Strippers & Oily Man Butts

Let’s talk about strippers.  You’ve read about them briefly in my post about Shawn, and I’d like to clear the air on my feelings about strippers.

I don’t care if that’s how a woman chooses to make money.

Seriously, I don't.  Strippers have a bad reputation of being dirty and full of diseases.  I’m sure this is very true for a lot of women in this profession, but I’m also sure there are plenty of clean ladies out there that are confident with their bodies and simply make money this way rather than having sex with everyone.  With that being said, I don’t know any clean strippers.  Two girls I’ve gone to school with became strippers, and they were the stereotypical ones, but I still think they’re super nice.

It’s not the girls, it’s the guys.

Bachelor parties, birthday parties, random manly nights, that’s all cool.  Do you hang out at a strip club on a regular basis?  Because I don’t think that’s cool.  It's not the strippers, they're just doing their jobs.  But if you go to a strip club often, I think you’re dirty, trashy, and kind of weird.  I mean, really, if you have to spend that much time in a strip club it makes me think you are desperate for attention and have no game with regular ladies.  Plus, if you’re my boyfriend, I’d rather have you cherish my body because I work really hard to keep it looking good.  I’ll gladly worship your body in return.

Guys tend to fall for the mind games.

A lot of you really, really do.  Strippers aim to keep you company and have good conversation with you, it’s their job.  I can’t tell you how many guys I know that went to a strip club for whatever reason, and swore up and down that one of the girls was seriously into them.   Does it matter?  Did you get her number?  Did you give her your number and she called you?  If you answered “no” to these last two questions, she wasn’t seriously into you.  That may be difficult for you to deal with, but it’s the truth.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally fine for you to get swept up in the fantasy of "This hot chick wants me," while it's happening.  However, when you walk out that door and go home, you should be back to reality rather than bragging to all your buddies that a stripper wants to be with you.  Unless, of course, you talk to her outside of the club (as stated above).

I’ve been to a male strip show.

My friend and I were in Las Vegas and went to see Thunder from Down Under.  We bought our tickets earlier that day, thought it’d be a funny thing to do, and got dressed up to sit at a bar outside the show area to have a few drinks.  Neither of us had been to one of these shows, so we weren’t quite sure what to expect.

We got in the show room, and there were a bunch of long tables set up with your assigned seats, a stage in the front, and a bar in the back.  We took our seats, got a few more drinks, and waited for the show.  We were all giggles, like your typical drunk girls, and the men came out on stage.  Yes, they were hot (except for the one with the long hair that looked really greasy when he started sweating).  Yes, they were tan.  Yes, they were ripped.

They were on stage performing as different men from typical female fantasies: the firefighter, the police officer, the construction worker, the guy in a tux…..the mail man?  Ok, I’ve never fantasized about a mail man before, but now we all have a new idea.  They would dance, pull a random girl on stage and grind on her (that was a little sexy, I’ll admit it), strip down to their g-strings and a hat, and then come out and dance on your table or grind on you too.  I’ve never been too fond of a man that wears a thong.

My friend and I were laughing hysterically when the first guy got to our table and was dancing on top of it.  We snickered at the ladies that were unbelievably into it, and then it happened.  He waltzed his way over to our end of the table and danced in front of us.  My laughter stopped, because now I have an oiled up mail-man-in-thong ass shaking in my face.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do about this, and I grabbed my drink and started sucking it down while leaning back in my chair away from the oily butt.  That was not hot for me.  I don’t want a man ass in my face.  Sorry boys. 

*Note* I did consider spanking him to be funny, but I was scared of what he’d do to me if I did.  We did get our pictures and thongs autographed by them at the end of the show, though.

Why some guys want to date strippers is out of my realm of comprehension.

It’s always nice when other people think your mate is good looking, but when they take off their clothes and everyone sees what you see, it’s not really that special any more, is it?  I know I wouldn’t like my boyfriend stripping down to his g-string and oiling up his ass for a bunch of other chicks.  However, if I found out my boyfriend wore a g-string or oiled up his ass just for fun, I’d probably dump him anyway.  Even if no one else saw it.  Unless it was a funny prank or a Halloween costume or something.  I can appreciate that.

Some guys create a double standard.

Once, I was hanging out with Shawn, one of his friends, and his girlfriend.  The Girlfriend brought up that she had a slight issue with them going to the strip club later that night.  I found it to be a valid complaint, she had been out of town and the guys weren't going there for any specific reason, she obviously wanted to spend time with The Boyfriend after a week of being away.  The Boyfriend said, "Well, you guys are more than welcome to come with."  The Girlfriend said something along the lines of she had been there before and didn't have much fun because none of the other guys appreciated that a girlfriend tagged along.  Valid once again, I'm sure guys don't like it when you bring the old lady to watch strippers with you! 

