Not enough time in the day...

Hey everyone!  I constantly say I'm going to post more, and sometime soon I'm going to actually do so.  I do have time to post, but sometimes I just don't know what to write about.  I'm going to try this new thing where I just write about what's actually on my mind other than trying to find a specific topic!

So, today, right now, I can't stop thinking about time.  I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want.  I have a lot to do, such as, work, job searching, writing my novel, working out, and random things I usually do throughout the day.  However, no one ever seems to understand that I'm actually busy!  Or, people seem to trivialize my to-do lists, so I really dislike telling people why I'm busy.  I'll outline exactly why each of these things are important to me and I think you'll understand why I'm so busy and can't go out for drinks/dinner/lunch/coffee/etc.

1. Job searching - More like career searching.  I actually pretty much enjoy my job, but let's be totally honest: I do NOT want to do this the rest of my life.  Hell, I don't even want to do this another year.  I'd love a real job, a career, full time, and then work part time at my retail job maybe 10-15 hours per week.  That's the dream.  However, it's so difficult to even get an interview for a career I'm interested in, considering I don't have any "experience."  I have not one, but two bachelor's degrees, and seven years of customer service experience.  Thrown in my work history is an internship and supervisory and manegerial experience.  This isn't enough.  I know that if I just get an interview I'll be able to "wow" them and get a damn career!  I'm motivated, and I'm applying to jobs like crazy.  I devote hours almost every day to this endeavor.  First, it takes me a while to find the jobs.  So, yesterday I had off of work.  I searched for a long time, until I found 25 jobs I feel I would be really good at.  Then I made a list of them and tomorrow I'll apply to almost all of them.  Also, tomorrow I'm doing follow-up calls for jobs I applied for last week.  So...this is time consuming and I don't know why people don't understand that.
2. Writing my novel - This is so important to me.  People constantly think I'm not actually working toward this or something.  People probably think I'm not totally serious about it, maybe that I'll never finish, or whatever.  Here's the truth: I'm going to finish this damn novel and I'm going to send it off to publishers and literary agents.  This is going to happen soon.  I'm not accepting failure.  If my novel gets rejected, I'm going to rewrite it and try again.  This is my dream, so if I set aside an hour or two for myself to write after work, then I'm going to go home and write for an hour or two.  Maybe I won't actually write, maybe I'll sit there and stare at the computer, maybe I'll do random searches for random things, maybe I'll make new playlists on iTunes, who knows.  But it's my writing time, and that's not negotiable.  I'm not hanging out with you if I plan on writing, and when I decline an invitation for drinks, I don't understand why you have to ask me, "Why not?"  Every time someone asks, I say, "I'm writing," and they say, "Do that another time!"  That's like telling me to call in sick for work to go out drinking.  I want to be a novelist, I want to be an author, I want to actually make a living with this, so it's kind of like a job.  A job I love.  So, yes, I'm staying home so I can write, because we can go out for drinks later, to celebrate, when I'm published! :)
3. Working out - I've gained 10lbs since I quit smoking (it's been a month, yay me!).  I have body image issues, I felt really good when I was 10lbs lighter, but still had to work out a lot to maintain that.  So, I'm busting my ass to get back down to that weight.  I really dont like going out when I feel crappy about myself, because it makes me feel crappier to see other people who look better and blah blah blah.  I won't skip a workout to hang out with someone.  I have to look out for me, right?

Maybe some of this is selfish, but I think I've come to a point in my life where I need to work on myself.  I'm getting annoyed with people telling me I've been anti-social.  I think working on yourself and being content and happy in your every day life is such an important thing, and I don't think it's right if I continue putting things off.  I need a change in my life, and I need it now.  I can't give myself the job of my dreams, but I can certainly continue to apply for as many jobs as I can find so I can hopefully land an interview.  I can make my dreams come true. 

Walt Disney said, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them," and I truly believe that.  Anyway, if these friends are actually good friends, then they'll still be around when I'm done with all my to-do lists, right?

