Rude people suck!

I'll describe myself to you. I have dark brown curly hair, side swept bangs that I straighten, a fair complexion, freckles, and I'm about 5'4". I have blue eyes. I have a bigger than average chest. I usually wear heels to work, and they're usually at least 3".   I just like wearing heels. This is all a customer judged me on.

He came into the store, told me what he needed (I can't give any more details without giving away where I work), and I had to take down some basic information. So, here's how this scenario went:

Me: Hi! What brings you in today?
Customer: I need to _____________.
Me: OK! (grab the paperwork for this type of request) What's your name?
Customer: (gives name)
Me: Phone number?
Customer: (gives phone number)
Me: Great, and then I just need your e-mail. Customer: ___ ____ bike at _____ dot com.
Me: (writing out e-mail, spell "bike" correctly)
Customer: Wow, you spelled "bike" right.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You're smarter than I thought you were going to be.
Me: Well, I did graduate from college, so I'm glad my ability to spell a first grade word impresses you.

Seriously? I hardly said anything to him, I didn't stumble over my words, I didn't use "like," or "um," or anything like that. I don't understand why he thought I wasn't going to be intelligent when he walked in. I'm totally offended. I told this story to one of my friends, and he told me I'm too defensive and not to sweat the small stuff.

Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I am being too defensive about it. But still, it was rude. I would never tell a stranger their level of intelligence surprised me. I would never just assume someone is ignorant or stupid right away. Sure, I've found plenty of people to be ignorant and/or stupid, but they've generally given me a reason to think so. Maybe I am being too defensive. Maybe I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but when someone is rude to you, sometimes it just sticks with you. It's there for a while. Maybe I'll think of it again if he comes back, and then I'll be upset all over again. Who knows. I guess I don't know where I'm going with all this, and I just needed to vent a little about a jerk I encountered today. :)

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Stressed

Well, isn't that helpful?

Today I'd like to just sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I don't really have many days like this but at this point I am stressed to my limit.

I'm tired of having a job outside my field, I'm tired of not getting interviews for jobs in my field, I'm tired of half ass friends and people who say stupid things.  I'm physically tired, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep because I wake up a million times every night and I'm tired of trying to figure out the next step in my life.  I'm tired of even thinking about what to do with my life and how to get a job I love but I can't stop thinking about it.  It seems to consume 90% of my day.  I'm tired of lazy people.  I'm frustrated at not having time to work out like I want to, because that's what really de-stresses me.

I miss my best friend, we haven't talked in over a year and I guess that's just what happens sometimes.  We've been best friends for 15 years, and now we don't talk because of some really stupid stuff.  And yes, I've tried.  I think this bridge is just burned and we aren't going to rebuild it.  I've spent a year without her, but sometimes I just need her goofy jokes to get me through the day.

Everyone keeps asking when I'll move to Italy, and I don't know.  I don't want to move there forever, but maybe I need a year or two in a different place to collect my thoughts and come home with new experiences again.  But no matter what I do, in the next year or two I want to advance my career and have a big girl job.  None of that is looking good so far.

So here I am, sitting outside drinking my post-workout protein shake and smoking a cigarette (yes, I'm the picture of health) and complaining about things via blog.  How pathetic is that?  The best part of my week is the two 30 minute sessions I spend with the personal trainer.  He's hot and I don't think about the rest of my life because he pushes me to my limits.  When I run on my own I think of all this stupid crap and never come up with any solutions.

Right, so this post is just annoying and stupid, but it's all I have right now.  I promise later in the week my next post will be back to normal!

Scott

Shortly after my return from Europe in 2004 I started working at a retail store the summer before starting college.  I intended on keeping the job part time while going to school, but I ended up working and going to school full time.  It was an exciting summer for me, because my high school dance team coach asked me and a few other girls if we'd like to be on a collegiate dance team.  The team was a little difficult to get used to at first, we were now on the same team as girls that recently graduated from high school teams we had been competing against and everyone had an attitude at first: we were all stuck up girls who thought we were better than everyone else, it was a recipe for disaster.  Eventually we all got along and we ended up going to competitions against dance teams from other colleges, and we even kicked ass against my university's dance team.  Twice.  Life was good.

It was also an exciting summer because I met my next boyfriend, Scott.  Scott lived near Katie, the Assistant Manager at my store.  She talked about him a few times, and he was somewhat dating her roommate.  I finally met him when Katie called him to go to her house, get her tampons, and bring them to work for her.  I'm sure it was awkward for him to deliver her tampons.

