Problems with boobs

You'd think this would go without saying, but I can't believe how many women I see walking around without properly fitting bras.  But, how do you know if the bra fits right?

The biggest bad bra mistake is the four boob.  That's right.  The four boob.  You might think this looks sexy, because your bra is about 3 sizes too small so your boobs are spilling out of them into the middle creating...cleavage!  Yes!  We all want cleavage!  But do you really want it at the expense of the rest of the area looking good?  Buy a push up bra.  In your size.  I know you know you have four boob syndrome, because there's no way you can't feel it.  And if you check yourself out in mirrors/windows/puddles/anything that reflects, I know you see it too.  This is not sexy.  I repeat: NOT SEXY.

Uh oh...four boob syndrome is sweeping the nation!  However, this isn't the worst case I've seen!

You're probably sitting there thinking, "Emma!  You don't understand!  I have big boobs!"  Hey!  Me too!  I've pretty much dumped Victoria's Secret, because even their DD's don't really do it for me.  I've done the tests.  I found this cute bra/panties set I wanted.  I tried on the bra in the fitting room.  I jumped around, bent over, shimmied, and my boobs stayed in place!  I wore the bra to work the next day and suddenly I had four boob, from just standing and walking around.  I went home and changed my bra on my lunch break.  Until then, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom readjusting myself. 

I also have a big problem with big bras.  I don't think it's at all fair that the big boob bras are all disgusting and granny like.  Thankfully, I've found an amazing boutique that caters to the well-endowed (they have the smaller sizes, too).  I know not everyone has access to this type of store, but go online!  Buy some great bras!  I'm here to tell you that even the big boob girls can get cute and sexy bras...that fit!

Please don't wear a bright red bra under your white t-shirt.  Why not leave a little something to the imagination?

Have you ever had a bra that fit really well, but you still have that tiny bit of boob spill on the outer edges of the cups, near your armpits?  Yeah, me too.  I think boob spill is just a fact of life.  However, try as hard as possible not to wear a tank top or shirt that showcases your boob spill.

Ladies, I'm being totally serious: Once you find a bra that really, truly fits, you'll thank yourself for it.  I now have a few every day bras and quite a few fancy bras and they fit great.  The best part is I really don't even feel them throughout the day!

So, what size bra do I wear now that they fit me properly?  Well, depending on the bra, 36DD or 36E.

Let's all give our girls a break and treat them right, k?

Strippers & Oily Man Butts

Let’s talk about strippers.  You’ve read about them briefly in my post about Shawn, and I’d like to clear the air on my feelings about strippers.

I don’t care if that’s how a woman chooses to make money.

Seriously, I don't.  Strippers have a bad reputation of being dirty and full of diseases.  I’m sure this is very true for a lot of women in this profession, but I’m also sure there are plenty of clean ladies out there that are confident with their bodies and simply make money this way rather than having sex with everyone.  With that being said, I don’t know any clean strippers.  Two girls I’ve gone to school with became strippers, and they were the stereotypical ones, but I still think they’re super nice.

It’s not the girls, it’s the guys.

Bachelor parties, birthday parties, random manly nights, that’s all cool.  Do you hang out at a strip club on a regular basis?  Because I don’t think that’s cool.  It's not the strippers, they're just doing their jobs.  But if you go to a strip club often, I think you’re dirty, trashy, and kind of weird.  I mean, really, if you have to spend that much time in a strip club it makes me think you are desperate for attention and have no game with regular ladies.  Plus, if you’re my boyfriend, I’d rather have you cherish my body because I work really hard to keep it looking good.  I’ll gladly worship your body in return.

Guys tend to fall for the mind games.

A lot of you really, really do.  Strippers aim to keep you company and have good conversation with you, it’s their job.  I can’t tell you how many guys I know that went to a strip club for whatever reason, and swore up and down that one of the girls was seriously into them.   Does it matter?  Did you get her number?  Did you give her your number and she called you?  If you answered “no” to these last two questions, she wasn’t seriously into you.  That may be difficult for you to deal with, but it’s the truth.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally fine for you to get swept up in the fantasy of "This hot chick wants me," while it's happening.  However, when you walk out that door and go home, you should be back to reality rather than bragging to all your buddies that a stripper wants to be with you.  Unless, of course, you talk to her outside of the club (as stated above).

I’ve been to a male strip show.

