Fifty Shades...hmm

I've started reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  There might be some spoilers in this post, so if you are in the process of reading the first book in the series, or if you intend to read it soon, you should probably skip this blog post!

Anyway, I've really been just doing my own thing the past few years when it comes to books.  I didn't get into Harry Potter, in fact, my friend asked if I wanted to go with her to take her little cousin to the movie when it came out, and there was a lot of hype so I went.  I also fell asleep.  No offense, Harry, because I fell asleep in X-Men, too.  I didn't get into Twilight, the books or the movie.  I'm just not into the vampire scene, nor do I care to read about the woes of being in love with one (I think that's what it's about...right?).

I did, however, get into The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and the rest of the Millennium series.  I had tons of Facebook friends recommending it and I immediately bought the first two books (the third wasn't in paperback when I initially went).  I loved them.  So, when a majority of the same friends were talking up The Hunger Games and that series, I fell into the trap.  I bought all three books right away.  I loved them.  Honestly, I didn't think it'd be my cup of tea, and it really had me rethinking whether or not I should go out and buy Twilight, or at least borrow it from someone.  But, I have some stigma against Twilight for no good reason and I'm just not going to do it.  There's plenty other books out there!

So, imagine the trust I have in people when they are talking on Facebook about how great Fifty Shades of Grey is and they just can't put it down.  I looked it up, read the synopsis, and thought, "Yeah, I could potentially like this."  I bought it.  The first one only.  And I'm glad I didn't buy all three.

Let me be fair, I'm only 124 pages into it, so maybe it'll get better.  I don't necessarily like the way E L James writes, but I can look beyond that.  I knew going into this that there would be at on of sex, and I'm not too squeamish about that, but there are just little things that irk me.

Like, Christian Grey, one of the main characters.  Stop being coy and just tell Ana what you're into.  Instead, so far, he's been doing this stupid, "I'm not the right man for you," and "Stay away from me," kind of stuff.  What the hell?  Get over yourself, tell her what you like and what you want from her, and let her decide for herself if you're good for her or if she should run for the hills. 

I'll admit, sometimes he's pretty hot.  I like his self control and I love that he lets Ana know that he wants her, and she's only his, and blah blah blah.  But sometimes it's really creepy.  I didn't realize this lifestyle went outside the bedroom, so when he tells her that she needs to finish all the food on her plate I find that to be less sexy and more like something one of my parents would have said to me when I was six-years-old.

But, it takes all types and maybe that's sexy and hot for some people.  I'm told to not give up on the book yet, and that it gets better and there's some sort of cliff hanger ending that will make me want to buy the second book.  I'm really hoping that's true.  I've never started a book and not finished it, so even if it takes me a while, this book will get read.  I'm just hoping its in a timely manner because I have a ton of other books just waiting for me to read them on a day off!

Anyway, I'm sure people will hate me for having doubts about this book, just like everyone thought I was a wacko for not thinking the movie "Bridesmaids" was funny and worth all the hype.  "The Hangover" was definitely a million times funnier.  But, I digress!

:-)

Rude people suck!

I'll describe myself to you. I have dark brown curly hair, side swept bangs that I straighten, a fair complexion, freckles, and I'm about 5'4". I have blue eyes. I have a bigger than average chest. I usually wear heels to work, and they're usually at least 3".   I just like wearing heels. This is all a customer judged me on.

He came into the store, told me what he needed (I can't give any more details without giving away where I work), and I had to take down some basic information. So, here's how this scenario went:

Me: Hi! What brings you in today?
Customer: I need to _____________.
Me: OK! (grab the paperwork for this type of request) What's your name?
Customer: (gives name)
Me: Phone number?
Customer: (gives phone number)
Me: Great, and then I just need your e-mail. Customer: ___ ____ bike at _____ dot com.
Me: (writing out e-mail, spell "bike" correctly)
Customer: Wow, you spelled "bike" right.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You're smarter than I thought you were going to be.
Me: Well, I did graduate from college, so I'm glad my ability to spell a first grade word impresses you.

