Girls with boyfriends just don't get it

I don't understand some guys. OK, total understatement, I don't understand most guys. They'll go around parading their crushes, lust, feelings, or whatever to their friends, but some of them will never have the courage to tell the girl. Now, I totally get shyness. I do. I'm shy, and I'm most likely never going to just walk up to a guy I see at a bar and start a conversation or something...unless I'm in Europe. I'm a totally different person in Europe and when I travel.

There are girls that just don't get it too.  And you'll see what I'm talking about later in this post.

There's this guy, and he tells all these mutual friends how much he likes me and he thinks I'm funny, but then when it comes to hanging out, we never talk. And don't get me wrong, in this scenario I know it's basically a guaranteed thing, so I try to talk to him, but it doesn't really work.

I don't know if I like him or not, which is why I'd like it if we could have a real conversation. But, I am at a loss of what to do next!

I understand his shyness is probably amplified around our friends. We have two friends in common, and when he's invited to hang out they usually talk to him about stuff the three of them all know about, which doesn't include the rest of us. Then, the two friends will talk to the rest of us about stuff that doesn't include him. I don't think they realize they're doing it, and they make an effort to give everyone equal time. But, it's difficult bringing a new person into a group of friends that has so many inside jokes and things they reference.

Anyway, one night I was out with the two friends, their friend, let's call him Kyle, and my friend....Sarah (not her real name, of course!). I was a little nervous this night, I sometimes get really anxious in crowded bars (maybe I'll share all that in another post). It was karaoke night. Everything was going as usual, but I decided I wanted to talk to Kyle a little more tonight to see if I could see myself liking him "like that" and to decide if I wanted to try to pursue a better friendship or something more out of it.

Well, I had briefed Sarah on the entire situation, she's friends with the two guys but hasn't ever met Kyle. Sarah has a boyfriend, and she always has a boyfriend. If she breaks up with a guy she probably is only single for about a month. The current boyfriend I think is a keeper, and they've been together for a super long time now. I'm happy for them, but I don't think she is really in touch with the single life of a 26-year-old young lady like myself.

Finally, I was talking to Kyle. It wasn't a huge deal, it was just about music, and how we hate it when people who actually sing well hog the karaoke spotlight. I am a horrendous singer, and I go up there and belt out some awesome songs, and if there's a cordless mic I'll even dance around the bar. It's a pretty awesome show...assuming I'm not feeling anxious and will actually get up there.

Anyway, We were having a good time, I thought, and Sarah smiled at me when we began talking. It was one of those, "Good job!" smiles, and then about five minutes later she walks up to me and says, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Oh...OK," I replied.
"So come with me!"
"Do you really need me to?"

And she smiled and nodded her head.

Let me put this out there: This always happens. She is always like this, and you always have to go with her. Sometimes you think she probably has some juicy gossip for you, but then you get to the bathroom and 90% of the time she legit has to pee and has nothing interesting to add to that.

But, here I am, being naive and thinking that maybe one of the two guys told her that Kyle likes me or something...you know, anything productive to the situation.

Nope. Just had to pee.

We left the bathroom, I was frustrated, and Kyle was in the middle of singing karaoke. When he was finished he came back and got into a deep sports conversation with one of the other guys. I like sports, but, unfortunately they were discussing the only sport I find completely boring: Football. American football, that is, for anyone reading this outside the USA. I do very much enjoy soccer.

So, Sarah and I left.

I wish this guy would just get to it and at least ask for my number or something. But, I guess that's not in the cards yet. Lately I've been trying really hard to believe in fate and destiny and all that jazz, so maybe it's just not our time. Maybe it's still my ridiculously long time to be single. Maybe it's my time to go out and play the field and date a few guys at once, and then I can pick one and not be single any more.

Along the lines of fate and destiny, sometimes I think that maybe I'm supposed to be with someone already in my life, but it's just not the time for us to be together. I don't by any means think I should wait around for "our time," I think I should go on living my life as if I don't know my fate with him already (because obviously I don't know that for sure!). Some day maybe we'll be together, maybe we won't. But, other times, which is most of the time, I think fate and destiny is just a big load of shit when it comes to love.

:-)

Rude people suck!

I'll describe myself to you. I have dark brown curly hair, side swept bangs that I straighten, a fair complexion, freckles, and I'm about 5'4". I have blue eyes. I have a bigger than average chest. I usually wear heels to work, and they're usually at least 3".   I just like wearing heels. This is all a customer judged me on.

He came into the store, told me what he needed (I can't give any more details without giving away where I work), and I had to take down some basic information. So, here's how this scenario went:

Me: Hi! What brings you in today?
Customer: I need to _____________.
Me: OK! (grab the paperwork for this type of request) What's your name?
Customer: (gives name)
Me: Phone number?
Customer: (gives phone number)
Me: Great, and then I just need your e-mail. Customer: ___ ____ bike at _____ dot com.
Me: (writing out e-mail, spell "bike" correctly)
Customer: Wow, you spelled "bike" right.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You're smarter than I thought you were going to be.
Me: Well, I did graduate from college, so I'm glad my ability to spell a first grade word impresses you.

