Valentine's Day

For once, I didn't let my big imagination let me get extremely disappointed!

As I'm sure all of you know, yesterday was Valentine's Day.  Since I'm not currently dating anyone, I expected to have a terrible day.  However, as it got closer and closer to the day, I realized, there's absolutely no reason to have a terrible day on Valentine's Day!  In the past, it would have totally bothered me being alone.  I found it a little disgusting when I worked at a bridal store and bunches of flowers and chocolates would be delivered to girls at work.  Um, hello, some of you live with your Valentine, is that really necessary?  No, it's not, unless you just want to have some competition to see who gets the biggest bouquet, as if that means your boyfriend/fiance/husband loves you more or less than your friend with the bigger or smaller bouquet.  I just don't need all that.

Anyway, every year when I was working in a big store like that, I'd watch girls get these bouquets and cards and chocolates and whatever.  One of the years I had a boyfriend, but we broke up just over a week before Valentine's Day.  So, of course, I had this whole idea in my head that he was going to send me flowers at work and ask me to take him back.  I'd tell him it was a kind gesture, and then maybe we could go on a date after work or something, and then we wouldn't date again and I'd say, "We broke up for a reason!"  None of that ever happened.  But, every single year I'd let my imagination get the best of me and I'd think of some guy that I went out with once or twice that might have flowers sent to my work.  To this day, only one boyfriend has ever actually given me flowers at work.  He delivered the flowers himself, when he picked me up from work to take me on a date.  That was our 4th or 5th date.  We were 19.  I never received flowers at work again.

So, yes, when I was working in that type of environment I'd feel bad.  However, now I'm working in a smaller store, and today it was just me and one other girl.  I'm not going to lie, I had a pretty bomb ass day.  I got sooo much stuff done it was kind of ridiculous.  I was feeling really great about how productive we were, and the stuff we accomplished today was not only good for business today, but good for business in the future.  Sure, I've said in the past that I enjoy this job but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but while I apply for careers I'm going to stay at this job and do the best I can and try to excel at it.  Anyway, it was a good day at work.

All day it was just another day to me.  There was absolutely no feeling bad about being single and there was no jealousy over someone else getting flowers.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a total romantic (even though sometimes I try to deny it and claim, "I'm not some cheesy girl," I really am).  I thought of 5-10 guys that might possibly be interested in sending me flowers at work today.  Of course, none of them did.  It's not a huge deal.  For once, I didn't allow myself to get disappointed from my imagination.  If any of those guys had gotten me flowers it would have been weird anyway, especially since I don't really want to date any of them!

I had this great day yesterday, and Monday was really great.  I have a feeling the week is going to continue this way, and there's just something inside me that is excited.  I have no idea what I'm excited for, and I don't really have anything specific to be excited about...I'm just excited!  Maybe it's because I'm not so stressed out, which is probably because I've been spending a lot of time alone, working out, writing, reading, or sometimes just watching a movie with some wine.  I'm so much more relaxed not dealing with everyone's problems all the time, which in turn creates more problems for me.  I'm almost to a point in my life where I'm ready to go out and start meeting guys again.  A few months ago, any guy I would have met or considered dating would have probably been totally horrible for me, but now I think I can choose someone better.  I think I can choose a guy that's not going to annoy me or break my heart (but I'm attempting to knock on wood as I type this).

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, and I constantly say I'm going to post more, then I bail again.  The fact is, I have plenty of time to write and post blogs, I just thought I ran out of interesting topics since my search for a guy ended for a while.  But, I think now I'm going to just write about whatever I want and feel like writing in the meantime.  After all, this blog is about my whole life!

Oh, and Monday was my one month anniversary for being smoke-free.  I've been nicotine and cigarette free for a whole month!  I'm so proud of myself...and also craving a cigarette...but I've started to get disgusted by the smell of cigarettes so I don't actually want one bad enough to give into my cravings.  Yay me!

Uhhh...what about ME?

So, here's the deal:  I'm getting really, really fed up with people.  So much for the part of my New Year's Resolutions where I claim I'm going to do more for myself!  I've come to discover it's pretty difficult to do more for yourself when no one thinks of you.

That's right, I said it...no one thinks of me.  And I'm not just talking about guys don't think about dating me, or whatever.  I mean that everyone this week has been a giant disappointment.  No one thinks of what may or may not be convenient for me.  No one thinks about what I have to do today, tomorrow, or next week.  I don't want to go into a ton of detail because I need to just put it all behind me and move on, but here are the basics:

Part of my family has changed plans and can no longer take care of something for the original time they offered to do so.  I understand that they're doing a favor, and when it turns out they aren't able to do the favor as intended, the responsibility has to fall on me.  I just wish it didn't turn out that way.  I ended up figuring everything out and the whole situation is going to be totally fine, but I'm really, really bad at last minute things.  I don't do last minute very well and I get extremely stressed out with these situations.

So, I thought I was de-stressed about that, until I got to work.  I arrive at work to find out another manager has scheduled me to work at a different location this weekend.  Nothing like a little short notice.  If they'd have asked me they'd know I can't work anywhere else on Saturday because my manager is on vacation and we're short-staffed.  Sunday was my only scheduled day off next week, so now I have to change that schedule around because someone else was irresponsible.

Do people think I don't have a life?  What is it that makes it seem like I have nothing better to do than change around my schedule, my life, to meet everyone else's needs and shortcomings?  I'm so sick of being punished for everyone else's lack of consideration.

You may be wondering why I don't just say "no" when some of this happens.  Well, when I don't say "no" it's usually because I know it will be inconvenient or negatively affect someone else, so I actually consider other people.

It feels extremely shitty to know no one thinks of you.  Ugh.