Seriously? I hardly said anything to him, I didn't stumble over my words, I didn't use "like," or "um," or anything like that. I don't understand why he thought I wasn't going to be intelligent when he walked in. I'm totally offended. I told this story to one of my friends, and he told me I'm too defensive and not to sweat the small stuff.

Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I am being too defensive about it. But still, it was rude. I would never tell a stranger their level of intelligence surprised me. I would never just assume someone is ignorant or stupid right away. Sure, I've found plenty of people to be ignorant and/or stupid, but they've generally given me a reason to think so. Maybe I am being too defensive. Maybe I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but when someone is rude to you, sometimes it just sticks with you. It's there for a while. Maybe I'll think of it again if he comes back, and then I'll be upset all over again. Who knows. I guess I don't know where I'm going with all this, and I just needed to vent a little about a jerk I encountered today. :)

Not enough time in the day...

Hey everyone!  I constantly say I'm going to post more, and sometime soon I'm going to actually do so.  I do have time to post, but sometimes I just don't know what to write about.  I'm going to try this new thing where I just write about what's actually on my mind other than trying to find a specific topic!

So, today, right now, I can't stop thinking about time.  I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want.  I have a lot to do, such as, work, job searching, writing my novel, working out, and random things I usually do throughout the day.  However, no one ever seems to understand that I'm actually busy!  Or, people seem to trivialize my to-do lists, so I really dislike telling people why I'm busy.  I'll outline exactly why each of these things are important to me and I think you'll understand why I'm so busy and can't go out for drinks/dinner/lunch/coffee/etc.

1. Job searching - More like career searching.  I actually pretty much enjoy my job, but let's be totally honest: I do NOT want to do this the rest of my life.  Hell, I don't even want to do this another year.  I'd love a real job, a career, full time, and then work part time at my retail job maybe 10-15 hours per week.  That's the dream.  However, it's so difficult to even get an interview for a career I'm interested in, considering I don't have any "experience."  I have not one, but two bachelor's degrees, and seven years of customer service experience.  Thrown in my work history is an internship and supervisory and manegerial experience.  This isn't enough.  I know that if I just get an interview I'll be able to "wow" them and get a damn career!  I'm motivated, and I'm applying to jobs like crazy.  I devote hours almost every day to this endeavor.  First, it takes me a while to find the jobs.  So, yesterday I had off of work.  I searched for a long time, until I found 25 jobs I feel I would be really good at.  Then I made a list of them and tomorrow I'll apply to almost all of them.  Also, tomorrow I'm doing follow-up calls for jobs I applied for last week.  So...this is time consuming and I don't know why people don't understand that.
2. Writing my novel - This is so important to me.  People constantly think I'm not actually working toward this or something.  People probably think I'm not totally serious about it, maybe that I'll never finish, or whatever.  Here's the truth: I'm going to finish this damn novel and I'm going to send it off to publishers and literary agents.  This is going to happen soon.  I'm not accepting failure.  If my novel gets rejected, I'm going to rewrite it and try again.  This is my dream, so if I set aside an hour or two for myself to write after work, then I'm going to go home and write for an hour or two.  Maybe I won't actually write, maybe I'll sit there and stare at the computer, maybe I'll do random searches for random things, maybe I'll make new playlists on iTunes, who knows.  But it's my writing time, and that's not negotiable.  I'm not hanging out with you if I plan on writing, and when I decline an invitation for drinks, I don't understand why you have to ask me, "Why not?"  Every time someone asks, I say, "I'm writing," and they say, "Do that another time!"  That's like telling me to call in sick for work to go out drinking.  I want to be a novelist, I want to be an author, I want to actually make a living with this, so it's kind of like a job.  A job I love.  So, yes, I'm staying home so I can write, because we can go out for drinks later, to celebrate, when I'm published! :)
3. Working out - I've gained 10lbs since I quit smoking (it's been a month, yay me!).  I have body image issues, I felt really good when I was 10lbs lighter, but still had to work out a lot to maintain that.  So, I'm busting my ass to get back down to that weight.  I really dont like going out when I feel crappy about myself, because it makes me feel crappier to see other people who look better and blah blah blah.  I won't skip a workout to hang out with someone.  I have to look out for me, right?

