Uhhh...what about ME?

So, here's the deal:  I'm getting really, really fed up with people.  So much for the part of my New Year's Resolutions where I claim I'm going to do more for myself!  I've come to discover it's pretty difficult to do more for yourself when no one thinks of you.

That's right, I said it...no one thinks of me.  And I'm not just talking about guys don't think about dating me, or whatever.  I mean that everyone this week has been a giant disappointment.  No one thinks of what may or may not be convenient for me.  No one thinks about what I have to do today, tomorrow, or next week.  I don't want to go into a ton of detail because I need to just put it all behind me and move on, but here are the basics:

Part of my family has changed plans and can no longer take care of something for the original time they offered to do so.  I understand that they're doing a favor, and when it turns out they aren't able to do the favor as intended, the responsibility has to fall on me.  I just wish it didn't turn out that way.  I ended up figuring everything out and the whole situation is going to be totally fine, but I'm really, really bad at last minute things.  I don't do last minute very well and I get extremely stressed out with these situations.

So, I thought I was de-stressed about that, until I got to work.  I arrive at work to find out another manager has scheduled me to work at a different location this weekend.  Nothing like a little short notice.  If they'd have asked me they'd know I can't work anywhere else on Saturday because my manager is on vacation and we're short-staffed.  Sunday was my only scheduled day off next week, so now I have to change that schedule around because someone else was irresponsible.

Do people think I don't have a life?  What is it that makes it seem like I have nothing better to do than change around my schedule, my life, to meet everyone else's needs and shortcomings?  I'm so sick of being punished for everyone else's lack of consideration.

You may be wondering why I don't just say "no" when some of this happens.  Well, when I don't say "no" it's usually because I know it will be inconvenient or negatively affect someone else, so I actually consider other people.

It feels extremely shitty to know no one thinks of you.  Ugh.

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Resolutions

I'll admit it...I'm one of those people who makes resolutions on January 1 every year and I rarely follow through.  I don't just quit after a week or a month, I never even start.  My New Year's resolutions would be lucky to be more than a mere thought!  However, my 2011 wasn't the best year of my life or anything.  Sure, I did some pretty cool things and spent a lot of time with my family, but I really think 2012 has potential to be spectacular.  The only way 2012 will actually be spectacular is if I will actually follow through.  I'm the creator of my own destiny, or whatever.  It's about time some good things start happening in my life, damn it!

So, here's a list of my resolutions.  I couldn't pick just one, that seemed even more daunting than even following through with just one!  I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to do and accomplish, so I figure it's best to just jump in and get it all done...that'll work, right?

• Get back into the diet and work out thing:  Yeah, my diet and work out routine was definitely plagued by the holidays.  I would constantly say, while holding a few cookies, "Yeah, but I was walking tons around the mall and now it's too late to even consider going for a run!"  Not to mention, I had all those stupid parties I had to go drink and eat at (no, they weren't really stupid, I just call them stupid so I trick myself into thinking that I would have worked out instead).  Anyway, 2012 means no more excuses for dieting and working out.  Although, on January 1 my healthy plans were really ruined by some friends (see next point).  I am, however, happy to report that I've been doing well the other three days of the year so far!

