Dream Man Checklist (I made a few changes)

I've never really thought about creating an actual checklist of qualities my dream man would have until a few years ago when I saw a few episodes of the show Tough Love on VH1.  On this show, a professional matchmaker helps women find men while teaching them valuable love lessons on the way.  Sometimes it comes down to a girl just not caring enough about herself, or being too insecure, not knowing how to talk to guys, etc.  There was one lady on the show that had a checklist of her dream man, and the matchmaker, Steve, told her to ditch that list.  I understand why he made her get rid of it, it's not fair to you or your potential mate to have a list of qualifications they must meet.  What if your list has 10 things on it, and he/she only has seven or eight of those qualities?  You could still be missing out on something really great!

On the other hand, I can see the good side of such a list.  Throughout all of my relationships I constantly find myself relieved when I realize this guy doesn't do that annoying thing so-and-so did, but usually the new guy ends up doing something bogus (I know some day I'll meet a guy that doesn't do bogus things, but so far that's mostly what I've encountered...come on, good guys!  I'm waiting!).  I think it's only natural to create these mental checklists based on past experiences, after all, you should be trying to improve, right?

Maybe you're thinking it isn't fair for a woman (or anyone) to have a list in mind, maybe now you'll go on a date wondering if the other person is mentally checking items off the list or not, but we all have some form of a list.  For example, you don't approach someone with hopes of getting their phone number unless they meet your physical checklist, or at least part of it.  Would you walk up to someone you find totally unattractive and try to date them?  Maybe that sounds harsh, but physical attraction is usually a reason people start talking (correct me if I'm wrong).

On another note, when I was on OkCupid for a short period of time, I was asked to fill out part of my profile that was titled, "What I'm looking for."  This just invites all those lists!  I must admit, this was a hard one to fill out.  How do I single out a group of guys?  Even more mind boggling, does any guy even meet all the qualities of my checklist?  He could, but still be a jerk.  I guess I'll have to add, "not a jerk" to the list, just in case.  Anyway, with much consideration, I've decided to compile a list of things I look for in a guy.  These aren't mandatory, but I think it'd be pretty sweet if I could find someone like this!

Physical
1. Taller than me...I love to wear heels!  Plus, I'm only 5'4 so this isn't very hard to do.
2. Nice arms
3. Not skrawny.  Total turnoff (for me).
4. No long hair
5. Nice teeth (Trivial?  Perhaps, but I can't help what I like!)
6. Showers regularly (Yes, I've had some stinkers hit on me).

Personality
1. Sweet - You can say sweet things, they don't need to be cheesy.  Everyone likes to hear they're beautiful!
2. Funny - With a similar sense of humor as me.  I'm pretty sarcastic and sometimes people don't get it.  If you can make me laugh until I cry that would be outstanding.
3. Romantic - Yes, I'd like to randomly receive flowers or something, even just once.   
4. Mature, with the ability to be totally goofy sometimes.  By mature I mean you're out of your frat-boy partying phase.
5. Responsible - This goes along with maturity.
6. Not a jerk.
7. Confident, not conceited, cocky or arrogant.  There's a big difference!
8. Outgoing
9. Flirty
10. Respectful
11. Intelligent.  I constantly try to learn new things and I Google pretty much everything.  I often blurt out completely useless information.  Did you know in Disney World, if someone vomits on a ride they call it a protein spill?
12. Doesn't need to spend every day with me.  I'm not ready for that.
13. Isn't intimidated by my fear of commitment.
14. Likes me for who I am!
15. Loves to travel...because I pretty much want to go everywhere in the world!

I think it's pretty simple.  I could have gotten super cheesy and added something about holding hands in public and making me tingle every time we kiss and blah blah blah.  But why?  If there's a real "spark" there, that stuff will just happen.  At least I hope it would.

