Before I continue this post I'd like to apologize for my hiatus again...work has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to put all my thoughts down in a blog yet!
Oh God, I'm that girl. I've never been that girl before. You know, the one who fools around with a guy that has a girlfriend (at least not knowing he had a girlfriend). To top it all off, I actually broke friends-with-benefits rule #1, the most important rule: DO NOT START TO GET FEELINGS. The only appropriate word for my entire night last night is: Fuck.
You may remember Jordan, my close friend who is also my friend with benefits. Jordan and I haven't talked much, and haven't seen each other, in about two months. He didn't believe me when I said this tonight, and I asked, "When did you get that tattoo?" he replied, "About two months ago." Case and point. Well, finally Jordan decided to meet me and my friend Snugglemuffin (this is a guy, and in various joke sexts sent between me, Jordan and Snugglemuffin, it somehow came about that we started calling him that) out for drinks tonight. By time Jordan arrived, I was already pretty drunk. Probably too drunk, yet I got another apple martini (they always do me in from the start) and just had some fun.
So, Jordan, Snugglemuffin and I are just sitting outside having a few laughs, when all of a sudden Matt was walking down the street. Snugglemuffin and I went to grade school with Matt, and I really haven't seen him in about five years, so it was a really great find. Matt stopped inside to grab a beer and sat to talk with us. We reminisced, I sent Jordan a drunken text announcing this is who I lost my virginity to and "I would definitely have sex with him tonight if he didn't have a girlfriend."
Jordan replied, "That's on him, you're not cheating."
I said, "Yeah, I don't buy into that but he's a good boy and wouldn't cheat."
Jordan said, "I'll cheat."
MIND BLOWING! So that's why you've been ignoring me? In true Jordan fashion, when he gets a girlfriend we're not even friends...without benefits. Or we are, but not like when he's single. As the events of the night progressed, I find out that I know this girl (she went to high school with us and he dated her back then, too), she lives in another state, and they have been dating less than a week.
Snugglemuffin and Matt went inside because they were taking down the patio tables and chairs. Jordan and I sat on the steps outside the bar and had another cigarette. I told him I was feeling sick, he told me I wasn't driving and he'd make sure I got home, and then I buried my face in my hands. He put his arm around me and his face close to my ear and said, "Hey, what's wrong?" He got the silent treatment and said, "Emma, come on, tell me what's wrong, you tell me everything!"
"What do you mean what's wrong?" I slurred, "I just said I'm feeling sick so that's what's wrong."
"It seems like there's more to it than that."
"Nope."
"OK, when you give one word answers I know there's more to the story."
"Fine, FINE! I'll tell you..." I took a deep breath and let it all out, "I can't believe you'd do this. This is the second time you've had a girlfriend and asked me for sex, and that's not OK. I mean, let's forget all about the morals here and just look at the situation on your end: you date girls you obviously don't care much about. I don't know why you do it. Did you cheat on me?" Silence. "No, really, did you cheat on me? Because we were together for three weeks at one point and how am I supposed to know you weren't having this conversation with another girl? How am I supposed to know I was any different? I thought I was but, really, tell me, did you cheat on me?"
"No, I never cheated on you."
"I don't believe you."
"Well, of course you don't f***ing believe me. Why would you?"
"You're right, I have no reason to believe you."
"Look, I haven't actually cheated on a girl since high school and I regretted that."
"Fine. Anyway, you almost ignore me for two months, announce you have a girlfriend, and then ask for sex. What am I supposed to do about that?"
"Like I said before, it's not on you, it's on me."
"Yeah, but if I'm truly a good friend, I wouldn't let you cheat. I wouldn't encourage you to do it, and I wouldn't let you do it with me. I also don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out that you regret this and resent me for allowing it."
"I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. I really wouldn't regret it."
"Damn it! Did you just look down my shirt?!"
"I'M SORRY!"
Then we laughed. We went inside, paid my bill (he wasn't drinking) and he took me home. I invited him to the patio for a cigarette. I asked him, again, why he would date someone he's willing to cheat on. Why would he even bother when he could be single and guilt-free? Why does he date all his friends, or develop feelings for them? He doesn't know the answers to any of these questions.
Finally, he was going to leave, I hugged him and in my complete, drunken stupor said, "Don't go."
"You're really sending me mixed signals here."
"I'm not. I've told you I want to have sex with you. I just want to have single sex. You know that."
"I know, but I'm not going to call her right now and break up with her."
"So you'll call her tomorrow and do it? Then tomorrow night we'll be all clear?" I asked, extremely hopeful. When I found out he had this girlfriend, I got jealous. That's when I knew the feelings were there.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, but right now I have a boner and I can only think about doing dirty things to you."
"You have a boner?" I said and pushed myself against him harder (yeah, thanks for encouraging it, drunk Emma), "Yeah, you do."
He laughed.
"Just don't leave yet, sit down and smoke another cigarette."
He sat down, I sat on his lap, put my head on his shoulder, and while he was smoking said, "Alright, if you don't want to have sex you're going to need to stop breathing on my neck because it's really turning me on." I'll admit, I was doing that on purpose. Drunk Emma is a horrible person!