Seriously? I hardly said anything to him, I didn't stumble over my words, I didn't use "like," or "um," or anything like that. I don't understand why he thought I wasn't going to be intelligent when he walked in. I'm totally offended. I told this story to one of my friends, and he told me I'm too defensive and not to sweat the small stuff.

Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I am being too defensive about it. But still, it was rude. I would never tell a stranger their level of intelligence surprised me. I would never just assume someone is ignorant or stupid right away. Sure, I've found plenty of people to be ignorant and/or stupid, but they've generally given me a reason to think so. Maybe I am being too defensive. Maybe I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but when someone is rude to you, sometimes it just sticks with you. It's there for a while. Maybe I'll think of it again if he comes back, and then I'll be upset all over again. Who knows. I guess I don't know where I'm going with all this, and I just needed to vent a little about a jerk I encountered today. :)

Sometimes people are frustrating...



It's true!

So, let me put this out there, Jordan and I are just friends.  Sure, I had a little slip up once and told him I had feelings for him.  I didn't think I actually meant it upon further consideration.  I still will never date him again. 

We're friends with benefits.  So what?  Why is that such a big deal?  Let's pretend I knew I had feelings for him, would I tell him?  Absolutely not.  I don't even really care that much.  He recently moved away, and we hung out one night before he left.  It was so much fun, we laughed a ton, and it was just an overall great night.  But on the way home, I found myself really sad that he was leaving.  It almost felt like a break up.

I guess I did have feelings for him, and possibly still do.  But what does it all mean?  I've had some time to think about it, and it means that he's an amazing friend, who I don't want to be without.  Of course we can still talk all the time, he's one of my closest friends.  Having feelings for him changes nothing.  I get a tiny bit jealous when he's seeing someone new, but for the most part I don't care if she's a good person.

I just wish people wouldn't give me advice when I don't ask for it.  Sometimes I just want to say that I'm a little down about something, and let's do something fun to take my mind off it.  There seem to be only two friends that actually let me do that, and they're the ones I've known the longest.  I don't need someone telling me he's not right for me, because I'm not looking to date or marry him.  I just don't want our friendship to change, but I'm rolling with the punches and accepting it.

I know this post is quite rambly, but that's just how my thoughts are right now!  I've got so much going on in my life and I have an extremely busy summer ahead of me, which I have a feeling is bound to get extremely stressful, but I think I'll save all that for my next post :-)

Places to meet men...supposedly

Alright, so I'm finally getting my life together (kind of).  I know what types of careers I'd love to do, I'm applying to jobs nonstop (so I can get out of retail and into a regular career), and I'm puttering away at writing my novel.  The novel part has proven to be a lot more difficult than I expected.  It's based on things that happened in my life, so I thought it'd be easy.  However, I'm adding some fiction to it and changing names alone can be pretty exhausting.  Maybe I'm making too much of it.  I mean, instead of just changing a guy's name to something easy like, "Pete," I think, Well, he doesn't look or act like a Pete.  I'm not totally sure what a "Pete" might look or act like, though.  Anyway, at least I"m putting a ton of thought into it, right?

So, I think I'm finally ready to meet a guy and have a real relationship.  When I started this blog, I intended on dating a lot more than I ended up doing.  I just got busy, and to be totally honest, I wasn't actually ready for a relationship.  I think I am now, and the only way to actually find out is to go for it!  But where do I meet guys?   I'm not the type of girl to just strike up a conversation with a stranger unless I have a question about something and a cute guy just so happens to be around. So, I've been doing a little research (it really only consisted of a Google search "where to meet men" and I read a Cosmo article, which is listed at the end of this post). 

I've discovered that I can find at least one reason, that I think is valid, why I most likely won't meet a guy in any of these places.  But, here goes, places to meet men!

1. The Apple store - Because guys love gadgets and technology and you can easily meet a man there.  OK,  I see what you're saying, and it makes perfect sense.  However, I don't know about everyone else, but the only Apple store near me is terrible.  It always feels like it's 10 million degrees in the store, and it smells kind of funny.  Not like B.O. or anything, but as if every single person that has come in and out of the store has been wearing clothes that haven't been washed.  I don't want to spend time in there if I don't have to.
2. The gym, more specifically, the weight room - I actually think this is a good place, but not for me.  I work out with a trainer at the gym, because Lord knows there is no way I'm just going to voluntarily lift weights and push myself to the extent I need to be pushed.  Cardio is one thing, I like testing my limits, but weights?  No way.  Anyway, when I work out with the trainer, I sometimes see this really, really cute guy.  But I'd probably never talk to him.  What do I say?  You might be thinking, "Start by telling him your name!"  Then what?  If some guy just came up to me and told me his name I'd probably say, "Um, ok," and get back to working out.  When I work out, I don't want to be disturbed or interrupted.
3. A Fortune 500 or tech company - Um, ok.  Who's going to give me a job there???