Dr. Temperance Brennan & Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones

Or, how about everyone just watches the TV show Bones, because Agent Booth is pretty hot, and he has a great personality.  I have no idea if David Boreanaz is actually a good guy or not, and personality definitely factors in with hotness.  Anyway, if I could find a guy like that, I'd be all set.  But I'm going to get back to reality! : )

Maybe my list seems short, but it's all I can come up with without narrowing my options down to some guy you only read about in a fairytale or see in a movie.  I think the personality qualities I look for are all ones I have, so I don't think it's too much to ask for in a potential mate.  I know people out there have lists, but I'm curious what they include on theirs!  Feel free to share!

Stressed

Well, isn't that helpful?

Today I'd like to just sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I don't really have many days like this but at this point I am stressed to my limit.

I'm tired of having a job outside my field, I'm tired of not getting interviews for jobs in my field, I'm tired of half ass friends and people who say stupid things.  I'm physically tired, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep because I wake up a million times every night and I'm tired of trying to figure out the next step in my life.  I'm tired of even thinking about what to do with my life and how to get a job I love but I can't stop thinking about it.  It seems to consume 90% of my day.  I'm tired of lazy people.  I'm frustrated at not having time to work out like I want to, because that's what really de-stresses me.

I miss my best friend, we haven't talked in over a year and I guess that's just what happens sometimes.  We've been best friends for 15 years, and now we don't talk because of some really stupid stuff.  And yes, I've tried.  I think this bridge is just burned and we aren't going to rebuild it.  I've spent a year without her, but sometimes I just need her goofy jokes to get me through the day.

Everyone keeps asking when I'll move to Italy, and I don't know.  I don't want to move there forever, but maybe I need a year or two in a different place to collect my thoughts and come home with new experiences again.  But no matter what I do, in the next year or two I want to advance my career and have a big girl job.  None of that is looking good so far.

So here I am, sitting outside drinking my post-workout protein shake and smoking a cigarette (yes, I'm the picture of health) and complaining about things via blog.  How pathetic is that?  The best part of my week is the two 30 minute sessions I spend with the personal trainer.  He's hot and I don't think about the rest of my life because he pushes me to my limits.  When I run on my own I think of all this stupid crap and never come up with any solutions.

Right, so this post is just annoying and stupid, but it's all I have right now.  I promise later in the week my next post will be back to normal!

The Elusive Younger Woman

Ah, the younger woman.  Something a lot of men dream about and a lot of women fear.  I’ve never been actually dumped for a younger woman, but not too long after Shawn and I ended our relationship, he was dating a younger woman.

(Insert sound byte of a needle scratching across a record)

Wait, what?

I’m 25, how much younger does it get?

19.

You can’t even take that girl out to a bar!  You can’t order a bottle of wine with dinner!  You’re stuck with house parties and hoping her fake ID doesn’t get taken away! 

I understand in Shawn’s case this could be appealing because they’re on the same maturity level.  This is a guy that, when drunk and eating at a 24-hour diner with his friends, said, “Hey, Emma!  Look!  I’m like a boat!” and made bubbles in his water that splashed all over me.  Yes, readers, I did resist the urge to slap the bottom of the glass so it dumped all over his face.  I’m not that harsh. 

*Note* At the same post-bar meal, one of the girls at the table asked me, “I wax snatches for a living, does that bother you?” to which I replied, “No, what bothers me is that you’re talking.”  She had it coming.  I didn’t ask what she did for a living, and she was extremely annoying all night.  I won’t get into the details of this particular night (maybe in another post), but a fun night turned pretty sour with some of these people.  This particular girl was so drunk and sloppy, and earlier that night I quoted one of the best movies ever, Stepbrothers, and said to her, "I remember when I had my first beer."  I'm pretty sure she hated me.  But these are the types of people he hung out with.

I understand that older men like younger girls because of the whole sex-drive-in-high-speed thing.  But other than sex, I’m not sure how a relationship with someone considerably younger is beneficial mentally.  I’m not saying the age leap from 25 to 19 is huge, but we are definitely at different points in our lives.  I’m finished with college, considering grad school, and working full time.  This girl is still in college and probably has a whole different set of priorities.  I know my goals and what I considered important has changed a lot since I was 19, so I just don’t understand the appeal.

There are those situations where age doesn’t matter, but I’m not sure why some men go out specifically looking for a younger girl.  I prefer an older guy, but only by a few years.  I have this preference based on guys my age acting like idiots.  Although, Jake was a few years older and his actions and line of thought didn’t make sense to me either.

