Rude people suck!

I'll describe myself to you. I have dark brown curly hair, side swept bangs that I straighten, a fair complexion, freckles, and I'm about 5'4". I have blue eyes. I have a bigger than average chest. I usually wear heels to work, and they're usually at least 3".   I just like wearing heels. This is all a customer judged me on.

He came into the store, told me what he needed (I can't give any more details without giving away where I work), and I had to take down some basic information. So, here's how this scenario went:

Me: Hi! What brings you in today?
Customer: I need to _____________.
Me: OK! (grab the paperwork for this type of request) What's your name?
Customer: (gives name)
Me: Phone number?
Customer: (gives phone number)
Me: Great, and then I just need your e-mail. Customer: ___ ____ bike at _____ dot com.
Me: (writing out e-mail, spell "bike" correctly)
Customer: Wow, you spelled "bike" right.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You're smarter than I thought you were going to be.
Me: Well, I did graduate from college, so I'm glad my ability to spell a first grade word impresses you.

Seriously? I hardly said anything to him, I didn't stumble over my words, I didn't use "like," or "um," or anything like that. I don't understand why he thought I wasn't going to be intelligent when he walked in. I'm totally offended. I told this story to one of my friends, and he told me I'm too defensive and not to sweat the small stuff.

Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I am being too defensive about it. But still, it was rude. I would never tell a stranger their level of intelligence surprised me. I would never just assume someone is ignorant or stupid right away. Sure, I've found plenty of people to be ignorant and/or stupid, but they've generally given me a reason to think so. Maybe I am being too defensive. Maybe I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but when someone is rude to you, sometimes it just sticks with you. It's there for a while. Maybe I'll think of it again if he comes back, and then I'll be upset all over again. Who knows. I guess I don't know where I'm going with all this, and I just needed to vent a little about a jerk I encountered today. :)

Valentine's Day

For once, I didn't let my big imagination let me get extremely disappointed!

As I'm sure all of you know, yesterday was Valentine's Day.  Since I'm not currently dating anyone, I expected to have a terrible day.  However, as it got closer and closer to the day, I realized, there's absolutely no reason to have a terrible day on Valentine's Day!  In the past, it would have totally bothered me being alone.  I found it a little disgusting when I worked at a bridal store and bunches of flowers and chocolates would be delivered to girls at work.  Um, hello, some of you live with your Valentine, is that really necessary?  No, it's not, unless you just want to have some competition to see who gets the biggest bouquet, as if that means your boyfriend/fiance/husband loves you more or less than your friend with the bigger or smaller bouquet.  I just don't need all that.

Anyway, every year when I was working in a big store like that, I'd watch girls get these bouquets and cards and chocolates and whatever.  One of the years I had a boyfriend, but we broke up just over a week before Valentine's Day.  So, of course, I had this whole idea in my head that he was going to send me flowers at work and ask me to take him back.  I'd tell him it was a kind gesture, and then maybe we could go on a date after work or something, and then we wouldn't date again and I'd say, "We broke up for a reason!"  None of that ever happened.  But, every single year I'd let my imagination get the best of me and I'd think of some guy that I went out with once or twice that might have flowers sent to my work.  To this day, only one boyfriend has ever actually given me flowers at work.  He delivered the flowers himself, when he picked me up from work to take me on a date.  That was our 4th or 5th date.  We were 19.  I never received flowers at work again.

So, yes, when I was working in that type of environment I'd feel bad.  However, now I'm working in a smaller store, and today it was just me and one other girl.  I'm not going to lie, I had a pretty bomb ass day.  I got sooo much stuff done it was kind of ridiculous.  I was feeling really great about how productive we were, and the stuff we accomplished today was not only good for business today, but good for business in the future.  Sure, I've said in the past that I enjoy this job but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but while I apply for careers I'm going to stay at this job and do the best I can and try to excel at it.  Anyway, it was a good day at work.

All day it was just another day to me.  There was absolutely no feeling bad about being single and there was no jealousy over someone else getting flowers.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a total romantic (even though sometimes I try to deny it and claim, "I'm not some cheesy girl," I really am).  I thought of 5-10 guys that might possibly be interested in sending me flowers at work today.  Of course, none of them did.  It's not a huge deal.  For once, I didn't allow myself to get disappointed from my imagination.  If any of those guys had gotten me flowers it would have been weird anyway, especially since I don't really want to date any of them!

I had this great day yesterday, and Monday was really great.  I have a feeling the week is going to continue this way, and there's just something inside me that is excited.  I have no idea what I'm excited for, and I don't really have anything specific to be excited about...I'm just excited!  Maybe it's because I'm not so stressed out, which is probably because I've been spending a lot of time alone, working out, writing, reading, or sometimes just watching a movie with some wine.  I'm so much more relaxed not dealing with everyone's problems all the time, which in turn creates more problems for me.  I'm almost to a point in my life where I'm ready to go out and start meeting guys again.  A few months ago, any guy I would have met or considered dating would have probably been totally horrible for me, but now I think I can choose someone better.  I think I can choose a guy that's not going to annoy me or break my heart (but I'm attempting to knock on wood as I type this).

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, and I constantly say I'm going to post more, then I bail again.  The fact is, I have plenty of time to write and post blogs, I just thought I ran out of interesting topics since my search for a guy ended for a while.  But, I think now I'm going to just write about whatever I want and feel like writing in the meantime.  After all, this blog is about my whole life!