I know there are plenty of more resources and articles about where to meet men.  A lot suggest online dating, but its just not my thing.  It's really hard to sweep me off my feet on the Internet, especially if you have poor grammar.  Other articles have suggested meeting guys through friends, but that's awkward if it doesn't work out. 

Anyway, I know I'll figure it out, and not in some cheesy way.  It'll happen when it's supposed to happen (at least, that's what I keep telling myself)!

Cosmo article:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/best-places-to-meet-men

Uhhh...what about ME?

So, here's the deal:  I'm getting really, really fed up with people.  So much for the part of my New Year's Resolutions where I claim I'm going to do more for myself!  I've come to discover it's pretty difficult to do more for yourself when no one thinks of you.

That's right, I said it...no one thinks of me.  And I'm not just talking about guys don't think about dating me, or whatever.  I mean that everyone this week has been a giant disappointment.  No one thinks of what may or may not be convenient for me.  No one thinks about what I have to do today, tomorrow, or next week.  I don't want to go into a ton of detail because I need to just put it all behind me and move on, but here are the basics:

Part of my family has changed plans and can no longer take care of something for the original time they offered to do so.  I understand that they're doing a favor, and when it turns out they aren't able to do the favor as intended, the responsibility has to fall on me.  I just wish it didn't turn out that way.  I ended up figuring everything out and the whole situation is going to be totally fine, but I'm really, really bad at last minute things.  I don't do last minute very well and I get extremely stressed out with these situations.

So, I thought I was de-stressed about that, until I got to work.  I arrive at work to find out another manager has scheduled me to work at a different location this weekend.  Nothing like a little short notice.  If they'd have asked me they'd know I can't work anywhere else on Saturday because my manager is on vacation and we're short-staffed.  Sunday was my only scheduled day off next week, so now I have to change that schedule around because someone else was irresponsible.

Do people think I don't have a life?  What is it that makes it seem like I have nothing better to do than change around my schedule, my life, to meet everyone else's needs and shortcomings?  I'm so sick of being punished for everyone else's lack of consideration.

You may be wondering why I don't just say "no" when some of this happens.  Well, when I don't say "no" it's usually because I know it will be inconvenient or negatively affect someone else, so I actually consider other people.

It feels extremely shitty to know no one thinks of you.  Ugh.

Resolutions

I'll admit it...I'm one of those people who makes resolutions on January 1 every year and I rarely follow through.  I don't just quit after a week or a month, I never even start.  My New Year's resolutions would be lucky to be more than a mere thought!  However, my 2011 wasn't the best year of my life or anything.  Sure, I did some pretty cool things and spent a lot of time with my family, but I really think 2012 has potential to be spectacular.  The only way 2012 will actually be spectacular is if I will actually follow through.  I'm the creator of my own destiny, or whatever.  It's about time some good things start happening in my life, damn it!

So, here's a list of my resolutions.  I couldn't pick just one, that seemed even more daunting than even following through with just one!  I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to do and accomplish, so I figure it's best to just jump in and get it all done...that'll work, right?

• Get back into the diet and work out thing:  Yeah, my diet and work out routine was definitely plagued by the holidays.  I would constantly say, while holding a few cookies, "Yeah, but I was walking tons around the mall and now it's too late to even consider going for a run!"  Not to mention, I had all those stupid parties I had to go drink and eat at (no, they weren't really stupid, I just call them stupid so I trick myself into thinking that I would have worked out instead).  Anyway, 2012 means no more excuses for dieting and working out.  Although, on January 1 my healthy plans were really ruined by some friends (see next point).  I am, however, happy to report that I've been doing well the other three days of the year so far!

• Do more for myself:  You may think this is selfish, but you really don't know just how much I do for other people.  Sometimes it's really unnecessary, sometimes it's being a good friend, and it's just who I am.  However, by "do more for myself" I mean that it's OK to skip out on some friend activity if I'm going to be otherwise productive, and I can't let my friends guilt me into things.  EXAMPLE:
  January 1, 2012.  The new season of Mob Wives on VH1 was premiering at 7:00pm.  I decided to go for a run/lift weights while watching the show.  That's what I wanted to do, I had my mind on it, and I was excited for it.  I received a phone call around noon from a friend, who had a Groupon deal to a movie that would cover a bunch of our friends basically getting in for free (since he already paid for the Groupon).  I declined.  I got a guilt trip.  The Groupon accommodated up to eight people, and they wanted to get as close to the eight as possible so they didn't waste money.  I declined, I said there were other things I wanted to do.  He asked, "Like what?" as if I'm not busy.  "Well," I replied, "I want to work out and watch Mob Wives at 7, don't bother saying anything about the show because it's what I want to do.  Besides, I'm just about to go buy a new computer and so I'll need to set that up today, too."  He said, "Record Mob Wives and then leave your files transferring over to the new computer while you're at the movie."  Um, yeah, sounds great except for the simple fact that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO GO!  But it was proven to me that I don't have solid plans, and I was guilt tripped because they didn't want to waste their money.  I neglected to mention I had a Groupon for a movie once that no one ever wanted to go to, and I never (not once) begged anyone to come with me and the money went wasted and the tickets never used.  Situations like this are no longer going to happen.  I wish my friends didn't feel the need to talk me into stuff.  I'm 25 and getting peer-pressured into going to movies.  Sheesh.