I think this is a situation with many possible answers, but I’m just not sure what they all are!

Strippers & Oily Man Butts

Let’s talk about strippers.  You’ve read about them briefly in my post about Shawn, and I’d like to clear the air on my feelings about strippers.

I don’t care if that’s how a woman chooses to make money.

Seriously, I don't.  Strippers have a bad reputation of being dirty and full of diseases.  I’m sure this is very true for a lot of women in this profession, but I’m also sure there are plenty of clean ladies out there that are confident with their bodies and simply make money this way rather than having sex with everyone.  With that being said, I don’t know any clean strippers.  Two girls I’ve gone to school with became strippers, and they were the stereotypical ones, but I still think they’re super nice.

It’s not the girls, it’s the guys.

Bachelor parties, birthday parties, random manly nights, that’s all cool.  Do you hang out at a strip club on a regular basis?  Because I don’t think that’s cool.  It's not the strippers, they're just doing their jobs.  But if you go to a strip club often, I think you’re dirty, trashy, and kind of weird.  I mean, really, if you have to spend that much time in a strip club it makes me think you are desperate for attention and have no game with regular ladies.  Plus, if you’re my boyfriend, I’d rather have you cherish my body because I work really hard to keep it looking good.  I’ll gladly worship your body in return.

Guys tend to fall for the mind games.

A lot of you really, really do.  Strippers aim to keep you company and have good conversation with you, it’s their job.  I can’t tell you how many guys I know that went to a strip club for whatever reason, and swore up and down that one of the girls was seriously into them.   Does it matter?  Did you get her number?  Did you give her your number and she called you?  If you answered “no” to these last two questions, she wasn’t seriously into you.  That may be difficult for you to deal with, but it’s the truth.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally fine for you to get swept up in the fantasy of "This hot chick wants me," while it's happening.  However, when you walk out that door and go home, you should be back to reality rather than bragging to all your buddies that a stripper wants to be with you.  Unless, of course, you talk to her outside of the club (as stated above).

I’ve been to a male strip show.

My friend and I were in Las Vegas and went to see Thunder from Down Under.  We bought our tickets earlier that day, thought it’d be a funny thing to do, and got dressed up to sit at a bar outside the show area to have a few drinks.  Neither of us had been to one of these shows, so we weren’t quite sure what to expect.

We got in the show room, and there were a bunch of long tables set up with your assigned seats, a stage in the front, and a bar in the back.  We took our seats, got a few more drinks, and waited for the show.  We were all giggles, like your typical drunk girls, and the men came out on stage.  Yes, they were hot (except for the one with the long hair that looked really greasy when he started sweating).  Yes, they were tan.  Yes, they were ripped.

They were on stage performing as different men from typical female fantasies: the firefighter, the police officer, the construction worker, the guy in a tux…..the mail man?  Ok, I’ve never fantasized about a mail man before, but now we all have a new idea.  They would dance, pull a random girl on stage and grind on her (that was a little sexy, I’ll admit it), strip down to their g-strings and a hat, and then come out and dance on your table or grind on you too.  I’ve never been too fond of a man that wears a thong.

My friend and I were laughing hysterically when the first guy got to our table and was dancing on top of it.  We snickered at the ladies that were unbelievably into it, and then it happened.  He waltzed his way over to our end of the table and danced in front of us.  My laughter stopped, because now I have an oiled up mail-man-in-thong ass shaking in my face.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do about this, and I grabbed my drink and started sucking it down while leaning back in my chair away from the oily butt.  That was not hot for me.  I don’t want a man ass in my face.  Sorry boys. 

*Note* I did consider spanking him to be funny, but I was scared of what he’d do to me if I did.  We did get our pictures and thongs autographed by them at the end of the show, though.

Why some guys want to date strippers is out of my realm of comprehension.

