Girls with boyfriends just don't get it

I don't understand some guys. OK, total understatement, I don't understand most guys. They'll go around parading their crushes, lust, feelings, or whatever to their friends, but some of them will never have the courage to tell the girl. Now, I totally get shyness. I do. I'm shy, and I'm most likely never going to just walk up to a guy I see at a bar and start a conversation or something...unless I'm in Europe. I'm a totally different person in Europe and when I travel.

There are girls that just don't get it too.  And you'll see what I'm talking about later in this post.

There's this guy, and he tells all these mutual friends how much he likes me and he thinks I'm funny, but then when it comes to hanging out, we never talk. And don't get me wrong, in this scenario I know it's basically a guaranteed thing, so I try to talk to him, but it doesn't really work.

I don't know if I like him or not, which is why I'd like it if we could have a real conversation. But, I am at a loss of what to do next!

I understand his shyness is probably amplified around our friends. We have two friends in common, and when he's invited to hang out they usually talk to him about stuff the three of them all know about, which doesn't include the rest of us. Then, the two friends will talk to the rest of us about stuff that doesn't include him. I don't think they realize they're doing it, and they make an effort to give everyone equal time. But, it's difficult bringing a new person into a group of friends that has so many inside jokes and things they reference.

Anyway, one night I was out with the two friends, their friend, let's call him Kyle, and my friend....Sarah (not her real name, of course!). I was a little nervous this night, I sometimes get really anxious in crowded bars (maybe I'll share all that in another post). It was karaoke night. Everything was going as usual, but I decided I wanted to talk to Kyle a little more tonight to see if I could see myself liking him "like that" and to decide if I wanted to try to pursue a better friendship or something more out of it.

Well, I had briefed Sarah on the entire situation, she's friends with the two guys but hasn't ever met Kyle. Sarah has a boyfriend, and she always has a boyfriend. If she breaks up with a guy she probably is only single for about a month. The current boyfriend I think is a keeper, and they've been together for a super long time now. I'm happy for them, but I don't think she is really in touch with the single life of a 26-year-old young lady like myself.

Finally, I was talking to Kyle. It wasn't a huge deal, it was just about music, and how we hate it when people who actually sing well hog the karaoke spotlight. I am a horrendous singer, and I go up there and belt out some awesome songs, and if there's a cordless mic I'll even dance around the bar. It's a pretty awesome show...assuming I'm not feeling anxious and will actually get up there.

Anyway, We were having a good time, I thought, and Sarah smiled at me when we began talking. It was one of those, "Good job!" smiles, and then about five minutes later she walks up to me and says, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Oh...OK," I replied.
"So come with me!"
"Do you really need me to?"

And she smiled and nodded her head.

Let me put this out there: This always happens. She is always like this, and you always have to go with her. Sometimes you think she probably has some juicy gossip for you, but then you get to the bathroom and 90% of the time she legit has to pee and has nothing interesting to add to that.

But, here I am, being naive and thinking that maybe one of the two guys told her that Kyle likes me or something...you know, anything productive to the situation.

Nope. Just had to pee.

We left the bathroom, I was frustrated, and Kyle was in the middle of singing karaoke. When he was finished he came back and got into a deep sports conversation with one of the other guys. I like sports, but, unfortunately they were discussing the only sport I find completely boring: Football. American football, that is, for anyone reading this outside the USA. I do very much enjoy soccer.

So, Sarah and I left.

I wish this guy would just get to it and at least ask for my number or something. But, I guess that's not in the cards yet. Lately I've been trying really hard to believe in fate and destiny and all that jazz, so maybe it's just not our time. Maybe it's still my ridiculously long time to be single. Maybe it's my time to go out and play the field and date a few guys at once, and then I can pick one and not be single any more.

Along the lines of fate and destiny, sometimes I think that maybe I'm supposed to be with someone already in my life, but it's just not the time for us to be together. I don't by any means think I should wait around for "our time," I think I should go on living my life as if I don't know my fate with him already (because obviously I don't know that for sure!). Some day maybe we'll be together, maybe we won't. But, other times, which is most of the time, I think fate and destiny is just a big load of shit when it comes to love.

:-)

Rude people suck!

I'll describe myself to you. I have dark brown curly hair, side swept bangs that I straighten, a fair complexion, freckles, and I'm about 5'4". I have blue eyes. I have a bigger than average chest. I usually wear heels to work, and they're usually at least 3".   I just like wearing heels. This is all a customer judged me on.

