Girls with boyfriends just don't get it

I don't understand some guys. OK, total understatement, I don't understand most guys. They'll go around parading their crushes, lust, feelings, or whatever to their friends, but some of them will never have the courage to tell the girl. Now, I totally get shyness. I do. I'm shy, and I'm most likely never going to just walk up to a guy I see at a bar and start a conversation or something...unless I'm in Europe. I'm a totally different person in Europe and when I travel.

There are girls that just don't get it too.  And you'll see what I'm talking about later in this post.

There's this guy, and he tells all these mutual friends how much he likes me and he thinks I'm funny, but then when it comes to hanging out, we never talk. And don't get me wrong, in this scenario I know it's basically a guaranteed thing, so I try to talk to him, but it doesn't really work.

I don't know if I like him or not, which is why I'd like it if we could have a real conversation. But, I am at a loss of what to do next!

I understand his shyness is probably amplified around our friends. We have two friends in common, and when he's invited to hang out they usually talk to him about stuff the three of them all know about, which doesn't include the rest of us. Then, the two friends will talk to the rest of us about stuff that doesn't include him. I don't think they realize they're doing it, and they make an effort to give everyone equal time. But, it's difficult bringing a new person into a group of friends that has so many inside jokes and things they reference.

Anyway, one night I was out with the two friends, their friend, let's call him Kyle, and my friend....Sarah (not her real name, of course!). I was a little nervous this night, I sometimes get really anxious in crowded bars (maybe I'll share all that in another post). It was karaoke night. Everything was going as usual, but I decided I wanted to talk to Kyle a little more tonight to see if I could see myself liking him "like that" and to decide if I wanted to try to pursue a better friendship or something more out of it.

Well, I had briefed Sarah on the entire situation, she's friends with the two guys but hasn't ever met Kyle. Sarah has a boyfriend, and she always has a boyfriend. If she breaks up with a guy she probably is only single for about a month. The current boyfriend I think is a keeper, and they've been together for a super long time now. I'm happy for them, but I don't think she is really in touch with the single life of a 26-year-old young lady like myself.

Finally, I was talking to Kyle. It wasn't a huge deal, it was just about music, and how we hate it when people who actually sing well hog the karaoke spotlight. I am a horrendous singer, and I go up there and belt out some awesome songs, and if there's a cordless mic I'll even dance around the bar. It's a pretty awesome show...assuming I'm not feeling anxious and will actually get up there.

Anyway, We were having a good time, I thought, and Sarah smiled at me when we began talking. It was one of those, "Good job!" smiles, and then about five minutes later she walks up to me and says, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Oh...OK," I replied.
"So come with me!"
"Do you really need me to?"

And she smiled and nodded her head.

Let me put this out there: This always happens. She is always like this, and you always have to go with her. Sometimes you think she probably has some juicy gossip for you, but then you get to the bathroom and 90% of the time she legit has to pee and has nothing interesting to add to that.

But, here I am, being naive and thinking that maybe one of the two guys told her that Kyle likes me or something...you know, anything productive to the situation.

Nope. Just had to pee.

We left the bathroom, I was frustrated, and Kyle was in the middle of singing karaoke. When he was finished he came back and got into a deep sports conversation with one of the other guys. I like sports, but, unfortunately they were discussing the only sport I find completely boring: Football. American football, that is, for anyone reading this outside the USA. I do very much enjoy soccer.

So, Sarah and I left.

I wish this guy would just get to it and at least ask for my number or something. But, I guess that's not in the cards yet. Lately I've been trying really hard to believe in fate and destiny and all that jazz, so maybe it's just not our time. Maybe it's still my ridiculously long time to be single. Maybe it's my time to go out and play the field and date a few guys at once, and then I can pick one and not be single any more.

Along the lines of fate and destiny, sometimes I think that maybe I'm supposed to be with someone already in my life, but it's just not the time for us to be together. I don't by any means think I should wait around for "our time," I think I should go on living my life as if I don't know my fate with him already (because obviously I don't know that for sure!). Some day maybe we'll be together, maybe we won't. But, other times, which is most of the time, I think fate and destiny is just a big load of shit when it comes to love.

:-)

Sometimes people are frustrating...



It's true!

So, let me put this out there, Jordan and I are just friends.  Sure, I had a little slip up once and told him I had feelings for him.  I didn't think I actually meant it upon further consideration.  I still will never date him again. 