My friend and I were in Las Vegas and went to see Thunder from Down Under.  We bought our tickets earlier that day, thought it’d be a funny thing to do, and got dressed up to sit at a bar outside the show area to have a few drinks.  Neither of us had been to one of these shows, so we weren’t quite sure what to expect.

We got in the show room, and there were a bunch of long tables set up with your assigned seats, a stage in the front, and a bar in the back.  We took our seats, got a few more drinks, and waited for the show.  We were all giggles, like your typical drunk girls, and the men came out on stage.  Yes, they were hot (except for the one with the long hair that looked really greasy when he started sweating).  Yes, they were tan.  Yes, they were ripped.

They were on stage performing as different men from typical female fantasies: the firefighter, the police officer, the construction worker, the guy in a tux…..the mail man?  Ok, I’ve never fantasized about a mail man before, but now we all have a new idea.  They would dance, pull a random girl on stage and grind on her (that was a little sexy, I’ll admit it), strip down to their g-strings and a hat, and then come out and dance on your table or grind on you too.  I’ve never been too fond of a man that wears a thong.

My friend and I were laughing hysterically when the first guy got to our table and was dancing on top of it.  We snickered at the ladies that were unbelievably into it, and then it happened.  He waltzed his way over to our end of the table and danced in front of us.  My laughter stopped, because now I have an oiled up mail-man-in-thong ass shaking in my face.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do about this, and I grabbed my drink and started sucking it down while leaning back in my chair away from the oily butt.  That was not hot for me.  I don’t want a man ass in my face.  Sorry boys. 

*Note* I did consider spanking him to be funny, but I was scared of what he’d do to me if I did.  We did get our pictures and thongs autographed by them at the end of the show, though.

Why some guys want to date strippers is out of my realm of comprehension.

It’s always nice when other people think your mate is good looking, but when they take off their clothes and everyone sees what you see, it’s not really that special any more, is it?  I know I wouldn’t like my boyfriend stripping down to his g-string and oiling up his ass for a bunch of other chicks.  However, if I found out my boyfriend wore a g-string or oiled up his ass just for fun, I’d probably dump him anyway.  Even if no one else saw it.  Unless it was a funny prank or a Halloween costume or something.  I can appreciate that.

Some guys create a double standard.

Once, I was hanging out with Shawn, one of his friends, and his girlfriend.  The Girlfriend brought up that she had a slight issue with them going to the strip club later that night.  I found it to be a valid complaint, she had been out of town and the guys weren't going there for any specific reason, she obviously wanted to spend time with The Boyfriend after a week of being away.  The Boyfriend said, "Well, you guys are more than welcome to come with."  The Girlfriend said something along the lines of she had been there before and didn't have much fun because none of the other guys appreciated that a girlfriend tagged along.  Valid once again, I'm sure guys don't like it when you bring the old lady to watch strippers with you! 

The Girlfriend then said that there was a male strip show later that night and we could go and she would get a few other girls to come with (mind you, I did not yet have the Vegas experience described above).  Shawn and The Boyfriend both said no way, it's different for girls to go watch guys dance around.  They never said we weren't allowed to go, but they got little whiny attitudes and reminded me of a set of toddlers.

How is it different?  They never gave us an answer other than, "It just is."  

 

What baffles me the most is an ex once asked if I cared if he went out to dinner at Hooters, but didn’t ask if I cared about frequenting strip clubs.  I don’t really care about Hooters, other than the fact that I think the uniforms could use a little updating.  Those orange shorts shouldn’t be worn by just anyone.  Yikes.

What about those guys that have to lie to their girlfriends about going to strip clubs?  Those guys annoy me too.  Really, if you have to lie about your whereabouts, no matter where you are, you shouldn’t be dating that girl anyway.  If you’re constantly at the strip club, maybe she should reconsider dating you.  At least, I would.

I understand why a lot of girls don't like guys going to strip clubs.  Like I said earlier, we want you to appreciate our bodies instead of looking at a bunch of other topless or fully naked girls.  A lot of women get insecure when you're out tipping other chicks, and I'm not going to lie, I'm one of them.  But if you demonstrate your love for my body, I'm totally cool with you having a random guys' night out and every now and then ending up at a strip club.  If you come home with a funny story, I care even less!