He came into the store, told me what he needed (I can't give any more details without giving away where I work), and I had to take down some basic information. So, here's how this scenario went:

Me: Hi! What brings you in today?
Customer: I need to _____________.
Me: OK! (grab the paperwork for this type of request) What's your name?
Customer: (gives name)
Me: Phone number?
Customer: (gives phone number)
Me: Great, and then I just need your e-mail. Customer: ___ ____ bike at _____ dot com.
Me: (writing out e-mail, spell "bike" correctly)
Customer: Wow, you spelled "bike" right.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You're smarter than I thought you were going to be.
Me: Well, I did graduate from college, so I'm glad my ability to spell a first grade word impresses you.

Seriously? I hardly said anything to him, I didn't stumble over my words, I didn't use "like," or "um," or anything like that. I don't understand why he thought I wasn't going to be intelligent when he walked in. I'm totally offended. I told this story to one of my friends, and he told me I'm too defensive and not to sweat the small stuff.

Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I am being too defensive about it. But still, it was rude. I would never tell a stranger their level of intelligence surprised me. I would never just assume someone is ignorant or stupid right away. Sure, I've found plenty of people to be ignorant and/or stupid, but they've generally given me a reason to think so. Maybe I am being too defensive. Maybe I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but when someone is rude to you, sometimes it just sticks with you. It's there for a while. Maybe I'll think of it again if he comes back, and then I'll be upset all over again. Who knows. I guess I don't know where I'm going with all this, and I just needed to vent a little about a jerk I encountered today. :)

Sometimes people are frustrating...



It's true!

So, let me put this out there, Jordan and I are just friends.  Sure, I had a little slip up once and told him I had feelings for him.  I didn't think I actually meant it upon further consideration.  I still will never date him again. 

We're friends with benefits.  So what?  Why is that such a big deal?  Let's pretend I knew I had feelings for him, would I tell him?  Absolutely not.  I don't even really care that much.  He recently moved away, and we hung out one night before he left.  It was so much fun, we laughed a ton, and it was just an overall great night.  But on the way home, I found myself really sad that he was leaving.  It almost felt like a break up.

I guess I did have feelings for him, and possibly still do.  But what does it all mean?  I've had some time to think about it, and it means that he's an amazing friend, who I don't want to be without.  Of course we can still talk all the time, he's one of my closest friends.  Having feelings for him changes nothing.  I get a tiny bit jealous when he's seeing someone new, but for the most part I don't care if she's a good person.

I just wish people wouldn't give me advice when I don't ask for it.  Sometimes I just want to say that I'm a little down about something, and let's do something fun to take my mind off it.  There seem to be only two friends that actually let me do that, and they're the ones I've known the longest.  I don't need someone telling me he's not right for me, because I'm not looking to date or marry him.  I just don't want our friendship to change, but I'm rolling with the punches and accepting it.

I know this post is quite rambly, but that's just how my thoughts are right now!  I've got so much going on in my life and I have an extremely busy summer ahead of me, which I have a feeling is bound to get extremely stressful, but I think I'll save all that for my next post :-)

Caution: Water may be hot

Recap

The last time we talked about Jordan he was engaged and it seemed as though he wasn't allowed to see me or talk to me.  Which, by the way, I never understood considering we never fooled around, expressed feelings for each other, or anything.  We were just friends.  Then I didn't hear from him for a long, long time.  I don't remember the exact amount of time, but it was definitely months.  Honestly, I kind of forgot about him.  To clarify, it's been three years since we've actually seen each other.  This all happened a few years ago.

The Call

I returned home from Italy and was back at work.  I was driving home one night and had a call coming in from, you guessed it, Jordan!  I answered and was a little snotty to him because it had been so long since he called or even sent a text (yes, I put in effort and tried contacting him at the beginning of the drought in our friendship, but gave up after so many unanswered calls/texts).  He asked if I wanted to meet him at a local diner in 30 minutes and I said, "Oh, you can actually see me now?  How do I know you're not going to stand me up?"  He explained that he was no longer engaged and is now single.  I accepted the offer of hanging out.  After all, I'm not the kind of girl that wants you sneaking around on someone.

30 minutes wasn't enough time to go home and change, so I went straight to the diner.  I touched up my makeup in the car (I actually applied lip gloss, that's only for special people or if I'm feeling extra fancy).  I didn't feel like sitting in the car any longer, so I went inside and grabbed a booth in the smoking section.  I ordered a Diet Coke, and nervously smoked a few cigarettes.  He was late.  Go figure.  As I watched the paper burn down to the filter (what I do when I'm nervous), I realized he was going to know I was sitting here waiting for him for so long.  There were three cigarettes in the ash tray and I was stubbing out number four, and I'll admit, that's pretty disgusting.