We're friends with benefits.  So what?  Why is that such a big deal?  Let's pretend I knew I had feelings for him, would I tell him?  Absolutely not.  I don't even really care that much.  He recently moved away, and we hung out one night before he left.  It was so much fun, we laughed a ton, and it was just an overall great night.  But on the way home, I found myself really sad that he was leaving.  It almost felt like a break up.

I guess I did have feelings for him, and possibly still do.  But what does it all mean?  I've had some time to think about it, and it means that he's an amazing friend, who I don't want to be without.  Of course we can still talk all the time, he's one of my closest friends.  Having feelings for him changes nothing.  I get a tiny bit jealous when he's seeing someone new, but for the most part I don't care if she's a good person.

I just wish people wouldn't give me advice when I don't ask for it.  Sometimes I just want to say that I'm a little down about something, and let's do something fun to take my mind off it.  There seem to be only two friends that actually let me do that, and they're the ones I've known the longest.  I don't need someone telling me he's not right for me, because I'm not looking to date or marry him.  I just don't want our friendship to change, but I'm rolling with the punches and accepting it.

I know this post is quite rambly, but that's just how my thoughts are right now!  I've got so much going on in my life and I have an extremely busy summer ahead of me, which I have a feeling is bound to get extremely stressful, but I think I'll save all that for my next post :-)

Not enough time in the day...

Hey everyone!  I constantly say I'm going to post more, and sometime soon I'm going to actually do so.  I do have time to post, but sometimes I just don't know what to write about.  I'm going to try this new thing where I just write about what's actually on my mind other than trying to find a specific topic!

So, today, right now, I can't stop thinking about time.  I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want.  I have a lot to do, such as, work, job searching, writing my novel, working out, and random things I usually do throughout the day.  However, no one ever seems to understand that I'm actually busy!  Or, people seem to trivialize my to-do lists, so I really dislike telling people why I'm busy.  I'll outline exactly why each of these things are important to me and I think you'll understand why I'm so busy and can't go out for drinks/dinner/lunch/coffee/etc.

1. Job searching - More like career searching.  I actually pretty much enjoy my job, but let's be totally honest: I do NOT want to do this the rest of my life.  Hell, I don't even want to do this another year.  I'd love a real job, a career, full time, and then work part time at my retail job maybe 10-15 hours per week.  That's the dream.  However, it's so difficult to even get an interview for a career I'm interested in, considering I don't have any "experience."  I have not one, but two bachelor's degrees, and seven years of customer service experience.  Thrown in my work history is an internship and supervisory and manegerial experience.  This isn't enough.  I know that if I just get an interview I'll be able to "wow" them and get a damn career!  I'm motivated, and I'm applying to jobs like crazy.  I devote hours almost every day to this endeavor.  First, it takes me a while to find the jobs.  So, yesterday I had off of work.  I searched for a long time, until I found 25 jobs I feel I would be really good at.  Then I made a list of them and tomorrow I'll apply to almost all of them.  Also, tomorrow I'm doing follow-up calls for jobs I applied for last week.  So...this is time consuming and I don't know why people don't understand that.
2. Writing my novel - This is so important to me.  People constantly think I'm not actually working toward this or something.  People probably think I'm not totally serious about it, maybe that I'll never finish, or whatever.  Here's the truth: I'm going to finish this damn novel and I'm going to send it off to publishers and literary agents.  This is going to happen soon.  I'm not accepting failure.  If my novel gets rejected, I'm going to rewrite it and try again.  This is my dream, so if I set aside an hour or two for myself to write after work, then I'm going to go home and write for an hour or two.  Maybe I won't actually write, maybe I'll sit there and stare at the computer, maybe I'll do random searches for random things, maybe I'll make new playlists on iTunes, who knows.  But it's my writing time, and that's not negotiable.  I'm not hanging out with you if I plan on writing, and when I decline an invitation for drinks, I don't understand why you have to ask me, "Why not?"  Every time someone asks, I say, "I'm writing," and they say, "Do that another time!"  That's like telling me to call in sick for work to go out drinking.  I want to be a novelist, I want to be an author, I want to actually make a living with this, so it's kind of like a job.  A job I love.  So, yes, I'm staying home so I can write, because we can go out for drinks later, to celebrate, when I'm published! :)
3. Working out - I've gained 10lbs since I quit smoking (it's been a month, yay me!).  I have body image issues, I felt really good when I was 10lbs lighter, but still had to work out a lot to maintain that.  So, I'm busting my ass to get back down to that weight.  I really dont like going out when I feel crappy about myself, because it makes me feel crappier to see other people who look better and blah blah blah.  I won't skip a workout to hang out with someone.  I have to look out for me, right?