It’s always nice when other people think your mate is good looking, but when they take off their clothes and everyone sees what you see, it’s not really that special any more, is it?  I know I wouldn’t like my boyfriend stripping down to his g-string and oiling up his ass for a bunch of other chicks.  However, if I found out my boyfriend wore a g-string or oiled up his ass just for fun, I’d probably dump him anyway.  Even if no one else saw it.  Unless it was a funny prank or a Halloween costume or something.  I can appreciate that.

Some guys create a double standard.

Once, I was hanging out with Shawn, one of his friends, and his girlfriend.  The Girlfriend brought up that she had a slight issue with them going to the strip club later that night.  I found it to be a valid complaint, she had been out of town and the guys weren't going there for any specific reason, she obviously wanted to spend time with The Boyfriend after a week of being away.  The Boyfriend said, "Well, you guys are more than welcome to come with."  The Girlfriend said something along the lines of she had been there before and didn't have much fun because none of the other guys appreciated that a girlfriend tagged along.  Valid once again, I'm sure guys don't like it when you bring the old lady to watch strippers with you! 

The Girlfriend then said that there was a male strip show later that night and we could go and she would get a few other girls to come with (mind you, I did not yet have the Vegas experience described above).  Shawn and The Boyfriend both said no way, it's different for girls to go watch guys dance around.  They never said we weren't allowed to go, but they got little whiny attitudes and reminded me of a set of toddlers.

How is it different?  They never gave us an answer other than, "It just is."  

 

What baffles me the most is an ex once asked if I cared if he went out to dinner at Hooters, but didn’t ask if I cared about frequenting strip clubs.  I don’t really care about Hooters, other than the fact that I think the uniforms could use a little updating.  Those orange shorts shouldn’t be worn by just anyone.  Yikes.

What about those guys that have to lie to their girlfriends about going to strip clubs?  Those guys annoy me too.  Really, if you have to lie about your whereabouts, no matter where you are, you shouldn’t be dating that girl anyway.  If you’re constantly at the strip club, maybe she should reconsider dating you.  At least, I would.

I understand why a lot of girls don't like guys going to strip clubs.  Like I said earlier, we want you to appreciate our bodies instead of looking at a bunch of other topless or fully naked girls.  A lot of women get insecure when you're out tipping other chicks, and I'm not going to lie, I'm one of them.  But if you demonstrate your love for my body, I'm totally cool with you having a random guys' night out and every now and then ending up at a strip club.  If you come home with a funny story, I care even less!

Maybe I need to stop dating guys from smaller towns, it seems like there's not much to do other than these local clubs.  At least, that's how they make it seem.  I feel like guys in the city are more creative with how they spend their free time, and since I live in the city I should start keeping an eye out!

My "Razor Tongue"

 Jake was full of compliments.  My favorite?  He told me Katy Perry’s song “Teenage Dream” reminded him of me because I’m a “stacked, raven hair vixen,” like her.  I think this is one of my most favorite compliments ever!  Sometimes, compliments just aren’t enough. 

Jake is the most recent and last guy I “dated.”  I’ll admit it, I met Jake online.  I’ve always been hesitant of dating online, simply because I meet enough weirdos and creepers on a daily basis…in person.  Why in the world should I log onto a website and have my picture up for even more weirdos and creepers to see?  Well, I did it anyway.  I know a few people who have found success with online dating and I decided to give it a try.  An added motive:  Shawn and I had just broken up a month or so before, I thought it’d be fun to meet as many new guys as possible and I’d get over him by seeing there are so many better guys out there.

Well, I was kidding myself.  I signed up for OkCupid, made an extremely thoughtful profile, and made sure all my spelling was correct and I used proper grammar (come on, this is one of the top 5 things I look at in your profile, you need to make a good impression!).  I then turned off my computer and nervously went to bed.  Why was I nervous?  What if I woke up in the morning to a big, fat ZERO messages?  And would it be my fault if I had no messages?  Maybe I wasn’t funny, maybe I didn’t choose the right pictures, maybe I seemed dull and stupid, or maybe I should have sent a few guys messages.  Nahh, I am a totally traditional girl.  A guy should approach me (here’s where all my guy readers groan and say it’s not fair.  I don’t  feel bad for you, women have to deal with other things that you don’t!).  Or at least a guy should smile at me or something.  I’m not just going to walk up to a guy in a bar and strike up a conversation.  Why?