To cut out a lot of the middle talk here, which is all me repeating the same questions about why he'd cheat, as if the answers were going to be different, we started fooling around. For some reason, I thought if we didn't kiss it would be less intimate and not as big of a deal. Then he grabbed my face and planted one on me, and then it happened. Not only was I really jealous, I had butterflies. Those stupid, annoying, ridiculous jitters in your stomach that basically say, "HEY! THIS IS GREAT! KEEP GOING!" and make you think there's chemistry.
Jordan and I have a lot of strange conversations, they all stem from stupid things I usually say. I mean, how many people create a game like Hungry, Hungry Hippos and call it Hungry, Hungry Money? Only Drunk Emma. It's a really great game, I'll have to explain it some time. Also, I have a habit of telling him I have a boner instead of saying something normal. Every time I say, "I really have a boner," he says, "I'm not sure I want to do this anymore," then pretends he's feeling around for my "erection," makes a relieved face, and continues kissing me while we laugh about it. We have a lot of other things, but they may just be too weird. In any event, we start laughing and end up having a really great time.
We're in the chair, he stands up while still holding me, I wrap my legs around him, and he walks to his car while still making out. Since I'm still doing my signature Drunk Emma Laugh, it's obvious I'm in no condition to drive. I have made it clear I don't have condoms, he didn't have any with him, we'll need to go buy some or go to his place. Once in the car we start making out more, he says, "I just want these clothes to be off of you," I say, "I know, I know," and we keep going. I've got a whole new set of butterflies. The other ones telling me it's a great idea are still there, but these new ones are telling me how much of a bitch I am.
Screw the condoms, we're not having sex. I made that clear. "Look, I'm totally fine not having sex, but how is this OK and that's not?" he asked while his hands were doing things. "It's not OK, but it's not as bad. I don't know. I don't need a reason since you can't tell me why you'd date a girl you're willing to cheat on," I reply while my hands are working on things. He reclined my seat and things progressed. He reclined his seat, pulled me over, my butt almost hit the steering wheel and I made yet another outlandish drunken comment: "What if my butt hit the steering wheel and it honked really loud and it seemed like a massive...I don't know...like a giant..." he interrupted and finished my sentence for me, "fart?" YES! I just laughed hysterically, the Drunk Emma Laugh, and we kept kissing while laughing. Now I'm sans pants, in my own driveway, in someone else's car. This is a first.
He said we needed to go get condoms, I said no, he said that was fine. Then it happened. Yes, that's right it. As if this situation couldn't get any worse. I stopped kissing him, moved back to my side of the car, put my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands and just sat there staring at the ground.
"Hey, what's wrong? Really, I don't want you to feel like you have to do any of this, I don't want you to feel bad about it," he said
"I don't."
"I don't believe you."
"Fine, I feel bad about this, but I feel even worse about something else, and the fact that I feel worse about something else makes me feel even worse for not feeling bad enough about what we're doing." If you don't know, I know exactly what I'm talking about and can explain this later.
"Is that drunk talk?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. But mostly yes. True drunk talk."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that sometimes I have feelings for you as more than a friend and sometimes I don't. And no, I don't have feelings when we're having sex and no feelings when we're not. Sometimes I've been pretty emotionally detached when we're doing it."
"Is this one of the sometimes you do, or sometimes you don't?"
"I don't want to tell you."
"You can tell me, but you don't have to."
...and here comes strikes two and three:
"IT'S A SOMETIMES I DO. I HAVE FEELINGS AS MORE THAN A FRIEND RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO CRY!"
Seriously, Emma? Did you have to go out, get wasted, have fun, help your friend cheat, expose your feelings for him, and cry? You couldn't just go out and have fun? I don't cry in front of guys. I try not to even cry because of them, and here I am like a little baby sniffling and whimpering while he pulls me into him and gives me a big hug.
Seriously, Jordan? This is where you're supposed to say, "I didn't know you felt that way! I have feelings for you too, all the time. I just started dating this girl because I was giving up on you, but now that I know I can dump her!" I mean, really, your silence speaks volumes. Therefore, Drunk Emma cries even more.
"Emma, it's really OK," he said.
"No, it's not. None of this is OK and your penis is still out."
He laughed, "Well I can put it away and then continue hugging you."
"No, don't put it away. You don't feel the same and that's OK."
Silence.
"Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum came on the radio. So we kissed and we fooled around some more. We laughed a lot. We stopped, he went home, I told him to text me when he got home since it was 4AM and I wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I went in the house, consulted Facebook, and there it was. Yesterday he listed his status as in a relationship with that girl. And here I am. Crushed.
It was fine when he was single, I didn't care. But now that this other girl is in the picture I've gotten pretty jealous and realized these feelings are there. I might see him tomorrow night. I am just not sure what to do. Part of me wants to just explode and ask him why I'm not good enough and how many people have to tell me we should just be dating each other. The other part of me wants to just forget about it and move on, but I'm not sure how to move on from something that has, all along, seemed like such a sure thing. Also, I can't believe I actually helped him cheat. I also don't believe him when he says he doesn't feel bad. Being a compulsive over-thinker, I wonder if he doesn't feel bad because he has feelings for me. Being a smart girl, I know he doesn't, and he doesn't feel bad because that's just how he is.
PS - I'm usually not like that when I'm drunk.