Once Scott arrived at the store, I immediately thought he was cute, and a random shyness came over me.  For once in my life I didn't have something to say, it was a miracle.  Katie went to get something to eat, and Scott stayed and talked to me for a while.  He was my age and just got a job at the store just down the hall from us.  When Katie came back she sat down in the back room and ate and talked to Scott while I watched the front of the store.  On Scott's way out, he handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it and told me to call him.  I smiled, said I would, and put it in my pocket.  While he was walking out of the store I realized I'd probably never have the guts to actually call him, so I quickly wrote down my phone number and ran out after him.

"I'm sorry," I said, "but to be completely honest, I'm never going to call you.  So here's my number if you ever feel like giving me a call."
"Well if you don't want to go out with me some time you can just say so," he replied.
"NO!  It's not that!  I just...won't call you," I said, attempting to laugh and never making eye contact.
"Alright then," he said laughing, "I'll call you."

Part of me didn't think he'd actually call, but he did a few days later and we talked on the phone for a while.  He kept visiting the store and eventually we actually went on a date.  Everything went so well and we made it exclusive, meanwhile Katie's roommate hated me, but I was under the impression that they weren't exclusively dating each other so I didn't feel bad.

Scott was an amazing boyfriend.  Every time we got into an argument it was quickly resolved, except toward the end.  I don't exactly remember what we were fighting about at the end of the relationship, but everything went downhill after we went on a vacation together, which is when we quickly realized we can't spend so much time together without going nuts.  After we got home, things quickly spiraled out of control with our arguments and we broke up.  To this day, that 10 month relationship was the longest I've ever been in.  I feel bad not dedicating more time to explaining our story, but I don't think there's much to explain.  At the time I thought I was in love, but my idea of what love is has changed since then and I wouldn't consider that the case now.

Around the time of our break up I had a lot of other things going on, so it seemed even more devastating since my whole life was changing.  Not only did we break up and I was heartbroken, but I also made the decision to quit the dance team.  Since we were chosen to be on the team based on high school performances, there were no try outs and we didn't have definitive start and end times to a season, so I couldn't finish out the season and decide not to try out again.  I had to actually quit, and I never quit anything before in my life.

That was also a tough decision to make, but practices started to be too much for me.  We were constantly experimenting and trying new leaps and turns, and in one competition the most embarrassing thing happened to me: I blew out my knee and fell in the middle of the performance (I had been dancing with a torn ACL for about four years at that point).  I literally had to crawl off to the side while strangers came and helped me up and walked me to another room to ice my knee.  I still had another performance later that day, so I rested as much as possible, tightened my knee brace, and went out for my second performance.  I was in excruciating pain the entire time and it was the longest two minutes of my life, but I made it through and shortly after I had to quit.  A year later, I finally had surgery to fix the problem.

I made a few changes in my life, it was time to stop being so depressed about the break up with Scott and my dancing life.  I started teaching ballet and tap to kids at my old dance school, and I was even able to perform in the year end recital.  That whole experience taught me patience, a virtue I hadn't yet perfected in my life.  I also had a new dream.  I was going to study abroad in Rome for a month in the summer and it was the best experience of my life.  Since then, I've gone to Italy every year and had the opportunity to travel to over 40 different cities and see a few other countries, too.  I also had a few Italian guys I met and kept in contact with, but only one really stood out, and after meeting him I forgot all about Scott...

Happenings at Your Local Grocery Store

I had a high school job at a grocery store.  I had the exciting duty of bagging up all your groceries after the cashier scanned them.  I never understood why I wasn't good enough to push UPCs across some red beams, but I dealt with it.

Typically, the baggers would just move back and forth between registers with long lines.  Sometimes, if a cashier noticed his or her line was getting really long, they'd call over for help.  Well, out of all four baggers working this day, I was called over to another register.  I got there only to find an elderly couple and one lady behind them.  I didn't think anything of it, the elderly couple had a lot of stuff so maybe that was why this guy called me to his register.

I had talked with this guy before.  The store was short on lockers for employees so he gave me the combination to his in case I wanted to put my purse in it.  Now, being 25, I would probably not do that.  however, at age 17 I didn't really care since the contents of my purse was makeup.  I always put any cash and my driver's license in my pocket while I was working.

So, this guy kept scanning things and sending them my way to be bagged.  I picked up a carton of ice cream and it had a piece of paper on top of it, I picked it off and was about to give it to the man or woman in the couple, but it was written with a black sharpie so I couldn't help reading it.

You're hot.  What's your number?

Whoa.  Did this old man send me this note on top of his mint chocolate chip ice cream?  I just stared at it for a while, while the cashier stared at me.  Finally, I looked up and understood the note was from him.  I didn't really like the cheesy way he went about this, so I crumpled up the note and threw it at his head and said, "Oops!  Sorry!"

He never called me over to his register again.  Oh well.