• Do more for myself:  You may think this is selfish, but you really don't know just how much I do for other people.  Sometimes it's really unnecessary, sometimes it's being a good friend, and it's just who I am.  However, by "do more for myself" I mean that it's OK to skip out on some friend activity if I'm going to be otherwise productive, and I can't let my friends guilt me into things.  EXAMPLE:
  January 1, 2012.  The new season of Mob Wives on VH1 was premiering at 7:00pm.  I decided to go for a run/lift weights while watching the show.  That's what I wanted to do, I had my mind on it, and I was excited for it.  I received a phone call around noon from a friend, who had a Groupon deal to a movie that would cover a bunch of our friends basically getting in for free (since he already paid for the Groupon).  I declined.  I got a guilt trip.  The Groupon accommodated up to eight people, and they wanted to get as close to the eight as possible so they didn't waste money.  I declined, I said there were other things I wanted to do.  He asked, "Like what?" as if I'm not busy.  "Well," I replied, "I want to work out and watch Mob Wives at 7, don't bother saying anything about the show because it's what I want to do.  Besides, I'm just about to go buy a new computer and so I'll need to set that up today, too."  He said, "Record Mob Wives and then leave your files transferring over to the new computer while you're at the movie."  Um, yeah, sounds great except for the simple fact that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO GO!  But it was proven to me that I don't have solid plans, and I was guilt tripped because they didn't want to waste their money.  I neglected to mention I had a Groupon for a movie once that no one ever wanted to go to, and I never (not once) begged anyone to come with me and the money went wasted and the tickets never used.  Situations like this are no longer going to happen.  I wish my friends didn't feel the need to talk me into stuff.  I'm 25 and getting peer-pressured into going to movies.  Sheesh.

• End contact with "toxic friends":  What's a "toxic friend" you may ask?  Well, I don't really know what everyone thinks about them, but the Emma definition is: People who were at one time great friends, but are now people who pretend to care but really don't.  People who only call when they need something.  People who only call because they're bored and no one else is available.  If any of my friends are reading this, and it even sounds remotely like you, you're either already a toxic friend or you're well on your way to being one.  Hey, this isn't anyone's fault, so let's not get all beat up over it.  It's simply one more annoying thing I can remove from my life.  I'm not being bitter or anything, but I'm no longer wasting time and emotions on people who find me dispensible.  I'm done reaching out to people who obviously don't care, so these people haven't heard from me so far in 2012, and they probably won't unless they contact me first.  Maybe that seems a little childish, but, I've already started falling out of touch with some of these people.  I don't hear from them, so they obviously no longer need me in their lives.  Like I said, that's fine, no one's at fault.  People simply grow apart!

• Quit smoking:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before.  Some people say, "I don't get it, why don't you just quit?"  Well, you don't get it because you're an idiot...and I feel at liberty to say that because I haven't had a cigarette in 40.5 hours (yes, it's that precise) and I'm crabby about it because I've fallen victim to the whole eat-when-you-want-a-cigarette thing, which doesn't help Resolution #1.  Also, I was an idiot to even start smoking.  Yes, I regret that day I started smoking.  I regret that some day I might get cancer that could have been prevented.  I regret that I let this habit and addiction go on for just over 10 years.  I regret liking smoking.  You heard me, I like smoking.  I like the way it feels, the way it tastes, I like watching the paper burn down the cigarette, I like the way it comforts me, etc.  I like it all.  That's why I haven't quit sooner.  However, now I have the perfect opportunity: it's super cold so I don't want to be outside (I never smoke indoors) and I think I'm starting to get a cold or something (either that, or I've smoked too many 2011 cigarettes).  I hope I can actually quit and never smoke a cigarette again!
• Finish my novel and get it published:  I just have to keep motivating myself.  After all, I'm the only one that can make this happen!
• Do something spectacular:  I don't even know what this means, but I'll know it when it happens!  Maybe I'll find a boyfriend and he'll be spectacular...hmm...
   
• Travel more:  I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going with, but I'll definitely get somewhere!  I recently had a dream I was in Hawaii, so maybe that's next on my list!
• Find a career:  I do enjoy my job.  I get extremely frustrated sometimes, but that's just how it is, I guess.  I can't wait to find a career, something I love, and something I'll stick with and be able to move up in.  Let's face it, they always tell you there's opportunity for advancement in retail, but that's just how they hook you.  In reality, there's only opportunity for advancement until someone quits or is fired, which isn't really happening and I don't think will be any time soon.  So, onward and upward!  Or something...
• This blog:  I promise to be more dedicated to it!

I know that may seem like a lot of things, but if I can even just get my book published, get back into the diet/exercise mode, and quit smoking, I'll consider it an extremely successful 2012!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and I hope you make the most of 2012!!!