No nicotine and plenty of hormones...

This may look like nothing to you, but it is actually making my mouth water!  I want.

Before I decided to quit smoking I made sure to mentally prepare myself by looking up the withdrawl symptoms.  I know what you're thinking, they're just cigarettes, people don't get withdrawl symptoms!  I thought the same.  I'm here to tell you it can happen.  I know everyone is built differently, so maybe my symptoms aren't as bad as someone else's (they're pretty manageable), and maybe someone else won't get any symptoms at all, but the list of possible things that could happen because you quit smoking is almost as daunting as what could happen because you started smoking.  Well, not really.  But it's a long list.

First, I've read that it takes 8-12 weeks for a person to become comfortable of their new lifestyle sans cigarettes.  Excuuuuuse me?  That's a long ass time.  Today it has been officially one week, and, mind you, the longest week of my entire life.  Also, the first two weeks are the most important in quitting.  If someone is going to fail at quitting smoking, it's likely they'll fail within the first two weeks.  So, I'm halfway there.  However, last night's rant about dating/love/relationships/Grey's Anatomy was almost a breaking point (I'll get there).

So here are the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms, and the highlighted ones are what I experience the most...

• Tingling in the hands and feet (none for me!)
• Cravings to smoke (always)
• Fatigue (I wouldn't say so, I think I'm just tired from regular things)
• Insomnia (I frequently stay up until 2 or 3am anyway...wait until Grey's Anatomy rant for explanation)
• Inability to concentrate (no)
• Dry mouth (yes)
• Gas/stomach pain (no)
• Sore throat, cough and cold-like symptoms (this just began yesterday, but it might be a real cold)
• Postnasal drip (no)
• Tightness in the chest (sometimes)
• Vagueness (I think this in itself is vague...)
• Irritability (absolutely)
• Mental confusion (no)
• Anxiety (no)
• Depression (no)
• Increased appetite & weight gain (yes...and it makes me sad)

Alright, so now that we know I'm completely irritable almost all the time, and I get irritated extremely easily with any little thing (the other day I came home to realize I left a folder on my desk in the morning instead of putting it away, I then scolded myself for leaving a mess), we can continue on to the recent incident.

Yikes...

If you haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and intend on it, or you're not in-the-know about what has happened seasons 1-4, stop reading.  SPOILER ALERT!

I usually stay up pretty late.  I have no regular sleeping habit.  I used to go to bed early, then college came along and I was consistently up until 2-4am.  Fairly recently, I got in a habit of going to bed before midnight every night, and then I would wake up nice and early and get plenty done during the day.  Well, not anymore!  Now I go to bed any time from 11pm-3am and it's pretty annoying.  So, what do I do that whole time?  I read or watch movies.  Grey's Anatomy has been a show I've liked from the beginning, and I still keep up with it.  Typically, when I'm up late, I start watching a TV series if it's on Netflix, and I continue until I'm done with the series or caught up to the current episode.  I started Grey's Anatomy from season one almost two months ago and now I'm on season four.

Sometimes Meredith Grey can be really annoying.  I'll hand it to her, I certainly don't have problems like she does with the overbearing mother and abandonment issues from her father and blah blah blah.  Right, I don't blame the girl for not trusting Derek, aka McDreamy.  But he's hot, and he loves her, and even someone with the biggest trust issues in the entire world could probably see that he actually loves her and isn't just being a jerk.  And I don't think Meredith needs to constantly tell herself she's "dark and twisty," because we don't encourage people to tell themselves they're fat.  It's just not good for you to think that way all the time.  Well, then Derek goes and kisses Rose.  Rose is cute.  She's nice, funny, and seems like she really deserves a great guy like Derek.  But Derek can't get over Meredith.  Now, we're supposed to feel oh so bad for Meredith Grey who can't trust a dude who kissed some chick when THEY WEREN'T TOGETHER in the first place because of her own insecurities and issues.  Give me a break!  PS - Meredith's sister, Lexi, just came into the show this season.

I know, it's just a TV show.  I promise I only think about it while watching the show, once while extremely hormonal in the car, and while writing this blog.  : )

Anyway, I'm driving home from work.  It's about to be that time of the month (if you're a guy and you're reading this and you cringed a little, get over it and grow up.  Girls get periods.  Get over it) and I was a little frustrated with work happenings, not anything that was a big deal though.  I was trying to talk myself out of buying cigarettes on my way home and then I started actually talking to myself.  Talking out loud.  Alone.  In my car.  Like a total weirdo.

"I just don't get it!  I want a cigarette so bad, I don't need one, so why can't I convince myself I don't want one?  Now I can't ever date a smoker because then I'll just fall right back into the habit.  That narrows down the whole dating pool now, doesn't it?  Well, it might actually open up the dating pool because a guy might be more inclined to talk to me knowing I don't smoke.  Or something.  Let's face it, Emma, you're not going to be meeting a guy any time soon.  Mainly because you're afraid to go out of the house for any reason other than working or the gym because you don't trust yourself not to buy cigarettes!  Emma!  You idiot!  You don't even trust yourself!

What's wrong with me?  I don't trust myself?  Obviously, they say shit like 'if you don't like yourself, you can't expect someone else to like you,' and I'm sure it's the exact same way with trust.  F**k.  This is just f***ing great.  I hate this song.  I hate Meredith Grey.  Seriously, what a b****!  Derek loves her, and she won't just love him back and be a normal human being.  Then she's going to be all sulky and sad because he's with Rose, when she had about a million chances to be with the perfect guy while there are some girls out there, like me, that doesn't have even one chance with a great guy!  NOT EVEN ONE!  F**k Meredith Grey!"