Maybe some of this is selfish, but I think I've come to a point in my life where I need to work on myself.  I'm getting annoyed with people telling me I've been anti-social.  I think working on yourself and being content and happy in your every day life is such an important thing, and I don't think it's right if I continue putting things off.  I need a change in my life, and I need it now.  I can't give myself the job of my dreams, but I can certainly continue to apply for as many jobs as I can find so I can hopefully land an interview.  I can make my dreams come true. 

Walt Disney said, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them," and I truly believe that.  Anyway, if these friends are actually good friends, then they'll still be around when I'm done with all my to-do lists, right?

Resolutions

I'll admit it...I'm one of those people who makes resolutions on January 1 every year and I rarely follow through.  I don't just quit after a week or a month, I never even start.  My New Year's resolutions would be lucky to be more than a mere thought!  However, my 2011 wasn't the best year of my life or anything.  Sure, I did some pretty cool things and spent a lot of time with my family, but I really think 2012 has potential to be spectacular.  The only way 2012 will actually be spectacular is if I will actually follow through.  I'm the creator of my own destiny, or whatever.  It's about time some good things start happening in my life, damn it!

So, here's a list of my resolutions.  I couldn't pick just one, that seemed even more daunting than even following through with just one!  I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to do and accomplish, so I figure it's best to just jump in and get it all done...that'll work, right?

• Get back into the diet and work out thing:  Yeah, my diet and work out routine was definitely plagued by the holidays.  I would constantly say, while holding a few cookies, "Yeah, but I was walking tons around the mall and now it's too late to even consider going for a run!"  Not to mention, I had all those stupid parties I had to go drink and eat at (no, they weren't really stupid, I just call them stupid so I trick myself into thinking that I would have worked out instead).  Anyway, 2012 means no more excuses for dieting and working out.  Although, on January 1 my healthy plans were really ruined by some friends (see next point).  I am, however, happy to report that I've been doing well the other three days of the year so far!

• Do more for myself:  You may think this is selfish, but you really don't know just how much I do for other people.  Sometimes it's really unnecessary, sometimes it's being a good friend, and it's just who I am.  However, by "do more for myself" I mean that it's OK to skip out on some friend activity if I'm going to be otherwise productive, and I can't let my friends guilt me into things.  EXAMPLE:
  January 1, 2012.  The new season of Mob Wives on VH1 was premiering at 7:00pm.  I decided to go for a run/lift weights while watching the show.  That's what I wanted to do, I had my mind on it, and I was excited for it.  I received a phone call around noon from a friend, who had a Groupon deal to a movie that would cover a bunch of our friends basically getting in for free (since he already paid for the Groupon).  I declined.  I got a guilt trip.  The Groupon accommodated up to eight people, and they wanted to get as close to the eight as possible so they didn't waste money.  I declined, I said there were other things I wanted to do.  He asked, "Like what?" as if I'm not busy.  "Well," I replied, "I want to work out and watch Mob Wives at 7, don't bother saying anything about the show because it's what I want to do.  Besides, I'm just about to go buy a new computer and so I'll need to set that up today, too."  He said, "Record Mob Wives and then leave your files transferring over to the new computer while you're at the movie."  Um, yeah, sounds great except for the simple fact that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO GO!  But it was proven to me that I don't have solid plans, and I was guilt tripped because they didn't want to waste their money.  I neglected to mention I had a Groupon for a movie once that no one ever wanted to go to, and I never (not once) begged anyone to come with me and the money went wasted and the tickets never used.  Situations like this are no longer going to happen.  I wish my friends didn't feel the need to talk me into stuff.  I'm 25 and getting peer-pressured into going to movies.  Sheesh.

• End contact with "toxic friends":  What's a "toxic friend" you may ask?  Well, I don't really know what everyone thinks about them, but the Emma definition is: People who were at one time great friends, but are now people who pretend to care but really don't.  People who only call when they need something.  People who only call because they're bored and no one else is available.  If any of my friends are reading this, and it even sounds remotely like you, you're either already a toxic friend or you're well on your way to being one.  Hey, this isn't anyone's fault, so let's not get all beat up over it.  It's simply one more annoying thing I can remove from my life.  I'm not being bitter or anything, but I'm no longer wasting time and emotions on people who find me dispensible.  I'm done reaching out to people who obviously don't care, so these people haven't heard from me so far in 2012, and they probably won't unless they contact me first.  Maybe that seems a little childish, but, I've already started falling out of touch with some of these people.  I don't hear from them, so they obviously no longer need me in their lives.  Like I said, that's fine, no one's at fault.  People simply grow apart!

