Not enough time in the day...

Hey everyone!  I constantly say I'm going to post more, and sometime soon I'm going to actually do so.  I do have time to post, but sometimes I just don't know what to write about.  I'm going to try this new thing where I just write about what's actually on my mind other than trying to find a specific topic!

So, today, right now, I can't stop thinking about time.  I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want.  I have a lot to do, such as, work, job searching, writing my novel, working out, and random things I usually do throughout the day.  However, no one ever seems to understand that I'm actually busy!  Or, people seem to trivialize my to-do lists, so I really dislike telling people why I'm busy.  I'll outline exactly why each of these things are important to me and I think you'll understand why I'm so busy and can't go out for drinks/dinner/lunch/coffee/etc.

1. Job searching - More like career searching.  I actually pretty much enjoy my job, but let's be totally honest: I do NOT want to do this the rest of my life.  Hell, I don't even want to do this another year.  I'd love a real job, a career, full time, and then work part time at my retail job maybe 10-15 hours per week.  That's the dream.  However, it's so difficult to even get an interview for a career I'm interested in, considering I don't have any "experience."  I have not one, but two bachelor's degrees, and seven years of customer service experience.  Thrown in my work history is an internship and supervisory and manegerial experience.  This isn't enough.  I know that if I just get an interview I'll be able to "wow" them and get a damn career!  I'm motivated, and I'm applying to jobs like crazy.  I devote hours almost every day to this endeavor.  First, it takes me a while to find the jobs.  So, yesterday I had off of work.  I searched for a long time, until I found 25 jobs I feel I would be really good at.  Then I made a list of them and tomorrow I'll apply to almost all of them.  Also, tomorrow I'm doing follow-up calls for jobs I applied for last week.  So...this is time consuming and I don't know why people don't understand that.
2. Writing my novel - This is so important to me.  People constantly think I'm not actually working toward this or something.  People probably think I'm not totally serious about it, maybe that I'll never finish, or whatever.  Here's the truth: I'm going to finish this damn novel and I'm going to send it off to publishers and literary agents.  This is going to happen soon.  I'm not accepting failure.  If my novel gets rejected, I'm going to rewrite it and try again.  This is my dream, so if I set aside an hour or two for myself to write after work, then I'm going to go home and write for an hour or two.  Maybe I won't actually write, maybe I'll sit there and stare at the computer, maybe I'll do random searches for random things, maybe I'll make new playlists on iTunes, who knows.  But it's my writing time, and that's not negotiable.  I'm not hanging out with you if I plan on writing, and when I decline an invitation for drinks, I don't understand why you have to ask me, "Why not?"  Every time someone asks, I say, "I'm writing," and they say, "Do that another time!"  That's like telling me to call in sick for work to go out drinking.  I want to be a novelist, I want to be an author, I want to actually make a living with this, so it's kind of like a job.  A job I love.  So, yes, I'm staying home so I can write, because we can go out for drinks later, to celebrate, when I'm published! :)
3. Working out - I've gained 10lbs since I quit smoking (it's been a month, yay me!).  I have body image issues, I felt really good when I was 10lbs lighter, but still had to work out a lot to maintain that.  So, I'm busting my ass to get back down to that weight.  I really dont like going out when I feel crappy about myself, because it makes me feel crappier to see other people who look better and blah blah blah.  I won't skip a workout to hang out with someone.  I have to look out for me, right?

Maybe some of this is selfish, but I think I've come to a point in my life where I need to work on myself.  I'm getting annoyed with people telling me I've been anti-social.  I think working on yourself and being content and happy in your every day life is such an important thing, and I don't think it's right if I continue putting things off.  I need a change in my life, and I need it now.  I can't give myself the job of my dreams, but I can certainly continue to apply for as many jobs as I can find so I can hopefully land an interview.  I can make my dreams come true. 

Walt Disney said, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them," and I truly believe that.  Anyway, if these friends are actually good friends, then they'll still be around when I'm done with all my to-do lists, right?

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Resolutions

I'll admit it...I'm one of those people who makes resolutions on January 1 every year and I rarely follow through.  I don't just quit after a week or a month, I never even start.  My New Year's resolutions would be lucky to be more than a mere thought!  However, my 2011 wasn't the best year of my life or anything.  Sure, I did some pretty cool things and spent a lot of time with my family, but I really think 2012 has potential to be spectacular.  The only way 2012 will actually be spectacular is if I will actually follow through.  I'm the creator of my own destiny, or whatever.  It's about time some good things start happening in my life, damn it!

So, here's a list of my resolutions.  I couldn't pick just one, that seemed even more daunting than even following through with just one!  I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to do and accomplish, so I figure it's best to just jump in and get it all done...that'll work, right?

• Get back into the diet and work out thing:  Yeah, my diet and work out routine was definitely plagued by the holidays.  I would constantly say, while holding a few cookies, "Yeah, but I was walking tons around the mall and now it's too late to even consider going for a run!"  Not to mention, I had all those stupid parties I had to go drink and eat at (no, they weren't really stupid, I just call them stupid so I trick myself into thinking that I would have worked out instead).  Anyway, 2012 means no more excuses for dieting and working out.  Although, on January 1 my healthy plans were really ruined by some friends (see next point).  I am, however, happy to report that I've been doing well the other three days of the year so far!