• End contact with "toxic friends":  What's a "toxic friend" you may ask?  Well, I don't really know what everyone thinks about them, but the Emma definition is: People who were at one time great friends, but are now people who pretend to care but really don't.  People who only call when they need something.  People who only call because they're bored and no one else is available.  If any of my friends are reading this, and it even sounds remotely like you, you're either already a toxic friend or you're well on your way to being one.  Hey, this isn't anyone's fault, so let's not get all beat up over it.  It's simply one more annoying thing I can remove from my life.  I'm not being bitter or anything, but I'm no longer wasting time and emotions on people who find me dispensible.  I'm done reaching out to people who obviously don't care, so these people haven't heard from me so far in 2012, and they probably won't unless they contact me first.  Maybe that seems a little childish, but, I've already started falling out of touch with some of these people.  I don't hear from them, so they obviously no longer need me in their lives.  Like I said, that's fine, no one's at fault.  People simply grow apart!

• Quit smoking:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before.  Some people say, "I don't get it, why don't you just quit?"  Well, you don't get it because you're an idiot...and I feel at liberty to say that because I haven't had a cigarette in 40.5 hours (yes, it's that precise) and I'm crabby about it because I've fallen victim to the whole eat-when-you-want-a-cigarette thing, which doesn't help Resolution #1.  Also, I was an idiot to even start smoking.  Yes, I regret that day I started smoking.  I regret that some day I might get cancer that could have been prevented.  I regret that I let this habit and addiction go on for just over 10 years.  I regret liking smoking.  You heard me, I like smoking.  I like the way it feels, the way it tastes, I like watching the paper burn down the cigarette, I like the way it comforts me, etc.  I like it all.  That's why I haven't quit sooner.  However, now I have the perfect opportunity: it's super cold so I don't want to be outside (I never smoke indoors) and I think I'm starting to get a cold or something (either that, or I've smoked too many 2011 cigarettes).  I hope I can actually quit and never smoke a cigarette again!
• Finish my novel and get it published:  I just have to keep motivating myself.  After all, I'm the only one that can make this happen!
• Do something spectacular:  I don't even know what this means, but I'll know it when it happens!  Maybe I'll find a boyfriend and he'll be spectacular...hmm...
   
• Travel more:  I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going with, but I'll definitely get somewhere!  I recently had a dream I was in Hawaii, so maybe that's next on my list!
• Find a career:  I do enjoy my job.  I get extremely frustrated sometimes, but that's just how it is, I guess.  I can't wait to find a career, something I love, and something I'll stick with and be able to move up in.  Let's face it, they always tell you there's opportunity for advancement in retail, but that's just how they hook you.  In reality, there's only opportunity for advancement until someone quits or is fired, which isn't really happening and I don't think will be any time soon.  So, onward and upward!  Or something...
• This blog:  I promise to be more dedicated to it!

I know that may seem like a lot of things, but if I can even just get my book published, get back into the diet/exercise mode, and quit smoking, I'll consider it an extremely successful 2012!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and I hope you make the most of 2012!!!

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone...

Alright, so in my Caution: Water may be Hot post, we see that Jordan and I finally got to hang out after three years.  Long story short: Jordan and I have been friends since I was 15 and he was 16.  I had a crush on him all throughout high school but never mentioned it.  He got engaged and we no longer saw each other but kept up some form of communication during that time.  Finally, I pretty much made an ass out of myself when he and his fiance broke things off and we actually got to see each other.

The night at the diner was pretty much just hanging out and talking.  We sat there for hours, probably annoying the employees, but we finally decided to call it a night.  We hugged, we left, and probably proceeded to text each other once we got home (I don't remember if the texting actually happened, but it's just what we do when we can't sleep so it's safe to assume).

We hung out a few more times, got drinks, went bowling, other random stuff.  But one night, we decided to meet back at the diner.  Now, to make things clear, my crush had come back full force and I still haven't said anything and have no idea what he thinks about it all.  We decided to leave, and while we were walking to our cars he said, "I'm glad we're finally hanging out again."

"Yeah, me too.  I forgot how much we laugh at each other."
"I don't want to go home yet," he said, staring at me.
"I don't either but there's really nothing else to do."  It was after bar close.
"Well, let's think of something," he said and we got into his car.

On the radio, a certain Taylor Swift song was playing and I started humming it (before you judge my musical tastes, I listen to pretty much everything.  And I'm not just saying that because it's what people say.  If Jay-Z was on, I would have probably started rapping.  Same for you, Kings of Leon.).  Jordan started laughing at me, as if humming Taylor Swift with no shame was funny.  Ok, maybe it was.  So I started actually singing it, and he laughed more.  Then, it happened: I caught him singing a few lines!