1.   I’ll probably look like a slut.

2.   If I had enough courage to do this, it’s probably a joke/dare and I’m not actually interested.

3.   If I was genuinely interested, and had the courage to do this, I’d probably be pretty drunk, in which case you and your friends will laugh at me and make fun of me as soon as I leave.

4.   I think it’s really hot/sexy/manly if a guy approaches a girl in the bar (sans cheesy or creepy pick up line, of course).  Maybe I’ve seen too many chick flicks, but Hollywood has put that idea in my head and given me a definition of what is romantic (I know, I don’t necessarily think it was nice of Hollywood to do this to young women, but it happened and now we all have to suffer the consequences).

5.   I’m probably with friends (I don’t tend to drink alone, unless I’m traveling in another country alone).  I hate flirting with friends around.  Especially girl friends.  Especially drunk girl friends.  Most girls I know have a tendency to give you that goofy smile and make a high-pitched, “OOOOOOOOO!” noise when you’re finished talking to a guy.  I would like to bypass this experience whenever possible.  Please and thank you.

Anyway, I nixed the idea of sending any first messages.  I woke up the next morning, surprised and happy!  I had 17 new messages!  I read the messages, looked at some profiles, I replied to zero of them.  I went to work, came home nine hours later, 12 new messages!  I replied to one of them.  He replied, using excessively poor grammar, but he seemed sweet so I gave him a try.  Then he asked me what my favorite position was.  Next.  The next few days went the same way.  I found myself online, with these attractive guys messaging me the most stupid things I could imagine.  Sorry, but you’re probably not hot enough to say such stupid things.  I got pretty pissed at how much time I was spending on this online dating thing, it felt like a part time job and I don’t care about having a boyfriend enough to devote so much time to searching for one.

Then, I was getting ready to leave for Vegas.  A few days before I received a message from Jake.  He seemed funny, his profile made him seem really smart, and he was a few years older (score!  I like guys that are a little more mature than drink-til-you-puke).  He was really cute.  I replied to his message, he replied again, and we kept this going.  I gave him my phone number and said I was leaving for Vegas in a few days.  He sent me a text before leaving and I sent him one again when I got back (after all, Vegas was not about talking to some guy I just met online back home).

Let’s cut to the chase.  I came home, we texted, called, and met.  The first date went really well, we made out for an eternity after, went home, and I was really excited that I met such a nice guy.  We went out again, and again, and again.  We were talking pretty frequently.  I patiently waited for him to make a move.  Each new date I thought he’d finally make things official.  Here’s me waiting for the guy.  Again.

Hold it right there!  Why should I wait?  OK, let’s try something new, I’ll put myself out there.

We were texting one night (primary form of communication) and a guy friend told me to ask Jake if we were exclusive or not.  I felt completely stupid doing this, but I did so anyway.  We had been texting for almost an hour, I asked, no reply.  Shit.  Now I want to barf.  I couldn’t just leave it alone.  I couldn’t just be myself and wait it out.  I had to be like every other clingy/needy girl on the planet.  Except, I wasn’t really trying to be clingy or needy, I had another guy interested in going on a date and I wanted to know where I stood with Jake.  Three hours later, still no reply.  The next day.  No reply.  But Shawn called and wanted to know if I’d be interested in dating again.  I entertained this idea for two more days, when Jake finally replied.  He said that he didn’t mean to put me on the “back burner” but he had a ton of homework to finish up (he was in his last semester at school and had taken a few years off and done study abroad).  Right.  So you wait til I ask something remotely important to put me on the back burner?  What happened to saying something like, “Sorry, I can’t talk about this right now.”  I’d understand that! 

Well, he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, I confirmed I wasn’t either (assuming this would lead into a real relationship) and we resumed life as usual, seeing each other a little more frequently.  I dealt with this for eight months.  I was his half-ass, part-time girlfriend, except without that actual title.  One day, he asked what I was going to do and I said, “Well, to be honest, I met a guy last night and I think I’m going to go out with him tonight. If that affects anything that we’re doing here, let me know.”  He said, “Well, of course I don’t like you seeing someone else, but we’re not officially in a relationship so I can’t really be mad about it.”  Yeah, true, but you can be mad at yourself.  I never had the guts to go through with the date.  I magically felt like I’d be cheating on someone that wasn’t actually my boyfriend.  Figure that one out.