I then drove in silence for about two minutes, and then I replayed my entire conversation with myself inside my head and started laughing.  It was pretty hilarious how absurd I was.  But, I guess it makes for a good story for very close friends and strangers, right?

Well, I'm off to work out because I keep eating.  On the bright side, breathing during workouts is getting much easier, and working out is the only thing that makes me hate cigarettes!

Resolutions

I'll admit it...I'm one of those people who makes resolutions on January 1 every year and I rarely follow through.  I don't just quit after a week or a month, I never even start.  My New Year's resolutions would be lucky to be more than a mere thought!  However, my 2011 wasn't the best year of my life or anything.  Sure, I did some pretty cool things and spent a lot of time with my family, but I really think 2012 has potential to be spectacular.  The only way 2012 will actually be spectacular is if I will actually follow through.  I'm the creator of my own destiny, or whatever.  It's about time some good things start happening in my life, damn it!

So, here's a list of my resolutions.  I couldn't pick just one, that seemed even more daunting than even following through with just one!  I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to do and accomplish, so I figure it's best to just jump in and get it all done...that'll work, right?

• Get back into the diet and work out thing:  Yeah, my diet and work out routine was definitely plagued by the holidays.  I would constantly say, while holding a few cookies, "Yeah, but I was walking tons around the mall and now it's too late to even consider going for a run!"  Not to mention, I had all those stupid parties I had to go drink and eat at (no, they weren't really stupid, I just call them stupid so I trick myself into thinking that I would have worked out instead).  Anyway, 2012 means no more excuses for dieting and working out.  Although, on January 1 my healthy plans were really ruined by some friends (see next point).  I am, however, happy to report that I've been doing well the other three days of the year so far!

• Do more for myself:  You may think this is selfish, but you really don't know just how much I do for other people.  Sometimes it's really unnecessary, sometimes it's being a good friend, and it's just who I am.  However, by "do more for myself" I mean that it's OK to skip out on some friend activity if I'm going to be otherwise productive, and I can't let my friends guilt me into things.  EXAMPLE:
  January 1, 2012.  The new season of Mob Wives on VH1 was premiering at 7:00pm.  I decided to go for a run/lift weights while watching the show.  That's what I wanted to do, I had my mind on it, and I was excited for it.  I received a phone call around noon from a friend, who had a Groupon deal to a movie that would cover a bunch of our friends basically getting in for free (since he already paid for the Groupon).  I declined.  I got a guilt trip.  The Groupon accommodated up to eight people, and they wanted to get as close to the eight as possible so they didn't waste money.  I declined, I said there were other things I wanted to do.  He asked, "Like what?" as if I'm not busy.  "Well," I replied, "I want to work out and watch Mob Wives at 7, don't bother saying anything about the show because it's what I want to do.  Besides, I'm just about to go buy a new computer and so I'll need to set that up today, too."  He said, "Record Mob Wives and then leave your files transferring over to the new computer while you're at the movie."  Um, yeah, sounds great except for the simple fact that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO GO!  But it was proven to me that I don't have solid plans, and I was guilt tripped because they didn't want to waste their money.  I neglected to mention I had a Groupon for a movie once that no one ever wanted to go to, and I never (not once) begged anyone to come with me and the money went wasted and the tickets never used.  Situations like this are no longer going to happen.  I wish my friends didn't feel the need to talk me into stuff.  I'm 25 and getting peer-pressured into going to movies.  Sheesh.

• End contact with "toxic friends":  What's a "toxic friend" you may ask?  Well, I don't really know what everyone thinks about them, but the Emma definition is: People who were at one time great friends, but are now people who pretend to care but really don't.  People who only call when they need something.  People who only call because they're bored and no one else is available.  If any of my friends are reading this, and it even sounds remotely like you, you're either already a toxic friend or you're well on your way to being one.  Hey, this isn't anyone's fault, so let's not get all beat up over it.  It's simply one more annoying thing I can remove from my life.  I'm not being bitter or anything, but I'm no longer wasting time and emotions on people who find me dispensible.  I'm done reaching out to people who obviously don't care, so these people haven't heard from me so far in 2012, and they probably won't unless they contact me first.  Maybe that seems a little childish, but, I've already started falling out of touch with some of these people.  I don't hear from them, so they obviously no longer need me in their lives.  Like I said, that's fine, no one's at fault.  People simply grow apart!

• Quit smoking:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before.  Some people say, "I don't get it, why don't you just quit?"  Well, you don't get it because you're an idiot...and I feel at liberty to say that because I haven't had a cigarette in 40.5 hours (yes, it's that precise) and I'm crabby about it because I've fallen victim to the whole eat-when-you-want-a-cigarette thing, which doesn't help Resolution #1.  Also, I was an idiot to even start smoking.  Yes, I regret that day I started smoking.  I regret that some day I might get cancer that could have been prevented.  I regret that I let this habit and addiction go on for just over 10 years.  I regret liking smoking.  You heard me, I like smoking.  I like the way it feels, the way it tastes, I like watching the paper burn down the cigarette, I like the way it comforts me, etc.  I like it all.  That's why I haven't quit sooner.  However, now I have the perfect opportunity: it's super cold so I don't want to be outside (I never smoke indoors) and I think I'm starting to get a cold or something (either that, or I've smoked too many 2011 cigarettes).  I hope I can actually quit and never smoke a cigarette again!
• Finish my novel and get it published:  I just have to keep motivating myself.  After all, I'm the only one that can make this happen!
• Do something spectacular:  I don't even know what this means, but I'll know it when it happens!  Maybe I'll find a boyfriend and he'll be spectacular...hmm...
   