"Wait...you totally know this song!" I yelled
"Shut up!  If you tell anyone about this I swear I'll hit you!"
"You'd never hit me, you love me too much!  Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone (me singing off key) Why aren't you singing?"
"I refuse to humor you."

So I grabbed his hands and started making huge gestures with them, as if he was conducting an orchestra, and finally got him singing.  We both sang the chorus and laughed until it came on again and then sang it even louder.  When the song was over we kept laughing and I said, "Don't worry, babycakes, I won't tell anyone you love Taylor Swift.  And I don't think you're any less of a man for knowing the words."

"Great, now I really feel like a loser!"
"Nah, you shouldn't, I don't judge you for this.  What do you want to do now?"
"Emma...." he said, and I felt him staring at me while I sat in the passenger seat staring at my purse.
"Yeah?" I finally turned to look at him.
"I just...I don't know.  Fuck it," he said, and then he pulled my chin close to him and kissed me.

Yep, this is happening, I'm finally making out with Jordan, in a car, in the parking lot of a 24 hour diner.  I've only been waiting for this to happen for 8 years.  For once in my life I didn't over-think something, I didn't wonder what it meant, I didn't care if this was just his solution to our boredom or if he actually had feelings for me.  I just enjoyed it.  Things progressed to more than PG stuff, and I found myself in a position in a car that I hadn't been in for years.

I found myself straddling him, I almost honked the horn with my butt to get into this position and he said, "We need to find somewhere to go."  He had roommates.  I had roommates.  It was kind of an unspoken agreement that this sort of thing shouldn't actually be happening between us.  I didn't want to deal with friends giving me the, "I told you so," look.  Besides, one of my friends already predicted this would happen and I don't like it when she's right.  I agreed we needed to find somewhere else to park the car, until I noticed what time it was.  I had to be to school in four hours (yeah, I was that girl, I rarely skipped class in college).  I regrettably declined and we made plans for the next night when I was done with work and his roommate would be out of town.  Bingo.

Now, I don't really like planning sex.  Especially with someone I've never had sex with before, that just makes things seem totally awkward.  Also, I still had no idea if my feelings for him were mutual.  Anyway, I drove to his place after work, we had some amazing sex, and I spent the night (I generally don't do sleepovers).  The next night we did the same thing, but I planned on going home.  While we were laying there naked, he said, "I have to tell you something and I don't want it to make things weird."

"Being naked is never an appropriate time to tell someone something that might be weird," I said.
"Fine, I won't tell you then."
"I'm just kidding.  What's up?"
"Ok, well, I like you, and if you don't like me like that I understand." BINGO!
"I see.  And how long have you had these feelings for me?" That's right, play it cool, Emma.  Now is not the time to get all mushy.
"I don't know.  I don't remember not having these feelings for you."
"Hmm...so you're saying since we met?"
"I guess if I have to spell it out for you, yeah."
"Oh, well, if you're going to be a dick I'm going to end this conversation right now."
"Fine." (longest silence ever) "Wait, you can't do that!"
"I can do whatever I want."
"Are you just messing with me?"
"Yes."
"You have feelings for me too?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Since, well, forever," finally, it was all out there.

And there we were, naked, and my life was changed in just five minutes: Jordan was finally my boyfriend.  Of course, we, um, celebrated.

Dear readers, don't get too excited.  We dated for a week and called it quits.  Totally mutual breakup, just decided we were better off as friends.  A month later?  We dated again, for three weeks.  Same breakup.  A month after that breakup?  We dated again, for the last time, for an entire month.  It just wasn't meant to be.  It only felt that way since we had these hidden feelings for each other for so long.  With everything out in the open it was only exciting for so long.  Then, our relationship turned into really good friends that have sex.  I know what you're thinking, that's what every relationship should be like!  But sometimes it just doesn't work out. 

Where are we now, as of July 3, 2011?  Well, we're really good friends that have sex.  He's one of my best friends, I tell him everything.  When Shawn (you haven't met him yet) and I were having problems, I'd always be with Jordan forgetting about it (by that I mean getting drunk, not cheating, I'm not like that.  You can read more about what it's like to cheat on me here). 

Some of my friends have asked me why Jordan and I aren't together.  I can't really answer that question.  I know he gets random feelings for another girl, and I don't really look at him that way anymore.  It's just an actual friends with benefits situation.  Whether or not we'll date again in the future I can't tell, I don't own a crystal ball.  But, if I had to guess, I'd say that ship has sailed and things will remain the way they are until one of us gets into a relationship with someone else.  Then we'll go back to just being regular friends.  And I'm totally fine with that.

Caution: Water may be hot

Recap

The last time we talked about Jordan he was engaged and it seemed as though he wasn't allowed to see me or talk to me.  Which, by the way, I never understood considering we never fooled around, expressed feelings for each other, or anything.  We were just friends.  Then I didn't hear from him for a long, long time.  I don't remember the exact amount of time, but it was definitely months.  Honestly, I kind of forgot about him.  To clarify, it's been three years since we've actually seen each other.  This all happened a few years ago.