Wait a second, am I being manipulated here?  This can’t do.  We had a few conversations about it, and now we don’t talk anymore.  I don’t want to get played.  I could have been doing so many better things with my time.  And yes, Jake, if you’re reading this you’ll know who you are even with the name change.  The eight months was a waste of time, even if you say in your mind it wasn’t a waste.  I don’t care about how much fun we had when we were together, because each and every time you would tell me we’d be in a real relationship soon.  It never happened.

But what about those fights?  What about the fact that I “have a razor tongue and say harsh things with little to no remorse”?  Well, that girl was wearing some seriously ugly shoes.  I honestly feel those shoes should have never been manufactured, and they made her calves look huge.  When I say, “Stop being such an idiot!” and laugh, I’m joking, not actually calling you an idiot.  You’ve seen me do this with friends.  When your friend looks like a drunk, sloppy slut, I think it’s your duty to tell her she looks like a drunk, sloppy slut.  Choose your own words, but it’s all the same idea, you’re preventing her from making a bigger fool out of herself.  My friends and I tease and make fun of each other all the time, if you couldn’t handle that type of interaction, you should have cut it off a long time ago.

Ah, and this was another distance thing.  Once again, he lived an hour away.  He didn’t want to call or text on a daily basis, I’m fine with that.  Once he started working he needed his “alone” time and sometimes he works late and after making dinner only has an hour to relax.  Blah blah blah.  Welcome to the real world, buddy.  I’m sorry you can’t budget your time more efficiently.  While I don’t consider a simple “How’s your day going?” text an invasion of personal space, I understand that you do.  However, if you’re going to ignore me for four or more days and claim it’s you needing personal space, a heads up would be nice.  Oh, and you having a problem with the distance still doesn’t make sense.  You need your alone time, so why would you want to physically see me more than once per week?  You have faulty logic.  But you don’t seem to understand that.  Or, you understand that’s how I see it and say, “We think differently about things.”

Which brings me to my next point.  If you say one more time that we have “fundamental differences” and “function very differently” I’ll go insane.  That was obvious from the beginning, but it didn’t bother you then.  And to set the record straight, I actually found this conversation funny:

Me:   So, why did you even join a dating site if you don’t actually want a girlfriend?
You:   It’s not a dating site.
Me:   How is OkCupid not a dating site?
You:   It’s more like Facebook, it’s just another social networking site.
Me:   Yeah, but I just went to the home page and it says, “Join the best dating site on Earth.”
You:  Whatever, Emma, I was using it more like Facebook.
Me:   Well, you have a Facebook already, so why didn’t you just use Facebook like Facebook?
You:   Fine, you’re right.
Me:   OK, that was a legit question, but fine, I’ll drop it.

I hope you find a girl that will play your games and never challenge you, because you don’t seem to like a life that’s remotely challenging.  Good luck.  Thanks for the compliments, I now look in the mirror and call myself a stacked, raven-hair vixen before I go out.  I also consider having a razor tongue a good quality.  So...I’m over it.    

Next!

Uh oh...

Uh oh.  I'm late.  And that's not some cute term I'm using.  I'm late.  Since I'm in freak out mode, this post will be pretty short.

I'm a week late, I just took a negative pregnancy test this morning, and there is no reason I should be pregnant.  I am on birth control (I missed 3 pills last month, not in a row, and took them the following day), Jordan used condoms (every. single. time), and I am so paranoid that I make him inspect them afterward (to assure there's no breaks of course!).

I called the doctor, because now I'm really worried.  What if it was a false negative?  But with what I stated above, how the hell could I possibly have a little Jordan or Emma inside me???  I find it impossible.  Anyway, the doctor said to take another pregnancy test in a week and to relax because stress will cause it to be late or skipped (so I need to relax.  I'm sorry, I don't really understand that concept right now!).  If the test is negative in a week, I can assume I'm not pregnant.  If I don't get my period next month, I need to go into the doctor's office and possibly get a new birth control pill (mine might be too strong and have caused my periods to stop).