• Quit smoking:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before.  Some people say, "I don't get it, why don't you just quit?"  Well, you don't get it because you're an idiot...and I feel at liberty to say that because I haven't had a cigarette in 40.5 hours (yes, it's that precise) and I'm crabby about it because I've fallen victim to the whole eat-when-you-want-a-cigarette thing, which doesn't help Resolution #1.  Also, I was an idiot to even start smoking.  Yes, I regret that day I started smoking.  I regret that some day I might get cancer that could have been prevented.  I regret that I let this habit and addiction go on for just over 10 years.  I regret liking smoking.  You heard me, I like smoking.  I like the way it feels, the way it tastes, I like watching the paper burn down the cigarette, I like the way it comforts me, etc.  I like it all.  That's why I haven't quit sooner.  However, now I have the perfect opportunity: it's super cold so I don't want to be outside (I never smoke indoors) and I think I'm starting to get a cold or something (either that, or I've smoked too many 2011 cigarettes).  I hope I can actually quit and never smoke a cigarette again!
• Finish my novel and get it published:  I just have to keep motivating myself.  After all, I'm the only one that can make this happen!
• Do something spectacular:  I don't even know what this means, but I'll know it when it happens!  Maybe I'll find a boyfriend and he'll be spectacular...hmm...
   
• Travel more:  I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going with, but I'll definitely get somewhere!  I recently had a dream I was in Hawaii, so maybe that's next on my list!
• Find a career:  I do enjoy my job.  I get extremely frustrated sometimes, but that's just how it is, I guess.  I can't wait to find a career, something I love, and something I'll stick with and be able to move up in.  Let's face it, they always tell you there's opportunity for advancement in retail, but that's just how they hook you.  In reality, there's only opportunity for advancement until someone quits or is fired, which isn't really happening and I don't think will be any time soon.  So, onward and upward!  Or something...
• This blog:  I promise to be more dedicated to it!

I know that may seem like a lot of things, but if I can even just get my book published, get back into the diet/exercise mode, and quit smoking, I'll consider it an extremely successful 2012!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and I hope you make the most of 2012!!!

Stressed

Well, isn't that helpful?

Today I'd like to just sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I don't really have many days like this but at this point I am stressed to my limit.

I'm tired of having a job outside my field, I'm tired of not getting interviews for jobs in my field, I'm tired of half ass friends and people who say stupid things.  I'm physically tired, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep because I wake up a million times every night and I'm tired of trying to figure out the next step in my life.  I'm tired of even thinking about what to do with my life and how to get a job I love but I can't stop thinking about it.  It seems to consume 90% of my day.  I'm tired of lazy people.  I'm frustrated at not having time to work out like I want to, because that's what really de-stresses me.

I miss my best friend, we haven't talked in over a year and I guess that's just what happens sometimes.  We've been best friends for 15 years, and now we don't talk because of some really stupid stuff.  And yes, I've tried.  I think this bridge is just burned and we aren't going to rebuild it.  I've spent a year without her, but sometimes I just need her goofy jokes to get me through the day.

Everyone keeps asking when I'll move to Italy, and I don't know.  I don't want to move there forever, but maybe I need a year or two in a different place to collect my thoughts and come home with new experiences again.  But no matter what I do, in the next year or two I want to advance my career and have a big girl job.  None of that is looking good so far.

So here I am, sitting outside drinking my post-workout protein shake and smoking a cigarette (yes, I'm the picture of health) and complaining about things via blog.  How pathetic is that?  The best part of my week is the two 30 minute sessions I spend with the personal trainer.  He's hot and I don't think about the rest of my life because he pushes me to my limits.  When I run on my own I think of all this stupid crap and never come up with any solutions.

Right, so this post is just annoying and stupid, but it's all I have right now.  I promise later in the week my next post will be back to normal!