• Travel more:  I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going with, but I'll definitely get somewhere!  I recently had a dream I was in Hawaii, so maybe that's next on my list!
• Find a career:  I do enjoy my job.  I get extremely frustrated sometimes, but that's just how it is, I guess.  I can't wait to find a career, something I love, and something I'll stick with and be able to move up in.  Let's face it, they always tell you there's opportunity for advancement in retail, but that's just how they hook you.  In reality, there's only opportunity for advancement until someone quits or is fired, which isn't really happening and I don't think will be any time soon.  So, onward and upward!  Or something...
• This blog:  I promise to be more dedicated to it!

I know that may seem like a lot of things, but if I can even just get my book published, get back into the diet/exercise mode, and quit smoking, I'll consider it an extremely successful 2012!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and I hope you make the most of 2012!!!

Welcome to the pity party...

Yep, here we are again feeling sorry for ourselves.  I hate it.  I feel so unbelievably pathetic when I feel so sorry for myself that I can't muster up actual feelings of joy for a big moment in a friend's life.  I've spent the entire weekend in this mode of self-pity, and doing a lot of drinking.  In fact, I returned home from a very fun engagement party only to open another bottle of wine and be so bored that I drunkenly played Wii table tennis for over an hour.  Pathetic?  Yes.  What's even more pathetic (and a little humorous) is the fact that I woke up the next morning with a hangover and a sore arm.  Seriously?  I lift weights, how is swinging around a Wii remote even comparable???

Anyway, it's not the engagement party that got to me, it was so much fun and I'm so happy for the couple and I'm excited to see their beautiful wedding...they put together an awesome intimate party, I can't even imagine the wonderfulness of their wedding!  What got to me is the same thing I've posted about before: jobs.  I like my job, but sometimes I get really frustrated with things.  I had a very welcome weekend off, in which I relaxed and intended on writing more of my novel (but only pushed out a couple hundred more words). 

It's that catch-22 so many people complain about.  I have a degree, but no experience in any of the fields I'm looking to work in, which include, but are not limited to: Marketing, Communications, Event Planning, Corporate Travel Coordinating, etc.  How do I get experience when no one will hire me?  Do people even read my compelling cover letter and resume?  Did I waste my time in college?  Do I go to grad school and risk being overqualified for an entry-level position?  Where the hell are all these entry-level positions?  Oh, that's right, they're for internships, which I may be willing to bite the bullet and do unpaid if it would lead to a promising future with a company.  But most internships are for those still in college.  I wish I lived back in the days before you applied online.  When a Human Resources manager, or whomever, had to sit and physically look at all the applicants rather than having some filtering system done for them via computer or other technology.  But, the situation probably won't be changing soon, so I digress.

So I spent the weekend hating my financial situation and how little I get paid considering I'm a college graduate and hating the work situation.  Then, this morning, I wake up thinking, "Ok, Emma, it's a brand new day and only the second day of the week, you have another day off and you're going to be extremely productive and happy."  I wandered around the house and wrote a little, then I started getting ready to go to the gym, when my phone rang.  I needed to go to work for a little bit because someone was having an emergency and couldn't get there on time.  Fine.

I go to work, I'm not there long, but it definitely hindered my productivity plans for the morning.  It was alright because that could all be made up for with my wicked time management skills.  I will admit, even though everything was fine here, I'm a planner and I get frustrated if I make a to-do list and everything doesn't get done.  I had a little freak out while driving to work trying to sort out everything in my mind and how to get it all done.  Just as I sorted it all out, then came the other blow.

I arrived at work and got everything ready for the day.  I received a text message from one of my closest guy friends saying, "I'm getting engaged today."  I replied, "Are you joking?" because it really is something he'd joke about.  These guys sometimes enjoy playing such pranks on me via text messages because I'm rather gullible with them and if I can't see your face or at least hear your voice, I can't usually tell if you're joking or lying.  He said he wasn't joking.  My heart sank into my stomach.

I suppose it makes no difference, they've been together a few years and the situation probably won't change much from what it is now...and by that I mean I rarely see him, but we still talk pretty often.  Our schedules constantly conflict.  I don't even know this girl.  Years have gone by and I swear to you, dear readers, that I've only met her three times, five at the most.  For the first year or so most of the things I've heard about her, from him, were complaints.  Therefore, I, and most of our other friends, never thought it would last this long or get this serious.

We can also rewind this whole scenario about a decade and state the fact that I dated this friend for a few weeks in high school and we broke up deciding we were better off as friends, which I'd love to say proved to be true because we became very good friends after the awkwardness went away.  Somehow, I always retained these feelings like I wish I would have hung on in the relationship a little longer, just to see what might have come of it.  Can two people really be so similar and not be meant to date?  At this point in my life, I couldn't imagine even kissing him and getting fluttery feelings, so it's not that kind of jealousy.

I'm happy he's happy, and I'm happy he's found someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I'd never, ever express anything else to him.  I don't know her, so I just hope she's the right fit for him, and I trust his judgment on the matter.  After all, no one knows him better than himself, right?

So, once again, it's time to move on with my life.  People can say all they want that I'll have my time or I'll meet a guy that will sweep  me off my feet some day, but I'm really losing faith in all the Prince Charmings out there because none have come my way in a long, long time.  I only end up with frogs that remain frogs, and I'm not willing to settle so I think I probably have a lot of waiting ahead of me.