Maybe some of this is selfish, but I think I've come to a point in my life where I need to work on myself.  I'm getting annoyed with people telling me I've been anti-social.  I think working on yourself and being content and happy in your every day life is such an important thing, and I don't think it's right if I continue putting things off.  I need a change in my life, and I need it now.  I can't give myself the job of my dreams, but I can certainly continue to apply for as many jobs as I can find so I can hopefully land an interview.  I can make my dreams come true. 

Walt Disney said, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them," and I truly believe that.  Anyway, if these friends are actually good friends, then they'll still be around when I'm done with all my to-do lists, right?

Uhhh...what about ME?

So, here's the deal:  I'm getting really, really fed up with people.  So much for the part of my New Year's Resolutions where I claim I'm going to do more for myself!  I've come to discover it's pretty difficult to do more for yourself when no one thinks of you.

That's right, I said it...no one thinks of me.  And I'm not just talking about guys don't think about dating me, or whatever.  I mean that everyone this week has been a giant disappointment.  No one thinks of what may or may not be convenient for me.  No one thinks about what I have to do today, tomorrow, or next week.  I don't want to go into a ton of detail because I need to just put it all behind me and move on, but here are the basics:

Part of my family has changed plans and can no longer take care of something for the original time they offered to do so.  I understand that they're doing a favor, and when it turns out they aren't able to do the favor as intended, the responsibility has to fall on me.  I just wish it didn't turn out that way.  I ended up figuring everything out and the whole situation is going to be totally fine, but I'm really, really bad at last minute things.  I don't do last minute very well and I get extremely stressed out with these situations.

So, I thought I was de-stressed about that, until I got to work.  I arrive at work to find out another manager has scheduled me to work at a different location this weekend.  Nothing like a little short notice.  If they'd have asked me they'd know I can't work anywhere else on Saturday because my manager is on vacation and we're short-staffed.  Sunday was my only scheduled day off next week, so now I have to change that schedule around because someone else was irresponsible.

Do people think I don't have a life?  What is it that makes it seem like I have nothing better to do than change around my schedule, my life, to meet everyone else's needs and shortcomings?  I'm so sick of being punished for everyone else's lack of consideration.

You may be wondering why I don't just say "no" when some of this happens.  Well, when I don't say "no" it's usually because I know it will be inconvenient or negatively affect someone else, so I actually consider other people.

It feels extremely shitty to know no one thinks of you.  Ugh.

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Welcome to the pity party...

Yep, here we are again feeling sorry for ourselves.  I hate it.  I feel so unbelievably pathetic when I feel so sorry for myself that I can't muster up actual feelings of joy for a big moment in a friend's life.  I've spent the entire weekend in this mode of self-pity, and doing a lot of drinking.  In fact, I returned home from a very fun engagement party only to open another bottle of wine and be so bored that I drunkenly played Wii table tennis for over an hour.  Pathetic?  Yes.  What's even more pathetic (and a little humorous) is the fact that I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a sore arm.  Seriously?  I lift weights, how is swinging around a Wii remote even comparable???

Anyway, it's not the engagement party that got to me, it was so much fun and I'm so happy for the couple and I'm excited to see their beautiful wedding...they put together an awesome intimate party, I can't even imagine the wonderfulness of their wedding!  What got to me is the same thing I've posted about before: jobs.  I like my job, but sometimes I get really frustrated with things.  I had a very welcome weekend off, in which I relaxed and intended on writing more of my novel (but only pushed out a couple hundred more words). 

It's that catch-22 so many people complain about.  I have a degree, but no experience in any of the fields I'm looking to work in, which include, but are not limited to: Marketing, Communications, Event Planning, Corporate Travel Coordinating, etc.  How do I get experience when no one will hire me?  Do people even read my compelling cover letter and resume?  Did I waste my time in college?  Do I go to grad school and risk being overqualified for an entry-level position?  Where the hell are all these entry-level positions?  Oh, that's right, they're for internships, which I may be willing to bite the bullet and do unpaid if it would lead to a promising future with a company.  But most internships are for those still in college.  I wish I lived back in the days before you applied online.  When a Human Resources manager, or whomever, had to sit and physically look at all the applicants rather than having some filtering system done for them via computer or other technology.  But, the situation probably won't be changing soon, so I digress.

