I've never really thought about creating an actual checklist of qualities my dream man would have until a few years ago when I saw a few episodes of the show Tough Love on VH1. On this show, a professional matchmaker helps women find men while teaching them valuable love lessons on the way. Sometimes it comes down to a girl just not caring enough about herself, or being too insecure, not knowing how to talk to guys, etc. There was one lady on the show that had a checklist of her dream man, and the matchmaker, Steve, told her to ditch that list. I understand why he made her get rid of it, it's not fair to you or your potential mate to have a list of qualifications they must meet. What if your list has 10 things on it, and he/she only has seven or eight of those qualities? You could still be missing out on something really great!
On the other hand, I can see the good side of such a list. Throughout all of my relationships I constantly find myself relieved when I realize this guy doesn't do that annoying thing so-and-so did, but usually the new guy ends up doing something bogus (I know some day I'll meet a guy that doesn't do bogus things, but so far that's mostly what I've encountered...come on, good guys! I'm waiting!). I think it's only natural to create these mental checklists based on past experiences, after all, you should be trying to improve, right?
Maybe you're thinking it isn't fair for a woman (or anyone) to have a list in mind, maybe now you'll go on a date wondering if the other person is mentally checking items off the list or not, but we all have some form of a list. For example, you don't approach someone with hopes of getting their phone number unless they meet your physical checklist, or at least part of it. Would you walk up to someone you find totally unattractive and try to date them? Maybe that sounds harsh, but physical attraction is usually a reason people start talking (correct me if I'm wrong).
On another note, when I was on OkCupid for a short period of time, I was asked to fill out part of my profile that was titled, "What I'm looking for." This just invites all those lists! I must admit, this was a hard one to fill out. How do I single out a group of guys? Even more mind boggling, does any guy even meet all the qualities of my checklist? He could, but still be a jerk. I guess I'll have to add, "not a jerk" to the list, just in case. Anyway, with much consideration, I've decided to compile a list of things I look for in a guy. These aren't mandatory, but I think it'd be pretty sweet if I could find someone like this!
Physical
1. Taller than me...I love to wear heels! Plus, I'm only 5'4 so this isn't very hard to do.
2. Nice arms
3. Not skrawny. Total turnoff (for me).
4. No long hair
5. Nice teeth (Trivial? Perhaps, but I can't help what I like!)
6. Showers regularly (Yes, I've had some stinkers hit on me).
Personality
1. Sweet - You can say sweet things, they don't need to be cheesy. Everyone likes to hear they're beautiful!
2. Funny - With a similar sense of humor as me. I'm pretty sarcastic and sometimes people don't get it. If you can make me laugh until I cry that would be outstanding.
3. Romantic - Yes, I'd like to randomly receive flowers or something, even just once.
4. Mature, with the ability to be totally goofy sometimes. By mature I mean you're out of your frat-boy partying phase.
5. Responsible - This goes along with maturity.
6. Not a jerk.
7. Confident, not conceited, cocky or arrogant. There's a big difference!
8. Outgoing
9. Flirty
10. Respectful
11. Intelligent. I constantly try to learn new things and I Google pretty much everything. I often blurt out completely useless information. Did you know in Disney World, if someone vomits on a ride they call it a protein spill?
12. Doesn't need to spend every day with me. I'm not ready for that.
13. Isn't intimidated by my fear of commitment.
14. Likes me for who I am!
15. Loves to travel...because I pretty much want to go everywhere in the world!
I think it's pretty simple. I could have gotten super cheesy and added something about holding hands in public and making me tingle every time we kiss and blah blah blah. But why? If there's a real "spark" there, that stuff will just happen. At least I hope it would.
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| Dr. Temperance Brennan & Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones |
Maybe my list seems short, but it's all I can come up with without narrowing my options down to some guy you only read about in a fairytale or see in a movie. I think the personality qualities I look for are all ones I have, so I don't think it's too much to ask for in a potential mate. I know people out there have lists, but I'm curious what they include on theirs! Feel free to share!