High Maintenance Women

High maintenance women seem to be a category of women I love to hate.  I guess I just don't understand these types of women.  One of my friends (a girl) once accused me of being high maintenance for having Coach handbags.  She also said that her boyfriend is lucky he'll never have to buy her one, implying that my boyfriend at the time felt he needed to purchase expensive things for me to keep me happy.  Excuuuuse me?  This is far from the truth.  All my expensive purses have been purchased by no one other than myself and I was really offended that she'd assume something like that about me.  I don't want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things, I don't want anyone to buy me expensive things.  I like getting these things for myself, its kind of like an accomplishment or a reward to myself for something.  Everyone buys themselves designer birthday and Christmas gifts, right?  Even when they really shouldn't spend the money on it?  That's all beside the point. 

High maintenance women confuse me because I don't understand at what point in their lives they became so demanding.  I've heard countless stories from my guy friends about these women, and am thankful that I've never been inclined to do such outlandish things like them.  One of my ex-boyfriends could probably tell you I'm high maintenance, but I really think a simple phone call or a text at some point in a day or two isn't too much to ask for a committed relationship.  Hell, I don't even want to see a boyfriend every day.  Maybe 2-3 times a week, maximum.  But you could at least get in touch with me so I know you still exist!

What baffles me more than the demanding women are the men that actually put up with it.  I don't understand these people.  When a guy friend bitches endlessly about his girlfriend, I think it's probably time to part ways.  I understand, you have feelings for them, maybe you love them, but if you have to complain about their actions behind their backs and can't bring these problems to their attention, then what's the point?  Isn't communication supposed to be the most important part in successful relationships?

Obviously, I'm not one to go around touting relationship advice, since I've never even been in one for an entire year, but I still like to think I have at least a tiny bit of common sense on the topic. 

Example:  One of my friends has this girlfriend, who has, "gotten better," with her demands.  It's a distance thing, and he used to have to lie to her when he was going out with his friends sometimes because (it seemed) she wanted him to stay home if she was staying home a few hours away.  That doesn't make sense to me.  Just go out, do your thing, and text me when you get home to say goodnight or something.  She also doesn't seem to like us very much, she thinks we're mean.  I'll give that one to her, we tease each other nonstop and sometimes it can get a little draining.  But in the end, it's just teasing and she can't take the heat.  There was one time that she was his date to a wedding and we were completely turned off by something she did...every time he said something she found to be a little unacceptable, she'd literally put her hand over his mouth to stop him from talking.  I have a feeling he's himself around us, and someone else around her.  I can promise you that any boyfriend I've ever had in my life thus far would dump me if I pulled something like that.

I guess I'll just have to accept that some guys prefer being bossed around and like giving in to every demand some of these chicks make, but I hope that I never meet such a pushover guy like that.  Shouldn't everything be 50/50?  Equal amounts of give and take on both sides? 

Engagements, Babies, and Houses...Oh My!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty exciting!  They've been filled with exciting news left and right.  First, my brother and his wife are going to have a baby!  This will be my first little niece or nephew, and I'm ready to spoil the baby ASAP, I just wish I didn't have to wait 8 more months!  It's weird for me to think of my brother being a father, but I know he's going to be a good one.  Maybe not as good as our dad, because we have the best dad in the whole world, but he'll be a close second!

Also, two of my friends just got engaged!  I'm really happy for both of them, and I'm excited to celebrate their big days when the time rolls around to it.  However, me being me, I'm a little jealous.  It's strange because one friend I'm more jealous of than the other.

The first friend that got engaged I knew it was coming, but the second kind of blind sided me.  It's the second friend I'm a little more jealous of.  I've known that friend for most of my life, and she's my best friend.  We're really similar as far as our sense of humor, we can tell each other anything and everything and expect no judgment.  I can ask her something and get an honest opinion or advice, and I do the same for her.  She's been with her now-fiance for a few years and they've talked about marriage before.  She's always wanted to wait until she's finished with all her school endeavors, and she recently applied to grad school.

I guess my jealousy lies in the part of life that makes me feel like I'm being left behind.  While everyone has been out meeting their boyfriends/girlfriends/fiances/husbands/wives, I've been saving all my money to travel around Europe.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade in those travel experiences for being a wife and stuff, but I guess I wish I had focused more in the past on finding a guy that is as in love with traveling as I am.

I've been criticized in the past by a few friends for spending my money on traveling, and an ex of mine told me it was a total waste of time and money, but I just feel that there has to be a guy out there that wants to take a yearly trip to Europe, and after we've seen all those countries we'll take yearly trips to South America.  Someone that doesn't think it's a waste of time to volunteer in Tanzania and go on a safari in Kenya.  Someone who wants to go to Asia and Australia and just let go and learn about another culture.  That's the part that is so attractive to me about traveling: learning about other cultures, seeing the historical sites of places I've only read about, imagining what it must have been like to see gladiators in the Colosseum in Rome, etc.  I've been to 10 countries and I don't want to stop there!  I want to see 50 countries and all 50 states in my lifetime...and I want to do all that with someone equally passionate about it.

I guess the jealousy is mostly that she's found a guy that wants to be with her the rest of her life.  She likes traveling, too, and he's into it.  He probably knows all her ups and downs as well as I do by now, and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with her and whatever quirky habits she may bring into the situation.  I just wish I could meet someone who makes me happy like he makes her happy.  I'm so glad she's found someone like that, and I hope that my guy is just around the corner.

I've been looking at buying a house or a condo lately, and I'd really love to make such an investment.  Most days I'm really excited about it.  Then there's days like today, when I realize that making such a big investment might mean I can't travel for a while.  It's the thought of finally settling down that freaks me out.  I just don't make enough money to pay a mortgage, utilities, save money for the future, and save money to travel.  I'm hoping things will change so I can have it all, but that's a pretty famous saying, right?  "You can't have it all!"  Well, watch me, because settling down doesn't mean settling on the life you have right now.  Right? 