Maybe I need to stop dating guys from smaller towns, it seems like there's not much to do other than these local clubs.  At least, that's how they make it seem.  I feel like guys in the city are more creative with how they spend their free time, and since I live in the city I should start keeping an eye out!

Uh oh...

Uh oh.  I'm late.  And that's not some cute term I'm using.  I'm late.  Since I'm in freak out mode, this post will be pretty short.

I'm a week late, I just took a negative pregnancy test this morning, and there is no reason I should be pregnant.  I am on birth control (I missed 3 pills last month, not in a row, and took them the following day), Jordan used condoms (every. single. time), and I am so paranoid that I make him inspect them afterward (to assure there's no breaks of course!).

I called the doctor, because now I'm really worried.  What if it was a false negative?  But with what I stated above, how the hell could I possibly have a little Jordan or Emma inside me???  I find it impossible.  Anyway, the doctor said to take another pregnancy test in a week and to relax because stress will cause it to be late or skipped (so I need to relax.  I'm sorry, I don't really understand that concept right now!).  If the test is negative in a week, I can assume I'm not pregnant.  If I don't get my period next month, I need to go into the doctor's office and possibly get a new birth control pill (mine might be too strong and have caused my periods to stop).

Also, I've drastically changed my diet this past month.  Plus, I was working out twice a week, and the past three weeks I've been working out six times a week.  These are things (according to some research) that could cause me to have a late or skipped period.  Oh, and the nurse I talked to said to continue taking my pills, "They won't hurt the baby."

"Wait, what?  The baby?"
"If you are pregnant, that is."
"But chances are I'm not, right?"
"It is highly unlikely, just monitor your body the rest of this month!"

Ugh.  I hope I get my period soon and don't have to wait until next month.  Even if I'm not pregnant and I skip a period, and everything is fine, I still need that period as reassurance.

Luckily, Jordan is one of my closest friends and the one that I've been sleeping with, so I can be pretty open about it!  However, I assume he's annoyed by now.  He suggested, "pee on a stick," days ago and I finally did it today.

So, readers, give me ideas of how I can relax instead of constantly stress and worry over being pregnant (since chances are so slim), because I don't understand how it's possible to relax in such a situation!

Oh, and for all the guys that are grossed out and make a stupid face when a girl even mentions she has her period, grow up.  You all know it happens, it's a fact of life, and it's not like we describe details of what's happening down there (then you can be grossed out, those things don't need to be shared).

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone...

Alright, so in my Caution: Water may be Hot post, we see that Jordan and I finally got to hang out after three years.  Long story short: Jordan and I have been friends since I was 15 and he was 16.  I had a crush on him all throughout high school but never mentioned it.  He got engaged and we no longer saw each other but kept up some form of communication during that time.  Finally, I pretty much made an ass out of myself when he and his fiance broke things off and we actually got to see each other.

The night at the diner was pretty much just hanging out and talking.  We sat there for hours, probably annoying the employees, but we finally decided to call it a night.  We hugged, we left, and probably proceeded to text each other once we got home (I don't remember if the texting actually happened, but it's just what we do when we can't sleep so it's safe to assume).

We hung out a few more times, got drinks, went bowling, other random stuff.  But one night, we decided to meet back at the diner.  Now, to make things clear, my crush had come back full force and I still haven't said anything and have no idea what he thinks about it all.  We decided to leave, and while we were walking to our cars he said, "I'm glad we're finally hanging out again."

"Yeah, me too.  I forgot how much we laugh at each other."
"I don't want to go home yet," he said, staring at me.
"I don't either but there's really nothing else to do."  It was after bar close.
"Well, let's think of something," he said and we got into his car.

On the radio, a certain Taylor Swift song was playing and I started humming it (before you judge my musical tastes, I listen to pretty much everything.  And I'm not just saying that because it's what people say.  If Jay-Z was on, I would have probably started rapping.  Same for you, Kings of Leon.).  Jordan started laughing at me, as if humming Taylor Swift with no shame was funny.  Ok, maybe it was.  So I started actually singing it, and he laughed more.  Then, it happened: I caught him singing a few lines!

"Wait...you totally know this song!" I yelled
"Shut up!  If you tell anyone about this I swear I'll hit you!"
"You'd never hit me, you love me too much!  Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone (me singing off key) Why aren't you singing?"
"I refuse to humor you."