Emma,
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrific post... I'd like to chat for a sec about this little portion of your post :
"Maybe you're thinking it isn't fair for a woman (or anyone) to have a list in mind, maybe now you'll go on a date wondering if the other person is mentally checking items off the list or not, but we all have some form of a list."
I certainly have a list of preferences for my own "want" list...for me I'm specific... and I'm quite able to bend certain aspects of what I want versus the person in front of me is able to fit into. Some things aren't so easy to change..and ultimately, I don't want anyone to change for me, if they did, then they might change the reason I was interested in them in the first place...
Being flexible is very important... for me, i'm not flexible on the height requirement that I enjoy... Most fellas like a girl really tall and all of that, but for me, i want my girl to be 5'5" or less...not shorter than 5 foot...lmao..i know it's specific, but i have my reasons....and most importantly, it's MY preference... I'm a tall guy...6 ft...and i've dated girls taller than me and well, I just don't get into them....i can't tell you why, it's a mental block or something at this point...i dunno...
Another thing is that I absolutely adore a good girl....some guys call this "a sweetie"....again my preference...i find them to be "pleasers" and in turn it makes me want to be a better guy to please them. Makes it much easier to be romantic and intimate with a sweet girl who is a sweetie than trying to bend the will of an iron-handed bitch who prides herself on being a bitch. Needless to say i've dated them as well and the only thing I do in that situation? I rule upon it like I'm a control freak gone wrong due to the fact you can't let the control leave your hand or she will rule on you instead...so I try to steer clear of them and stick to a sweet wonderful woman who I can be proud of whether it's in public or silently in my heart...
I live a fantastic life...it's filled with beauty...I've just got to close the gap in learning to love again... time will tell...
Keep those terrific thoughts flowing...
Your captivated "T"
I agree with you on the list and think it's fair and actually helpful to know what you want. I also have a list and like yours, my presonality criteria is much longer than my "looks" criteria....i'm a simple girl!
ReplyDeletePS: Interesting fact about Disney World! lol
Yikes Emma! That's quite a list you have.
ReplyDeleteNow while i can jokingly say I'm all of the above. The truth is...well I'd say most guys do try to fit within that criteria of yours. While I can see myself as nearly all of those things you mention, it really depends a lot on the situation.
As for myself, i do keep a mental checklist. And as vain as it does, looks does matter a little when meeting someone new, but then I can also tell whether the person is nice or not within the first few minutes. So while i can tolerant sarcasm and jokes, if you're a bitch inside, get out lol
T: I'm not very flexible on the height requirement either! He needs to be tall enough for me to wear 4" heels and be eye level, or he can be even taller. I definitely think you have a fantastic life and I enjoy reading about it!
ReplyDeleteSmart Cookie: The personality list is almost required to be longer than the looks list...there are too many hot guys out there that turn out to be absolute jerks!
Hart: Of course looks matter, no one should judge you for that! I hate when people say looks don't matter, I'd like to see that person date someone totally icky. However, I do believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so maybe some other chick finds Agent Booth from "Bones" icky. And, do you mean the personality stuff depends on the situation?
Yes personality stuff depends on the situation, but then, everything depends on the situation. Sometimes it's quite hard to show people exactly who I am within the short period of time we meet.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's why dating isn't easy, just makes it more fun =)
As you know Emma I am recently married and before I met my husband I created a list and at one point compared him to it as well as wrote out all his flaws and decided if I could put up with them. He for the most part met my "requirements" but there were a few he did not meet when we first met that now he does which came with maturity at the time but also came from a working compromise between the both of us. I think a list is a great thing to have or at least help you keep a mental check on who you are dating but as you said not something to live your life by. I think a list like this actually shows that you are learning well enough about yourself to declare what you need. It may not be so much about the person you are looking for but may tells you more about you what your needs from life are. I believe it shows great self discovery and can also lead to further self discovery. :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda, my love! I think you bring up a lot of really good points and I completely agree with you! Very good way of putting it all :)
ReplyDelete