So, here's an early New Year's toast, or maybe a Thanksgiving toast:

I'm thankful for all the amazing people in my life, my family, friends, and the new addition I'm impatiently waiting to meet.  I'm thankful for everyone who has ever been there for me through my toughest times.  I'm thankful my two friends have found guys that treat them well and want to share the rest of their lives with.  I'm thankful for having the chance to have seen 10 countries and have amazing stories and pictures to bring home with each one.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

So, with that said, here's to moving forward!

I bet 10 minutes after writing this I'll be sulking around trying to figure out how to afford everything and my next vacation.  :)

Shoutout to my readers!!!

I'd just like to say, you guys are fantastic!  I just took a look at my blog stats and I was totally shocked to see the list of countries I've had readers from!

Argentina
Australia
Canada
Germany
Hong Kong
Latvia
Netherlands
New Zealand
Romania
United Kingdom
USA
U.S. Virgin Islands

I really do love reading about other people's lives, especially from other cultures, so if you have a blog you'd like to share please e-mail it to me at: emmaville42786@gmail.com

You can also e-mail me any stories, topics you'd like me to write about, or any questions or comments you may have!  I hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
Emma

Life Update

Since you last heard from me, a long, long time ago, a lot has happened!  Happy Halloween, by the way!  Unfortunately, I had been pretty sick and never got around to getting a costume, so I spent a relaxing night at home with some cocktails and an excellent book!

I was in Europe with my family, went to Oktoberfest in Munich, Rome, Zurich, and a few small German towns.  It was a spectacular time and I hope we do it again next year!  If not, that's fine, we did it once and it was great.

I know you know about Jordan, who is now dating someone new.  I was in Europe for a little less than two weeks, and in that time everything changed.  He's dating a girl who I won't make up a name for at this time, so I'll just call her Girl.  I know Girl, not very well, but I know her.  We all went to the same high school.  He's had a crush on her for a few years now, and he would frequently tell me about it.  Back when I dated Jordan, shortly after we broke up he told her he had feelings for her.  At that time, I was hanging out with her every now and then (through another mutual friend) and she called to ask if it was alright with me if she dated him.  I said it was, even though it really wasn't.  It's not her, it's any girl.  I didn't want him to be with any girl so soon after we broke up (a few weeks).  They didn't date.  I don't know what happened with that.

Anyway, now they're dating each other.  Maybe it was meant to be, maybe they'll have a short relationship, or a long relationship, or get married, or whatever.  Maybe they're perfect for each other.  And part of me is happy for that, really, I am.  As much as I know of her, she's a sweet girl and a good friend.  It just always sucks when, once again, you're not the right person for someone.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think Jordan is the right guy for me...but it doesn't hurt any less when you realize that, at this point in time, you're not the right person for anyone.  Obviously I'm not married, so I've never been the "right person," and I haven't found the "right person," so it is a two-way street.  It's just getting frustrating.

I don't want to talk about work.  I want to talk about the work holiday party and how I can't find an f'ing date.  Really, I'm a pretty girl, I look good in dresses, I'm funny, and I like to dance (there's dancing at this party) and have a good time.  Who wouldn't want to go with me?  Well, guys with girlfriends because those are the only kinds of guys I know.  There's this other guy, who I haven't seen in years, he's single and maybe interested.  But I don't have time for maybes, and it'd be kind of weird to go with someone you haven't seen in so long.  We talk pretty often, but our schedules never seem to line up.  I think I'm going to give up on this whole date thing.

But I don't want to give up on it!  I don't want to just meet a new guy and go with him, I want to go with someone I already know I can have fun with.  I just have this stupid imagination that tends to run wild and I imagine someone like Shawn calling me and I tell him about the party and he tells me he wants to go.  Then I get all dressed up and it'll be the first time I see him in over a year, and he'll tell me I look beautiful, and I'll believe him, we'll go to the party and he'll ask me to dance, and we'll laugh all night.  Then, he'll tell me he still likes me and wants to try it again, then I'll tell him, "No, this was only a one time thing," because he's not the right guy (as stupid as I can be about him, I at least realize he's not good for me).  We'll go home, kiss goodnight, and then I'll probably never see him again and it would at least be a much better ending than the last time we saw each other.  None of that is ever going to happen, though.

What else has been new?  Oh, I'm the extra wheel.  All the time.  And I'm getting so sick of it that I'm on the verge of being one of those girls that goes out to dinner alone or something.  My parents invited me to the Dominican Republic with them and my brother and sister-in-law.  Yeah, how about that.  Let's all get drunk and you can have your romantic vacations and I'll go back to my room and hate myself for not having met some awesome guy to share the experience with.  Plus, if I get really drunk and pass out on the beach, I really don't need my parents with me.  I've already done that and I don't think they really want to see it.  They're all going to Chicago, too.  And since I declined the Dominican Republic trip, they thought I wasn't interested, so they booked two rooms.  I went on this rant about how Chicago would be much more interesting, I can visit some family, etc, and they said, "Well, you could still come!"  Thanks for trying, but now that was just an afterthought.  I know you're all probably reading this and wondering what's wrong with me, but at this point it feels like I'd just spoil Chicago for everyone.  Anyway, no more trips for me at the moment!

November 1 is the beginning of National Novel Writing Month, so I'm going to get crackin' on that novel!  Some of you may know that it's a huge dream of mine to write and publish a novel.  I've written numerous drafts, and none of them have pleased me.  Now, I'm using National Novel Writing Month (a.k.a. NaNoWriMo) as a way to kick myself in the ass and get this novel written!  I've taken all my old drafts, made a more productive/interesting outline, and now I'm going to start back at the beginning!  I'm really excited for this project, and I really, really need it to work out.  I need to send it off to publishers and find out if I have what it takes.  If I don't, then at least I tried.  If I don't try, I'll always regret it and wonder about it for the rest of my life!