The Girlfriend then said that there was a male strip show later that night and we could go and she would get a few other girls to come with (mind you, I did not yet have the Vegas experience described above).  Shawn and The Boyfriend both said no way, it's different for girls to go watch guys dance around.  They never said we weren't allowed to go, but they got little whiny attitudes and reminded me of a set of toddlers.

How is it different?  They never gave us an answer other than, "It just is."  

 

What baffles me the most is an ex once asked if I cared if he went out to dinner at Hooters, but didn’t ask if I cared about frequenting strip clubs.  I don’t really care about Hooters, other than the fact that I think the uniforms could use a little updating.  Those orange shorts shouldn’t be worn by just anyone.  Yikes.

What about those guys that have to lie to their girlfriends about going to strip clubs?  Those guys annoy me too.  Really, if you have to lie about your whereabouts, no matter where you are, you shouldn’t be dating that girl anyway.  If you’re constantly at the strip club, maybe she should reconsider dating you.  At least, I would.

I understand why a lot of girls don't like guys going to strip clubs.  Like I said earlier, we want you to appreciate our bodies instead of looking at a bunch of other topless or fully naked girls.  A lot of women get insecure when you're out tipping other chicks, and I'm not going to lie, I'm one of them.  But if you demonstrate your love for my body, I'm totally cool with you having a random guys' night out and every now and then ending up at a strip club.  If you come home with a funny story, I care even less!

Maybe I need to stop dating guys from smaller towns, it seems like there's not much to do other than these local clubs.  At least, that's how they make it seem.  I feel like guys in the city are more creative with how they spend their free time, and since I live in the city I should start keeping an eye out!

Shawn, Italy & Vegas

Shawn was a friend of one of my close friends, let's call him Adam.  Adam and Shawn were deployed together, and Adam bought an old car with intentions of fixing it up when he came home.  Adam, Shawn, and let's call the other guy Dan, were working on the car.  Since I hung out with Adam a lot, it was easy for me to meet Shawn.

But we do need to rewind a little here.  I'm not totally sure how it all happened, but I had actually been talking to Shawn while they were deployed, via Facebook, and we met for the first time the night they got home.  I drove Adam's fiance to the base they were arriving at because family and friends had a short amount of time to visit with them before they went to demobilization, and they were arriving at 1am and she had to work the next day (I didn't).  So, I offered to make the three hour drive so she could sleep in the car.  I intended on waiting in the car, but his fiance told me to come with.  It was a freezing night in the Midwest, in January, and we had to wait outside.  As usual, I wasn't prepared for this.  I very rarely wear gloves (only when shoveling), and a hat?  No way, that doesn't look good with my hair.

Anyway, Adam and his fiance were getting coffee, and I was sitting at a table trying to take a quick nap, when there was a tap on my shoulder and I very angrily picked up my head, assuming it was Adam, and saw it was Shawn.  We had a quick conversation, he said it was nice of me to bring the fiance, and he went back to visiting with his family.  Before the soldiers left, I went outside to use the disgusting bathrooms they had set up (but still, very thankful they were there) and I heard someone yell my name.  I turned around, and it was Shawn.  We had another quick conversation, and discovered we'd probably see each other soon while he was working on the car.

Now we can fast forward.  Adam invited me out for drinks with Shawn and Dan, and I met the three guys at a bar.  We then had to go downtown to meet one of Dan's friends.  This bar was full of hipsters, annoying guys, and very strange girls.  Adam was talking with Dan and his friend, and Shawn and I drank our beers and talked in a less populated area of the bar.  We then left and went back to our area for a drink at a much better bar.  Shawn sat next to me and we laughed all night, it was weird connecting with someone like that so fast.  It felt like we were back in high school, he seemed like he was reaching for my hand, but I couldn't really tell so I didn't do anything about it.  We went back to Dan's apartment to watch a movie.  Dan went to bed, Adam left, Shawn was spending the night there (he lives an hour away) and asked if I wanted to stay and finish the movie.  We started making out, he said he'd be spending the night tomorrow night, and we made plans for an actual date.