The Call

I returned home from Italy and was back at work.  I was driving home one night and had a call coming in from, you guessed it, Jordan!  I answered and was a little snotty to him because it had been so long since he called or even sent a text (yes, I put in effort and tried contacting him at the beginning of the drought in our friendship, but gave up after so many unanswered calls/texts).  He asked if I wanted to meet him at a local diner in 30 minutes and I said, "Oh, you can actually see me now?  How do I know you're not going to stand me up?"  He explained that he was no longer engaged and is now single.  I accepted the offer of hanging out.  After all, I'm not the kind of girl that wants you sneaking around on someone.

30 minutes wasn't enough time to go home and change, so I went straight to the diner.  I touched up my makeup in the car (I actually applied lip gloss, that's only for special people or if I'm feeling extra fancy).  I didn't feel like sitting in the car any longer, so I went inside and grabbed a booth in the smoking section.  I ordered a Diet Coke, and nervously smoked a few cigarettes.  He was late.  Go figure.  As I watched the paper burn down to the filter (what I do when I'm nervous), I realized he was going to know I was sitting here waiting for him for so long.  There were three cigarettes in the ash tray and I was stubbing out number four, and I'll admit, that's pretty disgusting.

So, since I live in Emmaville, population: 1, I quickly came up with a plan.  I'm going to put this out there right now: it wasn't a genius plan or anything.  In fact, I'm probably the only person in the world that thinks you look like a loser because the other person was late in meeting you, which "forced" you to chain smoke.  Right, on with the plan!

The Plan

The booth was right by the bathroom.  I could take the ash tray to the bathroom (it was a one-stall kind of thing, so no one would walk in on this scene) and dump out the evidence of me sitting there for so long.  Excellent.

Not.

I dumped out the ashes, decided to actually use the bathroom, and noticed there was smoke coming from the garbage can.  That's right, your favorite genius over here didn't fully put out that last cigarette in all the haste.  Well, sh*t, Jordan just so happens to be a firefighter, so this looks horrible.  I can't be the girl that started the fire in a diner bathroom, what would he think of me?  I'd lose all his respect, and I honestly could never bring myself to tell this story on the news when asked why I started the fire.  

I pulled up my pants and walked over to the faucet, didn't pay attention to anything other than the sign 

Caution: Water may be hot  

 

Yeah, how hot can it get?  I cranked on the water at near-full-speed, got some in my hands and walked over to the garbage.  I took a few seconds to inspect it, there was just one tiny flame and a few burning embers, but it smelled like something terrible.  Do people actually wash their hands?  Because I would think the paper towel in there would be damp and this whole episode wouldn't have happened (yes, I blame 10% of this situation on the dirty people that just throw paper towel in the garbage to make it appear as though they've washed their hands.  I've seen it happen).

Anyway, I go back to the faucet to get one more handful of water for good measure, and hey!  I turned the hot water on!  How hot can it get?  Scorching, actually.  Enough for me to yell a few obscenities and dump the burning water into the garbage (yeah, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but you don't know how it felt).  I turned the cold water on, washed my hands, and threw a damp paper towel into the garbage.  I retrieved the ash tray and my purse, opened the door, just to find a laughing Jordan in the booth I was previously sitting in.  "What the hell was going on in there?" he asked.  What can I say?  All I could come up with was, "Just some stuff.  What's up?"

To be continued...

Scott

Shortly after my return from Europe in 2004 I started working at a retail store the summer before starting college.  I intended on keeping the job part time while going to school, but I ended up working and going to school full time.  It was an exciting summer for me, because my high school dance team coach asked me and a few other girls if we'd like to be on a collegiate dance team.  The team was a little difficult to get used to at first, we were now on the same team as girls that recently graduated from high school teams we had been competing against and everyone had an attitude at first: we were all stuck up girls who thought we were better than everyone else, it was a recipe for disaster.  Eventually we all got along and we ended up going to competitions against dance teams from other colleges, and we even kicked ass against my university's dance team.  Twice.  Life was good.

It was also an exciting summer because I met my next boyfriend, Scott.  Scott lived near Katie, the Assistant Manager at my store.  She talked about him a few times, and he was somewhat dating her roommate.  I finally met him when Katie called him to go to her house, get her tampons, and bring them to work for her.  I'm sure it was awkward for him to deliver her tampons.

Once Scott arrived at the store, I immediately thought he was cute, and a random shyness came over me.  For once in my life I didn't have something to say, it was a miracle.  Katie went to get something to eat, and Scott stayed and talked to me for a while.  He was my age and just got a job at the store just down the hall from us.  When Katie came back she sat down in the back room and ate and talked to Scott while I watched the front of the store.  On Scott's way out, he handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it and told me to call him.  I smiled, said I would, and put it in my pocket.  While he was walking out of the store I realized I'd probably never have the guts to actually call him, so I quickly wrote down my phone number and ran out after him.