I hope this post wasn't too depressing since I'm pretty down in the dumps about love at this moment in life!  It'll get better!  I've written down tons of topics I want to blog about, I just haven't had a good opportunity to sit down and write the posts until now.  I'm really excited to finish out 2011 with a bang on this blog, and then it's on to 2012 and bigger and better things!

I'm considering making big changes to the blog, so there may be a new web address in the future, I'll be sure to keep everyone updated!  :-)

xoxo
Emma

Mistakes were made...

Before I continue this post I'd like to apologize for my hiatus again...work has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to put all my thoughts down in a blog yet!

Oh God, I'm that girl.  I've never been that girl before.  You know, the one who fools around with a guy that has a girlfriend (at least not knowing he had a girlfriend).  To top it all off, I actually broke friends-with-benefits rule #1, the most important rule: DO NOT START TO GET FEELINGS.  The only appropriate word for my entire night last night is: Fuck.

You may remember Jordan, my close friend who is also my friend with benefits.   Jordan and I haven't talked much, and haven't seen each other, in about two months.  He didn't believe me when I said this tonight, and I asked, "When did you get that tattoo?" he replied, "About two months ago."  Case and point.  Well, finally Jordan decided to meet me and my friend Snugglemuffin (this is a guy, and in various joke sexts sent between me, Jordan and Snugglemuffin, it somehow came about that we started calling him that) out for drinks tonight.  By time Jordan arrived, I was already pretty drunk.  Probably too drunk, yet I got another apple martini (they always do me in from the start) and just had some fun.

So, Jordan, Snugglemuffin and I are just sitting outside having a few laughs, when all of a sudden Matt was walking down the street.  Snugglemuffin and I went to grade school with Matt, and I really haven't seen him in about five years, so it was a really great find.  Matt stopped inside to grab a beer and sat to talk with us.  We reminisced, I sent Jordan a drunken text announcing this is who I lost my virginity to and "I would definitely have sex with him tonight if he didn't have a girlfriend."

Jordan replied, "That's on him, you're not cheating."
I said, "Yeah, I don't buy into that but he's a good boy and wouldn't cheat."
Jordan said, "I'll cheat."

MIND BLOWING!  So that's why you've been ignoring me?  In true Jordan fashion, when he gets a girlfriend we're not even friends...without benefits.  Or we are, but not like when he's single.  As the events of the night progressed, I find out that I know this girl (she went to high school with us and he dated her back then, too), she lives in another state, and they have been dating less than a week.

Snugglemuffin and Matt went inside because they were taking down the patio tables and chairs.  Jordan and I sat on the steps outside the bar and had another cigarette.  I told him I was feeling sick, he told me I wasn't driving and he'd make sure I got home, and then I buried my face in my hands.  He put his arm around me and his face close to my ear and said, "Hey, what's wrong?"  He got the silent treatment and said, "Emma, come on, tell me what's wrong, you tell me everything!"

"What do you mean what's wrong?" I slurred, "I just said I'm feeling sick so that's what's wrong."
"It seems like there's more to it than that."
"Nope."
"OK, when you give one word answers I know there's more to the story."
"Fine, FINE!  I'll tell you..." I took a deep breath and let it all out, "I can't believe you'd do this.  This is the second time you've had a girlfriend and asked me for sex, and that's not OK.  I mean, let's forget all about the morals here and just look at the situation on your end: you date girls you obviously don't care much about.  I don't know why you do it.  Did you cheat on me?"  Silence.  "No, really, did you cheat on me?  Because we were together for three weeks at one point and how am I supposed to know you weren't having this conversation with another girl?  How am I supposed to know I was any different?  I thought I was but, really, tell me, did you cheat on me?"
"No, I never cheated on you."
"I don't believe you."
"Well, of course you don't f***ing believe me.  Why would you?"
"You're right, I have no reason to believe you."
"Look, I haven't actually cheated on a girl since high school and I regretted that."
"Fine.  Anyway, you almost ignore me for two months, announce you have a girlfriend, and then ask for sex.  What am I supposed to do about that?"
"Like I said before, it's not on you, it's on me."
"Yeah, but if I'm truly a good friend, I wouldn't let you cheat.  I wouldn't encourage you to do it, and I wouldn't let you do it with me.  I also don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out that you regret this and resent me for allowing it."
"I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.  I really wouldn't regret it."
"Damn it!  Did you just look down my shirt?!"
"I'M SORRY!"

Then we laughed.  We went inside, paid my bill (he wasn't drinking) and he took me home.  I invited him to the patio for a cigarette.  I asked him, again, why he would date someone he's willing to cheat on.  Why would he even bother when he could be single and guilt-free?  Why does he date all his friends, or develop feelings for them?  He doesn't know the answers to any of these questions.

Finally, he was going to leave, I hugged him and in my complete, drunken stupor said, "Don't go."
"You're really sending me mixed signals here."
"I'm not.  I've told you I want to have sex with you.  I just want to have single sex.  You know that."
"I know, but I'm not going to call her right now and break up with her."
"So you'll call her tomorrow and do it?  Then tomorrow night we'll be all clear?" I asked, extremely hopeful.  When I found out he had this girlfriend, I got jealous.  That's when I knew the feelings were there.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, but right now I have a boner and I can only think about doing dirty things to you."
"You have a boner?" I said and pushed myself against him harder (yeah, thanks for encouraging it, drunk Emma), "Yeah, you do."
He laughed.
"Just don't leave yet, sit down and smoke another cigarette."