Oh, and Monday was my one month anniversary for being smoke-free.  I've been nicotine and cigarette free for a whole month!  I'm so proud of myself...and also craving a cigarette...but I've started to get disgusted by the smell of cigarettes so I don't actually want one bad enough to give into my cravings.  Yay me!

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Jordan

Jordan and I met my freshman year of high school when he was a sophomore.  We met through a mutual friend, Sarah, who went to grade school with him.  I had a teeny, tiny crush on him the first day we met.  I’ll admit it.  

We would talk whenever we were in the cafeteria at the same time, we’d hang out after school or at basketball games after I was done performing with the dance team at half time, and finally, when I was a junior and he was a senior, we had a class together.  

He sat in front of me, and this guy Dave (also a senior) sat behind me.  Dave would always think he’d be whispering things to me, when really everyone around him could hear.  He’d say some really dirty things he wanted to do with me after school, and I either just sat there and laughed at him or turned around and said, “Seriously, shut the f**k up!”

One Thursday Dave kept telling me he and a few friends were going camping and he’d love it if I would come too.  It’d be the best first date ever.  I said, “I really don’t think you’re interested in actually dating me.”  He kept telling me that I was too special to just use for sex, and I kept laughing at him.  He said camping would be amazing, they’d bring a ton of alcohol and we could have our own tent and separate sleeping bags, so I didn’t have to worry about anything like that.  Meanwhile, Jordan would constantly hear these conversations and shake his head.  I always said no to whatever Dave offered.  Part of me really did want to at least make out with him, but I knew I’d be just another girl to him, so I never did.   

One night, after a basketball game I was hanging out with Stephanie, Jordan, and this guy Mike.  We had been just talking and walking around the football field.  When we were headed back to our cars, Jordan mentioned something about running and hurdling over this picket fence that was a little higher than his waist (Jordan is about six feet tall).  I said there was no way he would be able to do it without falling because he has two bad knees from playing hockey.  We made a bet.  If he fell, I got $10.  If he made it successfully, I had to flash him and Mike.  We shook on it.  I lost.  I had to flash them.

By this time, I had a huge crush on Jordan.  We were becoming closer friends and I liked being close with him.  He was really cute, tall, played hockey, went hunting, dressed nice, he was a real guy’s guy, if you will.  I said, “Wait, I really have to flash both of you?  Can’t one of you just describe it to the other?”
“You don’t have to like, stand there with your shirt up, just for a few seconds,” said Mike.
“Yeah, but to both of you for a few seconds?”
“Why did you agree to the bet then?” Mike asked.
“Why does anybody agree to a bet?  I was confident I’d win and wouldn’t have to do this,” I nervously replied.
“It’s nice to know you have no faith in my jumping skills.  But, since I’m such a nice guy, I won’t make you flash us,” Jordan said.
“I’m not scared to or anything,” I lied, “I’m just a little shy I guess.”
“Just show us one!” Mike said.  

I conceded and I showed them only one boob, the right one to be exact. 

After Jordan graduated he went to college in town and got an apartment with two of his close friends.  Stephanie and I went over to the apartment to hang out with them sometimes, they always had beer.  One night, I made out with Jordan’s good friend while he made out with Stephanie.  I was a little hurt that he chose her to make out with, but I guess he could have said the same thing, right?

That was the last time I saw Jordan.  We kept in contact talking and texting, but his girlfriend-turned-fiancé somehow prevented us from hanging out.  So all we had were the times he was at the fire station (yep, he was a firefighter, how hot is that?) and able to talk to me.  We’d go a few weeks or a month without talking, and then catch up in one, long phone conversation lasting hours.

Maybe I’d forget about him sometimes during those few weeks, but every time my phone rang and his name popped up my heart started pounding.  Not necessarily because of the feelings I had for him, but I was so excited to have my friend back, even if it was only for a night.

Introduction

Yesterday was my 25th birthday.  At first, I felt pretty intimidated by this.  When I graduated from college in 2008 I saw my life being in a completely different place by now.  i imagined I'd be in a career, a "big girl job," if you will.  Instead, I'm the assistant manager at a retail store.  Don't get me wrong, I do love and enjoy my job (most days), but I expected to be doing bigger things.

I've done a lot so far, I did study abroad programs, completed an internship in Italy, I've been to 9 different countries, and I've traveled a little here in the USA.  I have a lot of goals and big dreams, and I intend on achieving them all, or at least trying everything I can to get there...because if I don't at least try my hardest, what's the point in dreaming at all?

I also expected to maybe have a steady boyfriend by now.  I've never been in a relationship that has lasted a full year, and a lot of times I think I never will.  I've never actually been in love.  Aside from what I see on TV, in movies, or read in books, I have no idea what that's even like.  In college I had a lot of fun, but after that I expected to settle down and find a guy I could seriously see a future with.  I have definitely had my heart broken, which I don't quite understand since I've never been in love.

So what's wrong with me?  I don't know, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the guys I choose to date.  I decided to blog about it to help me figure it all out, and I'll start with telling the stories of all my relationships, or other male encounters, starting with my first kiss.  I'll also throw in things from my every day life, along with family, friendships, work stuff, etc.

Feel free to comment and share this blog with your friends; maybe my weird stories will help someone out, or maybe you can give me some advice!