So I spent the weekend hating my financial situation and how little I get paid considering I'm a college graduate and hating the work situation.  Then, this morning, I wake up thinking, "Ok, Emma, it's a brand new day and only the second day of the week, you have another day off and you're going to be extremely productive and happy."  I wandered around the house and wrote a little, then I started getting ready to go to the gym, when my phone rang.  I needed to go to work for a little bit because someone was having an emergency and couldn't get there on time.  Fine.

I go to work, I'm not there long, but it definitely hindered my productivity plans for the morning.  It was alright because that could all be made up for with my wicked time management skills.  I will admit, even though everything was fine here, I'm a planner and I get frustrated if I make a to-do list and everything doesn't get done.  I had a little freak out while driving to work trying to sort out everything in my mind and how to get it all done.  Just as I sorted it all out, then came the other blow.

I arrived at work and got everything ready for the day.  I received a text message from one of my closest guy friends saying, "I'm getting engaged today."  I replied, "Are you joking?" because it really is something he'd joke about.  These guys sometimes enjoy playing such pranks on me via text messages because I'm rather gullible with them and if I can't see your face or at least hear your voice, I can't usually tell if you're joking or lying.  He said he wasn't joking.  My heart sank into my stomach.

I suppose it makes no difference, they've been together a few years and the situation probably won't change much from what it is now...and by that I mean I rarely see him, but we still talk pretty often.  Our schedules constantly conflict.  I don't even know this girl.  Years have gone by and I swear to you, dear readers, that I've only met her three times, five at the most.  For the first year or so most of the things I've heard about her, from him, were complaints.  Therefore, I, and most of our other friends, never thought it would last this long or get this serious.

We can also rewind this whole scenario about a decade and state the fact that I dated this friend for a few weeks in high school and we broke up deciding we were better off as friends, which I'd love to say proved to be true because we became very good friends after the awkwardness went away.  Somehow, I always retained these feelings like I wish I would have hung on in the relationship a little longer, just to see what might have come of it.  Can two people really be so similar and not be meant to date?  At this point in my life, I couldn't imagine even kissing him and getting fluttery feelings, so it's not that kind of jealousy.

I'm happy he's happy, and I'm happy he's found someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I'd never, ever express anything else to him.  I don't know her, so I just hope she's the right fit for him, and I trust his judgment on the matter.  After all, no one knows him better than himself, right?

So, once again, it's time to move on with my life.  People can say all they want that I'll have my time or I'll meet a guy that will sweep  me off my feet some day, but I'm really losing faith in all the Prince Charmings out there because none have come my way in a long, long time.  I only end up with frogs that remain frogs, and I'm not willing to settle so I think I probably have a lot of waiting ahead of me.

Shoutout to my readers!!!

I'd just like to say, you guys are fantastic!  I just took a look at my blog stats and I was totally shocked to see the list of countries I've had readers from!

Argentina
Australia
Canada
Germany
Hong Kong
Latvia
Netherlands
New Zealand
Romania
United Kingdom
USA
U.S. Virgin Islands

I really do love reading about other people's lives, especially from other cultures, so if you have a blog you'd like to share please e-mail it to me at: emmaville42786@gmail.com

You can also e-mail me any stories, topics you'd like me to write about, or any questions or comments you may have!  I hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
Emma

Life Update

Since you last heard from me, a long, long time ago, a lot has happened!  Happy Halloween, by the way!  Unfortunately, I had been pretty sick and never got around to getting a costume, so I spent a relaxing night at home with some cocktails and an excellent book!

I was in Europe with my family, went to Oktoberfest in Munich, Rome, Zurich, and a few small German towns.  It was a spectacular time and I hope we do it again next year!  If not, that's fine, we did it once and it was great.