The date went really well, we went to dinner and fooled around at the apartment, then made it official.  Shawn is now my boyfriend.  But wait!  Things don't happen that easily in my life!  I had been all set to leave for Italy (my fourth trip there) for two months.  One month to take a class and get certified to teach English, and one month to look for a job and somewhere to live.  I would then return home and start the process of moving across the Atlantic.  Shawn said he was fine with all that.  He knew about it from the beginning.  A week before I left, I was in the middle of packing and he called to say we needed to break up.  He couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone so far away, especially not knowing if I'll be coming back home for good or not.  I cried.  Yes, I broke Emma dating rule #1: Never, ever cry in front of someone that hurts your feelings.  Ever.

I was so mad at him for waiting so long to tell me this wasn't ok, and mad for him even getting into a relationship with me in the first place.  I was also mad at him for spewing out a garbage line while cuddling before falling asleep: "I don't know why, but it just feels so right with you."  I bought it.  I'll give you a moment to throw up.

Moment's over.

We ended up deciding that I'd call him during the trip and we'd talk it over then.  A few things happened to me on this trip, a week in I found out about a sick family member that would lead to my decision to come home early and not move to Italy.  Shawn didn't know about this and I never told him this was the biggest reason for my early return home.  I cut my trip short, from 8 weeks to 6 weeks, spent time traveling to Brussels and clearing my mind.  About two weeks into the trip, I called Shawn and announced my plans for coming home early.  This egotistical boy thought I was coming home early for himmadeout.  I went back to my apartment.  I never told Shawn.

Since Shawn didn't want to be with me when I got home, I figured us talking was just a friendly thing.  The night after I came home he invited me over.  I drove an hour to his house, put up all my walls, and he took them all down.  We were dating again.  Red flag: "I just don't want to be alone," came out of his mouth.  So is this about me, or you don't want to be single?  I said I wasn't going to be with him if that was the only reason for dating me, he assured me it wasn't.

A month into the relationship, he went to a strip club with some friends.  Ok, I don't care, have fun!  Less than a week later he was back there.  Ok, now I care.  I find it a bit trashy to go to strip clubs so often.  It's not like these were birthday or bachelor parties.  The first time I thought it was just a random guy's night out.  The second time, when I was upset, he informed me that a friend's family owns it and they drink for free.  They don't tip the girls!  Oh, that's so comforting.  Not.  This was a serious problem for us.  Another problem I had was how different he was around his friends.  Some of them seemed so immature.  But none of this made it important enough for me to dump him.  I had such strong feelings for the guy, and I really thought this was going to be a long term relationship.  I was falling hard for him, and the time we spent alone together was some of the best times I've ever had in my life, including all the traveling.  Was I in love?  No, but had the relationship lasted longer I probably could have been.  I've still never been in love.  Oh well.


We ended things, and I'm under the impression it was for two reasons.  He was facing a huge life change and I don't feel it's appropriate to write about, even though I've changed all the names.  The other issue was he had a problem with the hour drive between us.  I didn't ever think this was a problem.  In my mind, distance should never be an issue if two people care about each other as much as we seemed to.  I was heartbroken, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he just didn't care about me enough to deal with the distance.  As bad as it feels to realize that, it's the truth.  If I was worth it to him, we would have gotten over the distance issue.

What did I do?  Two days after my brother got married I went to Vegas with a friend.  Sorry everyone, but what happens in Vegas actually stays in Vegas in my book. :)

Shawn had started working security at the strip club.  He then called me about 3 months after the breakup, when I had just started seeing someone new, and asked me if I would ever consider getting back together.  This blew my mind.  I had been waiting for this exact phone call, but when I came home from Vegas I gave up on it ever happening. 

"You broke my heart.  I can't trust that you won't do it again.  What about the distance?"
"It doesn't matter.  But I should tell you something."

He had sex with one of the strippers.  What am I supposed to say to that?  Am I supposed to be happy for you?  Should I be more attracted to you now?  I said I would consider getting back together if he got tested for any STDs, he refused and said it was stupid.  I said, "So, you might think it's stupid, but it means a lot to me.  You can't just do it and prove that you care about what I think.  I'm not even considering dating you without it."  Needless to say, we never dated again.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to.  Here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I still miss him.  I miss laughing with him, talking to him, and I really miss falling asleep together.  We've both dated other people since then, but for me it's never been the same.  I doubt he feels the same, and I won't ask him.  That'd only be annoying and I'd only be hurting myself when he says he's happy with the girl he's seeing now.  Oh well, on to bigger and better things!

PS: The girl he's seeing now won't let him hang out with me, but when I asked for a simple STD test he wouldn't humor me.  That must say something about how much he truly cared, right?