Valentine's Day

For once, I didn't let my big imagination let me get extremely disappointed!

As I'm sure all of you know, yesterday was Valentine's Day.  Since I'm not currently dating anyone, I expected to have a terrible day.  However, as it got closer and closer to the day, I realized, there's absolutely no reason to have a terrible day on Valentine's Day!  In the past, it would have totally bothered me being alone.  I found it a little disgusting when I worked at a bridal store and bunches of flowers and chocolates would be delivered to girls at work.  Um, hello, some of you live with your Valentine, is that really necessary?  No, it's not, unless you just want to have some competition to see who gets the biggest bouquet, as if that means your boyfriend/fiance/husband loves you more or less than your friend with the bigger or smaller bouquet.  I just don't need all that.

Anyway, every year when I was working in a big store like that, I'd watch girls get these bouquets and cards and chocolates and whatever.  One of the years I had a boyfriend, but we broke up just over a week before Valentine's Day.  So, of course, I had this whole idea in my head that he was going to send me flowers at work and ask me to take him back.  I'd tell him it was a kind gesture, and then maybe we could go on a date after work or something, and then we wouldn't date again and I'd say, "We broke up for a reason!"  None of that ever happened.  But, every single year I'd let my imagination get the best of me and I'd think of some guy that I went out with once or twice that might have flowers sent to my work.  To this day, only one boyfriend has ever actually given me flowers at work.  He delivered the flowers himself, when he picked me up from work to take me on a date.  That was our 4th or 5th date.  We were 19.  I never received flowers at work again.

So, yes, when I was working in that type of environment I'd feel bad.  However, now I'm working in a smaller store, and today it was just me and one other girl.  I'm not going to lie, I had a pretty bomb ass day.  I got sooo much stuff done it was kind of ridiculous.  I was feeling really great about how productive we were, and the stuff we accomplished today was not only good for business today, but good for business in the future.  Sure, I've said in the past that I enjoy this job but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but while I apply for careers I'm going to stay at this job and do the best I can and try to excel at it.  Anyway, it was a good day at work.

All day it was just another day to me.  There was absolutely no feeling bad about being single and there was no jealousy over someone else getting flowers.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a total romantic (even though sometimes I try to deny it and claim, "I'm not some cheesy girl," I really am).  I thought of 5-10 guys that might possibly be interested in sending me flowers at work today.  Of course, none of them did.  It's not a huge deal.  For once, I didn't allow myself to get disappointed from my imagination.  If any of those guys had gotten me flowers it would have been weird anyway, especially since I don't really want to date any of them!

I had this great day yesterday, and Monday was really great.  I have a feeling the week is going to continue this way, and there's just something inside me that is excited.  I have no idea what I'm excited for, and I don't really have anything specific to be excited about...I'm just excited!  Maybe it's because I'm not so stressed out, which is probably because I've been spending a lot of time alone, working out, writing, reading, or sometimes just watching a movie with some wine.  I'm so much more relaxed not dealing with everyone's problems all the time, which in turn creates more problems for me.  I'm almost to a point in my life where I'm ready to go out and start meeting guys again.  A few months ago, any guy I would have met or considered dating would have probably been totally horrible for me, but now I think I can choose someone better.  I think I can choose a guy that's not going to annoy me or break my heart (but I'm attempting to knock on wood as I type this).

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, and I constantly say I'm going to post more, then I bail again.  The fact is, I have plenty of time to write and post blogs, I just thought I ran out of interesting topics since my search for a guy ended for a while.  But, I think now I'm going to just write about whatever I want and feel like writing in the meantime.  After all, this blog is about my whole life!

Oh, and Monday was my one month anniversary for being smoke-free.  I've been nicotine and cigarette free for a whole month!  I'm so proud of myself...and also craving a cigarette...but I've started to get disgusted by the smell of cigarettes so I don't actually want one bad enough to give into my cravings.  Yay me!