"I'm sorry," I said, "but to be completely honest, I'm never going to call you.  So here's my number if you ever feel like giving me a call."
"Well if you don't want to go out with me some time you can just say so," he replied.
"NO!  It's not that!  I just...won't call you," I said, attempting to laugh and never making eye contact.
"Alright then," he said laughing, "I'll call you."

Part of me didn't think he'd actually call, but he did a few days later and we talked on the phone for a while.  He kept visiting the store and eventually we actually went on a date.  Everything went so well and we made it exclusive, meanwhile Katie's roommate hated me, but I was under the impression that they weren't exclusively dating each other so I didn't feel bad.

Scott was an amazing boyfriend.  Every time we got into an argument it was quickly resolved, except toward the end.  I don't exactly remember what we were fighting about at the end of the relationship, but everything went downhill after we went on a vacation together, which is when we quickly realized we can't spend so much time together without going nuts.  After we got home, things quickly spiraled out of control with our arguments and we broke up.  To this day, that 10 month relationship was the longest I've ever been in.  I feel bad not dedicating more time to explaining our story, but I don't think there's much to explain.  At the time I thought I was in love, but my idea of what love is has changed since then and I wouldn't consider that the case now.

Around the time of our break up I had a lot of other things going on, so it seemed even more devastating since my whole life was changing.  Not only did we break up and I was heartbroken, but I also made the decision to quit the dance team.  Since we were chosen to be on the team based on high school performances, there were no try outs and we didn't have definitive start and end times to a season, so I couldn't finish out the season and decide not to try out again.  I had to actually quit, and I never quit anything before in my life.

That was also a tough decision to make, but practices started to be too much for me.  We were constantly experimenting and trying new leaps and turns, and in one competition the most embarrassing thing happened to me: I blew out my knee and fell in the middle of the performance (I had been dancing with a torn ACL for about four years at that point).  I literally had to crawl off to the side while strangers came and helped me up and walked me to another room to ice my knee.  I still had another performance later that day, so I rested as much as possible, tightened my knee brace, and went out for my second performance.  I was in excruciating pain the entire time and it was the longest two minutes of my life, but I made it through and shortly after I had to quit.  A year later, I finally had surgery to fix the problem.

I made a few changes in my life, it was time to stop being so depressed about the break up with Scott and my dancing life.  I started teaching ballet and tap to kids at my old dance school, and I was even able to perform in the year end recital.  That whole experience taught me patience, a virtue I hadn't yet perfected in my life.  I also had a new dream.  I was going to study abroad in Rome for a month in the summer and it was the best experience of my life.  Since then, I've gone to Italy every year and had the opportunity to travel to over 40 different cities and see a few other countries, too.  I also had a few Italian guys I met and kept in contact with, but only one really stood out, and after meeting him I forgot all about Scott...

Jordan

Jordan and I met my freshman year of high school when he was a sophomore.  We met through a mutual friend, Sarah, who went to grade school with him.  I had a teeny, tiny crush on him the first day we met.  I’ll admit it.  

We would talk whenever we were in the cafeteria at the same time, we’d hang out after school or at basketball games after I was done performing with the dance team at half time, and finally, when I was a junior and he was a senior, we had a class together.  

He sat in front of me, and this guy Dave (also a senior) sat behind me.  Dave would always think he’d be whispering things to me, when really everyone around him could hear.  He’d say some really dirty things he wanted to do with me after school, and I either just sat there and laughed at him or turned around and said, “Seriously, shut the f**k up!”

One Thursday Dave kept telling me he and a few friends were going camping and he’d love it if I would come too.  It’d be the best first date ever.  I said, “I really don’t think you’re interested in actually dating me.”  He kept telling me that I was too special to just use for sex, and I kept laughing at him.  He said camping would be amazing, they’d bring a ton of alcohol and we could have our own tent and separate sleeping bags, so I didn’t have to worry about anything like that.  Meanwhile, Jordan would constantly hear these conversations and shake his head.  I always said no to whatever Dave offered.  Part of me really did want to at least make out with him, but I knew I’d be just another girl to him, so I never did.   

One night, after a basketball game I was hanging out with Stephanie, Jordan, and this guy Mike.  We had been just talking and walking around the football field.  When we were headed back to our cars, Jordan mentioned something about running and hurdling over this picket fence that was a little higher than his waist (Jordan is about six feet tall).  I said there was no way he would be able to do it without falling because he has two bad knees from playing hockey.  We made a bet.  If he fell, I got $10.  If he made it successfully, I had to flash him and Mike.  We shook on it.  I lost.  I had to flash them.

