especially not knowing if I'll be coming back home for good or not.  I cried.  Yes, I broke Emma dating rule #1: Never, ever cry in front of someone that hurts your feelings.  Ever.

I was so mad at him for waiting so long to tell me this wasn't ok, and mad for him even getting into a relationship with me in the first place.  I was also mad at him for spewing out a garbage line while cuddling before falling asleep: "I don't know why, but it just feels so right with you."  I bought it.  I'll give you a moment to throw up.

Moment's over.

We ended up deciding that I'd call him during the trip and we'd talk it over then.  A few things happened to me on this trip, a week in I found out about a sick family member that would lead to my decision to come home early and not move to Italy.  Shawn didn't know about this and I never told him this was the biggest reason for my early return home.  I cut my trip short, from 8 weeks to 6 weeks, spent time traveling to Brussels and clearing my mind.  About two weeks into the trip, I called Shawn and announced my plans for coming home early.  This egotistical boy thought I was coming home early for himmadeout.  I went back to my apartment.  I never told Shawn.

Since Shawn didn't want to be with me when I got home, I figured us talking was just a friendly thing.  The night after I came home he invited me over.  I drove an hour to his house, put up all my walls, and he took them all down.  We were dating again.  Red flag: "I just don't want to be alone," came out of his mouth.  So is this about me, or you don't want to be single?  I said I wasn't going to be with him if that was the only reason for dating me, he assured me it wasn't.

A month into the relationship, he went to a strip club with some friends.  Ok, I don't care, have fun!  Less than a week later he was back there.  Ok, now I care.  I find it a bit trashy to go to strip clubs so often.  It's not like these were birthday or bachelor parties.  The first time I thought it was just a random guy's night out.  The second time, when I was upset, he informed me that a friend's family owns it and they drink for free.  They don't tip the girls!  Oh, that's so comforting.  Not.  This was a serious problem for us.  Another problem I had was how different he was around his friends.  Some of them seemed so immature.  But none of this made it important enough for me to dump him.  I had such strong feelings for the guy, and I really thought this was going to be a long term relationship.  I was falling hard for him, and the time we spent alone together was some of the best times I've ever had in my life, including all the traveling.  Was I in love?  No, but had the relationship lasted longer I probably could have been.  I've still never been in love.  Oh well.


We ended things, and I'm under the impression it was for two reasons.  He was facing a huge life change and I don't feel it's appropriate to write about, even though I've changed all the names.  The other issue was he had a problem with the hour drive between us.  I didn't ever think this was a problem.  In my mind, distance should never be an issue if two people care about each other as much as we seemed to.  I was heartbroken, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he just didn't care about me enough to deal with the distance.  As bad as it feels to realize that, it's the truth.  If I was worth it to him, we would have gotten over the distance issue.

What did I do?  Two days after my brother got married I went to Vegas with a friend.  Sorry everyone, but what happens in Vegas actually stays in Vegas in my book. :)

Shawn had started working security at the strip club.  He then called me about 3 months after the breakup, when I had just started seeing someone new, and asked me if I would ever consider getting back together.  This blew my mind.  I had been waiting for this exact phone call, but when I came home from Vegas I gave up on it ever happening. 

"You broke my heart.  I can't trust that you won't do it again.  What about the distance?"
"It doesn't matter.  But I should tell you something."

He had sex with one of the strippers.  What am I supposed to say to that?  Am I supposed to be happy for you?  Should I be more attracted to you now?  I said I would consider getting back together if he got tested for any STDs, he refused and said it was stupid.  I said, "So, you might think it's stupid, but it means a lot to me.  You can't just do it and prove that you care about what I think.  I'm not even considering dating you without it."  Needless to say, we never dated again.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to.  Here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I still miss him.  I miss laughing with him, talking to him, and I really miss falling asleep together.  We've both dated other people since then, but for me it's never been the same.  I doubt he feels the same, and I won't ask him.  That'd only be annoying and I'd only be hurting myself when he says he's happy with the girl he's seeing now.  Oh well, on to bigger and better things!

PS: The girl he's seeing now won't let him hang out with me, but when I asked for a simple STD test he wouldn't humor me.  That must say something about how much he truly cared, right?