I know you know about Jordan, who is now dating someone new.  I was in Europe for a little less than two weeks, and in that time everything changed.  He's dating a girl who I won't make up a name for at this time, so I'll just call her Girl.  I know Girl, not very well, but I know her.  We all went to the same high school.  He's had a crush on her for a few years now, and he would frequently tell me about it.  Back when I dated Jordan, shortly after we broke up he told her he had feelings for her.  At that time, I was hanging out with her every now and then (through another mutual friend) and she called to ask if it was alright with me if she dated him.  I said it was, even though it really wasn't.  It's not her, it's any girl.  I didn't want him to be with any girl so soon after we broke up (a few weeks).  They didn't date.  I don't know what happened with that.

Anyway, now they're dating each other.  Maybe it was meant to be, maybe they'll have a short relationship, or a long relationship, or get married, or whatever.  Maybe they're perfect for each other.  And part of me is happy for that, really, I am.  As much as I know of her, she's a sweet girl and a good friend.  It just always sucks when, once again, you're not the right person for someone.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think Jordan is the right guy for me...but it doesn't hurt any less when you realize that, at this point in time, you're not the right person for anyone.  Obviously I'm not married, so I've never been the "right person," and I haven't found the "right person," so it is a two-way street.  It's just getting frustrating.

I don't want to talk about work.  I want to talk about the work holiday party and how I can't find an f'ing date.  Really, I'm a pretty girl, I look good in dresses, I'm funny, and I like to dance (there's dancing at this party) and have a good time.  Who wouldn't want to go with me?  Well, guys with girlfriends because those are the only kinds of guys I know.  There's this other guy, who I haven't seen in years, he's single and maybe interested.  But I don't have time for maybes, and it'd be kind of weird to go with someone you haven't seen in so long.  We talk pretty often, but our schedules never seem to line up.  I think I'm going to give up on this whole date thing.

But I don't want to give up on it!  I don't want to just meet a new guy and go with him, I want to go with someone I already know I can have fun with.  I just have this stupid imagination that tends to run wild and I imagine someone like Shawn calling me and I tell him about the party and he tells me he wants to go.  Then I get all dressed up and it'll be the first time I see him in over a year, and he'll tell me I look beautiful, and I'll believe him, we'll go to the party and he'll ask me to dance, and we'll laugh all night.  Then, he'll tell me he still likes me and wants to try it again, then I'll tell him, "No, this was only a one time thing," because he's not the right guy (as stupid as I can be about him, I at least realize he's not good for me).  We'll go home, kiss goodnight, and then I'll probably never see him again and it would at least be a much better ending than the last time we saw each other.  None of that is ever going to happen, though.

What else has been new?  Oh, I'm the extra wheel.  All the time.  And I'm getting so sick of it that I'm on the verge of being one of those girls that goes out to dinner alone or something.  My parents invited me to the Dominican Republic with them and my brother and sister-in-law.  Yeah, how about that.  Let's all get drunk and you can have your romantic vacations and I'll go back to my room and hate myself for not having met some awesome guy to share the experience with.  Plus, if I get really drunk and pass out on the beach, I really don't need my parents with me.  I've already done that and I don't think they really want to see it.  They're all going to Chicago, too.  And since I declined the Dominican Republic trip, they thought I wasn't interested, so they booked two rooms.  I went on this rant about how Chicago would be much more interesting, I can visit some family, etc, and they said, "Well, you could still come!"  Thanks for trying, but now that was just an afterthought.  I know you're all probably reading this and wondering what's wrong with me, but at this point it feels like I'd just spoil Chicago for everyone.  Anyway, no more trips for me at the moment!

November 1 is the beginning of National Novel Writing Month, so I'm going to get crackin' on that novel!  Some of you may know that it's a huge dream of mine to write and publish a novel.  I've written numerous drafts, and none of them have pleased me.  Now, I'm using National Novel Writing Month (a.k.a. NaNoWriMo) as a way to kick myself in the ass and get this novel written!  I've taken all my old drafts, made a more productive/interesting outline, and now I'm going to start back at the beginning!  I'm really excited for this project, and I really, really need it to work out.  I need to send it off to publishers and find out if I have what it takes.  If I don't, then at least I tried.  If I don't try, I'll always regret it and wonder about it for the rest of my life!

I hope this post wasn't too depressing since I'm pretty down in the dumps about love at this moment in life!  It'll get better!  I've written down tons of topics I want to blog about, I just haven't had a good opportunity to sit down and write the posts until now.  I'm really excited to finish out 2011 with a bang on this blog, and then it's on to 2012 and bigger and better things!

I'm considering making big changes to the blog, so there may be a new web address in the future, I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!  :-)

xoxo
Emma