So, since I live in Emmaville, population: 1, I quickly came up with a plan.  I'm going to put this out there right now: it wasn't a genius plan or anything.  In fact, I'm probably the only person in the world that thinks you look like a loser because the other person was late in meeting you, which "forced" you to chain smoke.  Right, on with the plan!

The Plan

The booth was right by the bathroom.  I could take the ash tray to the bathroom (it was a one-stall kind of thing, so no one would walk in on this scene) and dump out the evidence of me sitting there for so long.  Excellent.

Not.

I dumped out the ashes, decided to actually use the bathroom, and noticed there was smoke coming from the garbage can.  That's right, your favorite genius over here didn't fully put out that last cigarette in all the haste.  Well, sh*t, Jordan just so happens to be a firefighter, so this looks horrible.  I can't be the girl that started the fire in a diner bathroom, what would he think of me?  I'd lose all his respect, and I honestly could never bring myself to tell this story on the news when asked why I started the fire.  

I pulled up my pants and walked over to the faucet, didn't pay attention to anything other than the sign 

Caution: Water may be hot  

 

Yeah, how hot can it get?  I cranked on the water at near-full-speed, got some in my hands and walked over to the garbage.  I took a few seconds to inspect it, there was just one tiny flame and a few burning embers, but it smelled like something terrible.  Do people actually wash their hands?  Because I would think the paper towel in there would be damp and this whole episode wouldn't have happened (yes, I blame 10% of this situation on the dirty people that just throw paper towel in the garbage to make it appear as though they've washed their hands.  I've seen it happen).

Anyway, I go back to the faucet to get one more handful of water for good measure, and hey!  I turned the hot water on!  How hot can it get?  Scorching, actually.  Enough for me to yell a few obscenities and dump the burning water into the garbage (yeah, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but you don't know how it felt).  I turned the cold water on, washed my hands, and threw a damp paper towel into the garbage.  I retrieved the ash tray and my purse, opened the door, just to find a laughing Jordan in the booth I was previously sitting in.  "What the hell was going on in there?" he asked.  What can I say?  All I could come up with was, "Just some stuff.  What's up?"

To be continued...

Jordan

Jordan and I met my freshman year of high school when he was a sophomore.  We met through a mutual friend, Sarah, who went to grade school with him.  I had a teeny, tiny crush on him the first day we met.  I’ll admit it.  

We would talk whenever we were in the cafeteria at the same time, we’d hang out after school or at basketball games after I was done performing with the dance team at half time, and finally, when I was a junior and he was a senior, we had a class together.  

He sat in front of me, and this guy Dave (also a senior) sat behind me.  Dave would always think he’d be whispering things to me, when really everyone around him could hear.  He’d say some really dirty things he wanted to do with me after school, and I either just sat there and laughed at him or turned around and said, “Seriously, shut the f**k up!”

One Thursday Dave kept telling me he and a few friends were going camping and he’d love it if I would come too.  It’d be the best first date ever.  I said, “I really don’t think you’re interested in actually dating me.”  He kept telling me that I was too special to just use for sex, and I kept laughing at him.  He said camping would be amazing, they’d bring a ton of alcohol and we could have our own tent and separate sleeping bags, so I didn’t have to worry about anything like that.  Meanwhile, Jordan would constantly hear these conversations and shake his head.  I always said no to whatever Dave offered.  Part of me really did want to at least make out with him, but I knew I’d be just another girl to him, so I never did.   

One night, after a basketball game I was hanging out with Stephanie, Jordan, and this guy Mike.  We had been just talking and walking around the football field.  When we were headed back to our cars, Jordan mentioned something about running and hurdling over this picket fence that was a little higher than his waist (Jordan is about six feet tall).  I said there was no way he would be able to do it without falling because he has two bad knees from playing hockey.  We made a bet.  If he fell, I got $10.  If he made it successfully, I had to flash him and Mike.  We shook on it.  I lost.  I had to flash them.

By this time, I had a huge crush on Jordan.  We were becoming closer friends and I liked being close with him.  He was really cute, tall, played hockey, went hunting, dressed nice, he was a real guy’s guy, if you will.  I said, “Wait, I really have to flash both of you?  Can’t one of you just describe it to the other?”
“You don’t have to like, stand there with your shirt up, just for a few seconds,” said Mike.
“Yeah, but to both of you for a few seconds?”
“Why did you agree to the bet then?” Mike asked.
“Why does anybody agree to a bet?  I was confident I’d win and wouldn’t have to do this,” I nervously replied.
“It’s nice to know you have no faith in my jumping skills.  But, since I’m such a nice guy, I won’t make you flash us,” Jordan said.
“I’m not scared to or anything,” I lied, “I’m just a little shy I guess.”
“Just show us one!” Mike said.  