He sat down, I sat on his lap, put my head on his shoulder, and while he was smoking said, "Alright, if you don't want to have sex you're going to need to stop breathing on my neck because it's really turning me on."  I'll admit, I was doing that on purpose.  Drunk Emma is a horrible person! 

To cut out a lot of the middle talk here, which is all me repeating the same questions about why he'd cheat, as if the answers were going to be different, we started fooling around.  For some reason, I thought if we didn't kiss it would be less intimate and not as big of a deal.  Then he grabbed my face and planted one on me, and then it happened.  Not only was I really jealous, I had butterflies.  Those stupid, annoying, ridiculous jitters in your stomach that basically say, "HEY!  THIS IS GREAT!  KEEP GOING!" and make you think there's chemistry.

Jordan and I have a lot of strange conversations, they all stem from stupid things I usually say.  I mean, how many people create a game like Hungry, Hungry Hippos and call it Hungry, Hungry Money?  Only Drunk Emma.  It's a really great game, I'll have to explain it some time.  Also, I have a habit of telling him I have a boner instead of saying something normal.  Every time I say, "I really have a boner," he says, "I'm not sure I want to do this anymore," then pretends he's feeling around for my "erection," makes a relieved face, and continues kissing me while we laugh about it.  We have a lot of other things, but they may just be too weird.  In any event, we start laughing and end up having a really great time.

We're in the chair, he stands up while still holding me, I wrap my legs around him, and he walks to his car while still making out.  Since I'm still doing my signature Drunk Emma Laugh, it's obvious I'm in no condition to drive.  I have made it clear I don't have condoms, he didn't have any with him, we'll need to go buy some or go to his place.  Once in the car we start making out more, he says, "I just want these clothes to be off of you," I say, "I know, I know," and we keep going.  I've got a whole new set of butterflies.  The other ones telling me it's a great idea are still there, but these new ones are telling me how much of a bitch I am.

Screw the condoms, we're not having sex.  I made that clear.  "Look, I'm totally fine not having sex, but how is this OK and that's not?" he asked while his hands were doing things.  "It's not OK, but it's not as bad.  I don't know.  I don't need a reason since you can't tell me why you'd date a girl you're willing to cheat on," I reply while my hands are working on things.  He reclined my seat and things progressed.  He reclined his seat, pulled me over, my butt almost hit the steering wheel and I made yet another outlandish drunken comment: "What if my butt hit the steering wheel and it honked really loud and it seemed like a massive...I don't know...like a giant..."  he interrupted and finished my sentence for me, "fart?"  YES!  I just laughed hysterically, the Drunk Emma Laugh, and we kept kissing while laughing.  Now I'm sans pants, in my own driveway, in someone else's car.  This is a first.

He said we needed to go get condoms, I said no, he said that was fine.  Then it happened.  Yes, that's right it.  As if this situation couldn't get any worse.  I stopped kissing him, moved back to my side of the car, put my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands and just sat there staring at the ground.

"Hey, what's wrong?  Really, I don't want you to feel like you have to do any of this, I don't want you to feel bad about it," he said
"I don't."
"I don't believe you."
"Fine, I feel bad about this, but I feel even worse about something else, and the fact that I feel worse about something else makes me feel even worse for not feeling bad enough about what we're doing."  If you don't know, I know exactly what I'm talking about and can explain this later.
"Is that drunk talk?"
"Yes.  No.  I don't know.  But mostly yes.  True drunk talk."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that sometimes I have feelings for you as more than a friend and sometimes I don't.  And no, I don't have feelings when we're having sex and no feelings when we're not.  Sometimes I've been pretty emotionally detached when we're doing it."
"Is this one of the sometimes you do, or sometimes you don't?"
"I don't want to tell you."
"You can tell me, but you don't have to."

...and here comes strikes two and three:

"IT'S A SOMETIMES I DO.  I HAVE FEELINGS AS MORE THAN A FRIEND RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO CRY!"

Seriously, Emma?  Did you have to go out, get wasted, have fun, help your friend cheat, expose your feelings for him, and cry?  You couldn't just go out and have fun?  I don't cry in front of guys.  I try not to even cry because of them, and here I am like a little baby sniffling and whimpering while he pulls me into him and gives me a big hug.

Seriously, Jordan?  This is where you're supposed to say, "I didn't know you felt that way!  I have feelings for you too, all the time.  I just started dating this girl because I was giving up on you, but now that I know I can dump her!"  I mean, really, your silence speaks volumes.  Therefore, Drunk Emma cries even more.

"Emma, it's really OK," he said.
"No, it's not.  None of this is OK and your penis is still out."
He laughed, "Well I can put it away and then continue hugging you."
"No, don't put it away.  You don't feel the same and that's OK."

Silence.

"Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum came on the radio.  So we kissed and we fooled around some more.  We laughed a lot.  We stopped, he went home, I told him to text me when he got home since it was 4AM and I wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel.  I went in the house, consulted Facebook, and there it was.  Yesterday he listed his status as in a relationship with that girl.  And here I am.  Crushed.

It was fine when he was single, I didn't care.  But now that this other girl is in the picture I've gotten pretty jealous and realized these feelings are there.  I might see him tomorrow night.  I am just not sure what to do.  Part of me wants to just explode and ask him why I'm not good enough and how many people have to tell me we should just be dating each other.  The other part of me wants to just forget about it and move on, but I'm not sure how to move on from something that has, all along, seemed like such a sure thing.  Also, I can't believe I actually helped him cheat.  I also don't believe him when he says he doesn't feel bad.  Being a compulsive over-thinker, I wonder if he doesn't feel bad because he has feelings for me.  Being a smart girl, I know he doesn't, and he doesn't feel bad because that's just how he is.



PS - I'm usually not like that when I'm drunk.