By this time, I had a huge crush on Jordan.  We were becoming closer friends and I liked being close with him.  He was really cute, tall, played hockey, went hunting, dressed nice, he was a real guy’s guy, if you will.  I said, “Wait, I really have to flash both of you?  Can’t one of you just describe it to the other?”
“You don’t have to like, stand there with your shirt up, just for a few seconds,” said Mike.
“Yeah, but to both of you for a few seconds?”
“Why did you agree to the bet then?” Mike asked.
“Why does anybody agree to a bet?  I was confident I’d win and wouldn’t have to do this,” I nervously replied.
“It’s nice to know you have no faith in my jumping skills.  But, since I’m such a nice guy, I won’t make you flash us,” Jordan said.
“I’m not scared to or anything,” I lied, “I’m just a little shy I guess.”
“Just show us one!” Mike said.  

I conceded and I showed them only one boob, the right one to be exact. 

After Jordan graduated he went to college in town and got an apartment with two of his close friends.  Stephanie and I went over to the apartment to hang out with them sometimes, they always had beer.  One night, I made out with Jordan’s good friend while he made out with Stephanie.  I was a little hurt that he chose her to make out with, but I guess he could have said the same thing, right?

That was the last time I saw Jordan.  We kept in contact talking and texting, but his girlfriend-turned-fiancé somehow prevented us from hanging out.  So all we had were the times he was at the fire station (yep, he was a firefighter, how hot is that?) and able to talk to me.  We’d go a few weeks or a month without talking, and then catch up in one, long phone conversation lasting hours.

Maybe I’d forget about him sometimes during those few weeks, but every time my phone rang and his name popped up my heart started pounding.  Not necessarily because of the feelings I had for him, but I was so excited to have my friend back, even if it was only for a night.

My First Kiss

I think every little girl watches movies and imagines Prince Charming coming along and kissing her at the end, and then something magical happens: some sort of spell is broken.  So, even though I was 14-years-old and too old for fairy tales, I still expected some sort of magic when I got my first kiss.  I was wrong.

There were a few of us playing basketball one day after school.  The school year was almost over, and we were graduating from 8^th grade and moving on to high school.  There was the basketball court, and then a small playground next to it.  Since it was the end of Spring/beginning of Summer, we were all in shorts and t-shirts.  I sat down in the wood chips and Kevin sat down next to me and said, “Good game,” I replied, “Thanks, but my defense was kinda clumsy.”  That was my way of subtly apologizing for accidentally punching him in the stomach when I lunged forward to steal the ball from him.  He just laughed, and I knew he accepted my apology.

The other three were Josh, Grace, and Joey.  Josh was sitting at the top of the slide and Grace and Joey were nearby on the swings.  Someone suggested we play Truth or Dare.  Of course, everyone was too scared to pick a dare, so we went around telling truths, like who we had crushes on and things like that.  However, picking truth scared me more than anything they could make me to in a dare.  I mean, what would they possibly have me do?  Ring someone’s doorbell and run away?  I ran pretty fast, so I didn’t care.

Finally, Grace asked, “Emma, truth or dare?”
“Dare,” I replied.  All the boys gasped and Grace had a mischievous look on her face.
“Dare, huh?” she said, “Alright.  I dare you to make out with…Kevin.  For 10 seconds.”  Grace knew I had a crush on Kevin, even though I never actually told her.
“OK, fine,” I said, trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal.  I never expected my first kiss to be on a dare.  But, I chose it and now I had to live with it.

Kevin smiled at me and moved closer and I whispered, “I’ve never made out with anyone before.”
“I know,” he whispered back, “but it’s just me, you don’t have to be nervous.”
“But what if I’m bad at it?  I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“It’s like thumb wars, but with our tongues.  Just follow along with what I do.”

According to an 8^th grader, Kevin was experienced.  He had kissed a few girls at school, and there were rumors he touched some boobs, but I have no idea if that was ever true.  Even though we were really good friends and hung out all the time, I never thought to ask him because it wasn’t my business.

Kevin leaned in, I closed my eyes, and our lips touched.  Our mouths opened and he stuck his tongue in my mouth and I just followed whatever he did, like he said.  As soon as we started, everyone else began counting down from 10.  I didn’t think kissing was a big deal, but as I got the hang of it, it kept getting better.  At some point, everything around me became fuzzy.  The voices of the other kids counting was nonexistent, I had no sense of time, place, or anything.  I lost track of the countdown, and he must have too.

We kept kissing and finally I turned my focus back to our friends, they were all giggling and laughing.  I realized we must have gone longer than 10 seconds, and I abruptly ended the kiss by pulling away and starting to pick wood chips off my legs.  Joey said, “It looks like they’re in looooove!” and I still remember my cheeks getting hot and turning red, I was embarrassed and said, “Oh shut up, it was just a dare!” and Kevin smiled at me.  He must have known that had I picked truth, I would have been forced to say I had a crush on him. 

That was my first kiss, not super special, there were no "fireworks," but it was special enough to remember so vividly.  Sure, he wasn’t necessarily Prince Charming, I wasn’t under some spell that he broke, and years later we would encounter each other in a similar way…and it didn’t turn out well.  I haven’t talked to him in years, and even though we ended a friendship on not so good terms, I still remember him fondly and will never, ever forget my first kiss.