So I grabbed his hands and started making huge gestures with them, as if he was conducting an orchestra, and finally got him singing.  We both sang the chorus and laughed until it came on again and then sang it even louder.  When the song was over we kept laughing and I said, "Don't worry, babycakes, I won't tell anyone you love Taylor Swift.  And I don't think you're any less of a man for knowing the words."

"Great, now I really feel like a loser!"
"Nah, you shouldn't, I don't judge you for this.  What do you want to do now?"
"Emma...." he said, and I felt him staring at me while I sat in the passenger seat staring at my purse.
"Yeah?" I finally turned to look at him.
"I just...I don't know.  Fuck it," he said, and then he pulled my chin close to him and kissed me.

Yep, this is happening, I'm finally making out with Jordan, in a car, in the parking lot of a 24 hour diner.  I've only been waiting for this to happen for 8 years.  For once in my life I didn't over-think something, I didn't wonder what it meant, I didn't care if this was just his solution to our boredom or if he actually had feelings for me.  I just enjoyed it.  Things progressed to more than PG stuff, and I found myself in a position in a car that I hadn't been in for years.

I found myself straddling him, I almost honked the horn with my butt to get into this position and he said, "We need to find somewhere to go."  He had roommates.  I had roommates.  It was kind of an unspoken agreement that this sort of thing shouldn't actually be happening between us.  I didn't want to deal with friends giving me the, "I told you so," look.  Besides, one of my friends already predicted this would happen and I don't like it when she's right.  I agreed we needed to find somewhere else to park the car, until I noticed what time it was.  I had to be to school in four hours (yeah, I was that girl, I rarely skipped class in college).  I regrettably declined and we made plans for the next night when I was done with work and his roommate would be out of town.  Bingo.

Now, I don't really like planning sex.  Especially with someone I've never had sex with before, that just makes things seem totally awkward.  Also, I still had no idea if my feelings for him were mutual.  Anyway, I drove to his place after work, we had some amazing sex, and I spent the night (I generally don't do sleepovers).  The next night we did the same thing, but I planned on going home.  While we were laying there naked, he said, "I have to tell you something and I don't want it to make things weird."

"Being naked is never an appropriate time to tell someone something that might be weird," I said.
"Fine, I won't tell you then."
"I'm just kidding.  What's up?"
"Ok, well, I like you, and if you don't like me like that I understand." BINGO!
"I see.  And how long have you had these feelings for me?" That's right, play it cool, Emma.  Now is not the time to get all mushy.
"I don't know.  I don't remember not having these feelings for you."
"Hmm...so you're saying since we met?"
"I guess if I have to spell it out for you, yeah."
"Oh, well, if you're going to be a dick I'm going to end this conversation right now."
"Fine." (longest silence ever) "Wait, you can't do that!"
"I can do whatever I want."
"Are you just messing with me?"
"Yes."
"You have feelings for me too?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Since, well, forever," finally, it was all out there.

And there we were, naked, and my life was changed in just five minutes: Jordan was finally my boyfriend.  Of course, we, um, celebrated.

Dear readers, don't get too excited.  We dated for a week and called it quits.  Totally mutual breakup, just decided we were better off as friends.  A month later?  We dated again, for three weeks.  Same breakup.  A month after that breakup?  We dated again, for the last time, for an entire month.  It just wasn't meant to be.  It only felt that way since we had these hidden feelings for each other for so long.  With everything out in the open it was only exciting for so long.  Then, our relationship turned into really good friends that have sex.  I know what you're thinking, that's what every relationship should be like!  But sometimes it just doesn't work out. 

Where are we now, as of July 3, 2011?  Well, we're really good friends that have sex.  He's one of my best friends, I tell him everything.  When Shawn (you haven't met him yet) and I were having problems, I'd always be with Jordan forgetting about it (by that I mean getting drunk, not cheating, I'm not like that.  You can read more about what it's like to cheat on me here). 

Some of my friends have asked me why Jordan and I aren't together.  I can't really answer that question.  I know he gets random feelings for another girl, and I don't really look at him that way anymore.  It's just an actual friends with benefits situation.  Whether or not we'll date again in the future I can't tell, I don't own a crystal ball.  But, if I had to guess, I'd say that ship has sailed and things will remain the way they are until one of us gets into a relationship with someone else.  Then we'll go back to just being regular friends.  And I'm totally fine with that.