• Do more for myself:  You may think this is selfish, but you really don't know just how much I do for other people.  Sometimes it's really unnecessary, sometimes it's being a good friend, and it's just who I am.  However, by "do more for myself" I mean that it's OK to skip out on some friend activity if I'm going to be otherwise productive, and I can't let my friends guilt me into things.  EXAMPLE:
  January 1, 2012.  The new season of Mob Wives on VH1 was premiering at 7:00pm.  I decided to go for a run/lift weights while watching the show.  That's what I wanted to do, I had my mind on it, and I was excited for it.  I received a phone call around noon from a friend, who had a Groupon deal to a movie that would cover a bunch of our friends basically getting in for free (since he already paid for the Groupon).  I declined.  I got a guilt trip.  The Groupon accommodated up to eight people, and they wanted to get as close to the eight as possible so they didn't waste money.  I declined, I said there were other things I wanted to do.  He asked, "Like what?" as if I'm not busy.  "Well," I replied, "I want to work out and watch Mob Wives at 7, don't bother saying anything about the show because it's what I want to do.  Besides, I'm just about to go buy a new computer and so I'll need to set that up today, too."  He said, "Record Mob Wives and then leave your files transferring over to the new computer while you're at the movie."  Um, yeah, sounds great except for the simple fact that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO GO!  But it was proven to me that I don't have solid plans, and I was guilt tripped because they didn't want to waste their money.  I neglected to mention I had a Groupon for a movie once that no one ever wanted to go to, and I never (not once) begged anyone to come with me and the money went wasted and the tickets never used.  Situations like this are no longer going to happen.  I wish my friends didn't feel the need to talk me into stuff.  I'm 25 and getting peer-pressured into going to movies.  Sheesh.

• End contact with "toxic friends":  What's a "toxic friend" you may ask?  Well, I don't really know what everyone thinks about them, but the Emma definition is: People who were at one time great friends, but are now people who pretend to care but really don't.  People who only call when they need something.  People who only call because they're bored and no one else is available.  If any of my friends are reading this, and it even sounds remotely like you, you're either already a toxic friend or you're well on your way to being one.  Hey, this isn't anyone's fault, so let's not get all beat up over it.  It's simply one more annoying thing I can remove from my life.  I'm not being bitter or anything, but I'm no longer wasting time and emotions on people who find me dispensible.  I'm done reaching out to people who obviously don't care, so these people haven't heard from me so far in 2012, and they probably won't unless they contact me first.  Maybe that seems a little childish, but, I've already started falling out of touch with some of these people.  I don't hear from them, so they obviously no longer need me in their lives.  Like I said, that's fine, no one's at fault.  People simply grow apart!

• Quit smoking:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before.  Some people say, "I don't get it, why don't you just quit?"  Well, you don't get it because you're an idiot...and I feel at liberty to say that because I haven't had a cigarette in 40.5 hours (yes, it's that precise) and I'm crabby about it because I've fallen victim to the whole eat-when-you-want-a-cigarette thing, which doesn't help Resolution #1.  Also, I was an idiot to even start smoking.  Yes, I regret that day I started smoking.  I regret that some day I might get cancer that could have been prevented.  I regret that I let this habit and addiction go on for just over 10 years.  I regret liking smoking.  You heard me, I like smoking.  I like the way it feels, the way it tastes, I like watching the paper burn down the cigarette, I like the way it comforts me, etc.  I like it all.  That's why I haven't quit sooner.  However, now I have the perfect opportunity: it's super cold so I don't want to be outside (I never smoke indoors) and I think I'm starting to get a cold or something (either that, or I've smoked too many 2011 cigarettes).  I hope I can actually quit and never smoke a cigarette again!
• Finish my novel and get it published:  I just have to keep motivating myself.  After all, I'm the only one that can make this happen!
• Do something spectacular:  I don't even know what this means, but I'll know it when it happens!  Maybe I'll find a boyfriend and he'll be spectacular...hmm...
   
• Travel more:  I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going with, but I'll definitely get somewhere!  I recently had a dream I was in Hawaii, so maybe that's next on my list!
• Find a career:  I do enjoy my job.  I get extremely frustrated sometimes, but that's just how it is, I guess.  I can't wait to find a career, something I love, and something I'll stick with and be able to move up in.  Let's face it, they always tell you there's opportunity for advancement in retail, but that's just how they hook you.  In reality, there's only opportunity for advancement until someone quits or is fired, which isn't really happening and I don't think will be any time soon.  So, onward and upward!  Or something...
• This blog:  I promise to be more dedicated to it!

I know that may seem like a lot of things, but if I can even just get my book published, get back into the diet/exercise mode, and quit smoking, I'll consider it an extremely successful 2012!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and I hope you make the most of 2012!!!

Extreme workout week begins!

Enough reminiscing for now and back to present day...

When you think of a personal trainer you probably think of the hit TV show The Biggest Loser, where Bob and Jillian make people do what sometimes appears to be frightening things all in the name of weight loss.  That's not how my personal trainer is, even though sometimes one more set of squats with a 25lb weight, or anything for that matter, can be pretty terrifying.

Here's the situation: I joined a new gym and was referred to this trainer by a friend.  I walked into the gym and said I had an appointment with (insert male name here).  The man behind the counter scanned my card and said, "Oh!  You must be Emma!  I'm (name)!"  Oh. Hell. No.  I can't train with someone that looks this good!

It's very difficult to stand there and look at those muscles while struggling to lift a weight over my head for the 15th time, but I guess he expects me to be weak, right?  I'm working on restoring myself to my former glory, back when I still did ballet and was on dance teams, so I suppose it's not a bad thing that I have someone nice to look at while I try as hard as I can not to give up.

This week is extreme workout week.  I'm going to go running daily, because I really have no excuse not to.  Running helps me clear my mind, and I've got a lot of clearing to do since an ex recently sent me a text that has made it impossible for me to stop thinking about him (of course, I'd never tell him that).  That whole story will be coming in the next week or so, and maybe I'll finally get some clarity by writing it all out!