Yep, here we are again feeling sorry for ourselves. I hate it. I feel so unbelievably pathetic when I feel so sorry for myself that I can't muster up actual feelings of joy for a big moment in a friend's life. I've spent the entire weekend in this mode of self-pity, and doing a lot of drinking. In fact, I returned home from a very fun engagement party only to open another bottle of wine and be so bored that I drunkenly played Wii table tennis for over an hour. Pathetic? Yes. What's even more pathetic (and a little humorous) is the fact that I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a sore arm. Seriously? I lift weights, how is swinging around a Wii remote even comparable???
Anyway, it's not the engagement party that got to me, it was so much fun and I'm so happy for the couple and I'm excited to see their beautiful wedding...they put together an awesome intimate party, I can't even imagine the wonderfulness of their wedding! What got to me is the same thing I've posted about before: jobs. I like my job, but sometimes I get really frustrated with things. I had a very welcome weekend off, in which I relaxed and intended on writing more of my novel (but only pushed out a couple hundred more words).
It's that catch-22 so many people complain about. I have a degree, but no experience in any of the fields I'm looking to work in, which include, but are not limited to: Marketing, Communications, Event Planning, Corporate Travel Coordinating, etc. How do I get experience when no one will hire me? Do people even read my compelling cover letter and resume? Did I waste my time in college? Do I go to grad school and risk being overqualified for an entry-level position? Where the hell are all these entry-level positions? Oh, that's right, they're for internships, which I may be willing to bite the bullet and do unpaid if it would lead to a promising future with a company. But most internships are for those still in college. I wish I lived back in the days before you applied online. When a Human Resources manager, or whomever, had to sit and physically look at all the applicants rather than having some filtering system done for them via computer or other technology. But, the situation probably won't be changing soon, so I digress.
So I spent the weekend hating my financial situation and how little I get paid considering I'm a college graduate and hating the work situation. Then, this morning, I wake up thinking, "Ok, Emma, it's a brand new day and only the second day of the week, you have another day off and you're going to be extremely productive and happy." I wandered around the house and wrote a little, then I started getting ready to go to the gym, when my phone rang. I needed to go to work for a little bit because someone was having an emergency and couldn't get there on time. Fine.
I go to work, I'm not there long, but it definitely hindered my productivity plans for the morning. It was alright because that could all be made up for with my wicked time management skills. I will admit, even though everything was fine here, I'm a planner and I get frustrated if I make a to-do list and everything doesn't get done. I had a little freak out while driving to work trying to sort out everything in my mind and how to get it all done. Just as I sorted it all out, then came the other blow.
I arrived at work and got everything ready for the day. I received a text message from one of my closest guy friends saying, "I'm getting engaged today." I replied, "Are you joking?" because it really is something he'd joke about. These guys sometimes enjoy playing such pranks on me via text messages because I'm rather gullible with them and if I can't see your face or at least hear your voice, I can't usually tell if you're joking or lying. He said he wasn't joking. My heart sank into my stomach.
I suppose it makes no difference, they've been together a few years and the situation probably won't change much from what it is now...and by that I mean I rarely see him, but we still talk pretty often. Our schedules constantly conflict. I don't even know this girl. Years have gone by and I swear to you, dear readers, that I've only met her three times, five at the most. For the first year or so most of the things I've heard about her, from him, were complaints. Therefore, I, and most of our other friends, never thought it would last this long or get this serious.
We can also rewind this whole scenario about a decade and state the fact that I dated this friend for a few weeks in high school and we broke up deciding we were better off as friends, which I'd love to say proved to be true because we became very good friends after the awkwardness went away. Somehow, I always retained these feelings like I wish I would have hung on in the relationship a little longer, just to see what might have come of it. Can two people really be so similar and not be meant to date? At this point in my life, I couldn't imagine even kissing him and getting fluttery feelings, so it's not that kind of jealousy.
I'm happy he's happy, and I'm happy he's found someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I'd never, ever express anything else to him. I don't know her, so I just hope she's the right fit for him, and I trust his judgment on the matter. After all, no one knows him better than himself, right?
So, once again, it's time to move on with my life. People can say all they want that I'll have my time or I'll meet a guy that will sweep me off my feet some day, but I'm really losing faith in all the Prince Charmings out there because none have come my way in a long, long time. I only end up with frogs that remain frogs, and I'm not willing to settle so I think I probably have a lot of waiting ahead of me.