I conceded and I showed them only one boob, the right one to be exact. 

After Jordan graduated he went to college in town and got an apartment with two of his close friends.  Stephanie and I went over to the apartment to hang out with them sometimes, they always had beer.  One night, I made out with Jordan’s good friend while he made out with Stephanie.  I was a little hurt that he chose her to make out with, but I guess he could have said the same thing, right?

That was the last time I saw Jordan.  We kept in contact talking and texting, but his girlfriend-turned-fiancé somehow prevented us from hanging out.  So all we had were the times he was at the fire station (yep, he was a firefighter, how hot is that?) and able to talk to me.  We’d go a few weeks or a month without talking, and then catch up in one, long phone conversation lasting hours.

Maybe I’d forget about him sometimes during those few weeks, but every time my phone rang and his name popped up my heart started pounding.  Not necessarily because of the feelings I had for him, but I was so excited to have my friend back, even if it was only for a night.

My First Kiss

I think every little girl watches movies and imagines Prince Charming coming along and kissing her at the end, and then something magical happens: some sort of spell is broken.  So, even though I was 14-years-old and too old for fairy tales, I still expected some sort of magic when I got my first kiss.  I was wrong.

There were a few of us playing basketball one day after school.  The school year was almost over, and we were graduating from 8^th grade and moving on to high school.  There was the basketball court, and then a small playground next to it.  Since it was the end of Spring/beginning of Summer, we were all in shorts and t-shirts.  I sat down in the wood chips and Kevin sat down next to me and said, “Good game,” I replied, “Thanks, but my defense was kinda clumsy.”  That was my way of subtly apologizing for accidentally punching him in the stomach when I lunged forward to steal the ball from him.  He just laughed, and I knew he accepted my apology.

The other three were Josh, Grace, and Joey.  Josh was sitting at the top of the slide and Grace and Joey were nearby on the swings.  Someone suggested we play Truth or Dare.  Of course, everyone was too scared to pick a dare, so we went around telling truths, like who we had crushes on and things like that.  However, picking truth scared me more than anything they could make me to in a dare.  I mean, what would they possibly have me do?  Ring someone’s doorbell and run away?  I ran pretty fast, so I didn’t care.

Finally, Grace asked, “Emma, truth or dare?”
“Dare,” I replied.  All the boys gasped and Grace had a mischievous look on her face.
“Dare, huh?” she said, “Alright.  I dare you to make out with…Kevin.  For 10 seconds.”  Grace knew I had a crush on Kevin, even though I never actually told her.
“OK, fine,” I said, trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal.  I never expected my first kiss to be on a dare.  But, I chose it and now I had to live with it.

Kevin smiled at me and moved closer and I whispered, “I’ve never made out with anyone before.”
“I know,” he whispered back, “but it’s just me, you don’t have to be nervous.”
“But what if I’m bad at it?  I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“It’s like thumb wars, but with our tongues.  Just follow along with what I do.”

According to an 8^th grader, Kevin was experienced.  He had kissed a few girls at school, and there were rumors he touched some boobs, but I have no idea if that was ever true.  Even though we were really good friends and hung out all the time, I never thought to ask him because it wasn’t my business.

Kevin leaned in, I closed my eyes, and our lips touched.  Our mouths opened and he stuck his tongue in my mouth and I just followed whatever he did, like he said.  As soon as we started, everyone else began counting down from 10.  I didn’t think kissing was a big deal, but as I got the hang of it, it kept getting better.  At some point, everything around me became fuzzy.  The voices of the other kids counting was nonexistent, I had no sense of time, place, or anything.  I lost track of the countdown, and he must have too.

We kept kissing and finally I turned my focus back to our friends, they were all giggling and laughing.  I realized we must have gone longer than 10 seconds, and I abruptly ended the kiss by pulling away and starting to pick wood chips off my legs.  Joey said, “It looks like they’re in looooove!” and I still remember my cheeks getting hot and turning red, I was embarrassed and said, “Oh shut up, it was just a dare!” and Kevin smiled at me.  He must have known that had I picked truth, I would have been forced to say I had a crush on him. 

That was my first kiss, not super special, there were no "fireworks," but it was special enough to remember so vividly.  Sure, he wasn’t necessarily Prince Charming, I wasn’t under some spell that he broke, and years later we would encounter each other in a similar way…and it didn’t turn out well.  I haven’t talked to him in years, and even though we ended a friendship on not so good terms, I still remember him fondly and will never, ever forget my first kiss.