Also, I've drastically changed my diet this past month.  Plus, I was working out twice a week, and the past three weeks I've been working out six times a week.  These are things (according to some research) that could cause me to have a late or skipped period.  Oh, and the nurse I talked to said to continue taking my pills, "They won't hurt the baby."

"Wait, what?  The baby?"
"If you are pregnant, that is."
"But chances are I'm not, right?"
"It is highly unlikely, just monitor your body the rest of this month!"

Ugh.  I hope I get my period soon and don't have to wait until next month.  Even if I'm not pregnant and I skip a period, and everything is fine, I still need that period as reassurance.

Luckily, Jordan is one of my closest friends and the one that I've been sleeping with, so I can be pretty open about it!  However, I assume he's annoyed by now.  He suggested, "pee on a stick," days ago and I finally did it today.

So, readers, give me ideas of how I can relax instead of constantly stress and worry over being pregnant (since chances are so slim), because I don't understand how it's possible to relax in such a situation!

Oh, and for all the guys that are grossed out and make a stupid face when a girl even mentions she has her period, grow up.  You all know it happens, it's a fact of life, and it's not like we describe details of what's happening down there (then you can be grossed out, those things don't need to be shared).

Shawn, Italy & Vegas

Shawn was a friend of one of my close friends, let's call him Adam.  Adam and Shawn were deployed together, and Adam bought an old car with intentions of fixing it up when he came home.  Adam, Shawn, and let's call the other guy Dan, were working on the car.  Since I hung out with Adam a lot, it was easy for me to meet Shawn.

But we do need to rewind a little here.  I'm not totally sure how it all happened, but I had actually been talking to Shawn while they were deployed, via Facebook, and we met for the first time the night they got home.  I drove Adam's fiance to the base they were arriving at because family and friends had a short amount of time to visit with them before they went to demobilization, and they were arriving at 1am and she had to work the next day (I didn't).  So, I offered to make the three hour drive so she could sleep in the car.  I intended on waiting in the car, but his fiance told me to come with.  It was a freezing night in the Midwest, in January, and we had to wait outside.  As usual, I wasn't prepared for this.  I very rarely wear gloves (only when shoveling), and a hat?  No way, that doesn't look good with my hair.

Anyway, Adam and his fiance were getting coffee, and I was sitting at a table trying to take a quick nap, when there was a tap on my shoulder and I very angrily picked up my head, assuming it was Adam, and saw it was Shawn.  We had a quick conversation, he said it was nice of me to bring the fiance, and he went back to visiting with his family.  Before the soldiers left, I went outside to use the disgusting bathrooms they had set up (but still, very thankful they were there) and I heard someone yell my name.  I turned around, and it was Shawn.  We had another quick conversation, and discovered we'd probably see each other soon while he was working on the car.

Now we can fast forward.  Adam invited me out for drinks with Shawn and Dan, and I met the three guys at a bar.  We then had to go downtown to meet one of Dan's friends.  This bar was full of hipsters, annoying guys, and very strange girls.  Adam was talking with Dan and his friend, and Shawn and I drank our beers and talked in a less populated area of the bar.  We then left and went back to our area for a drink at a much better bar.  Shawn sat next to me and we laughed all night, it was weird connecting with someone like that so fast.  It felt like we were back in high school, he seemed like he was reaching for my hand, but I couldn't really tell so I didn't do anything about it.  We went back to Dan's apartment to watch a movie.  Dan went to bed, Adam left, Shawn was spending the night there (he lives an hour away) and asked if I wanted to stay and finish the movie.  We started making out, he said he'd be spending the night tomorrow night, and we made plans for an actual date.

The date went really well, we went to dinner and fooled around at the apartment, then made it official.  Shawn is now my boyfriend.  But wait!  Things don't happen that easily in my life!  I had been all set to leave for Italy (my fourth trip there) for two months.  One month to take a class and get certified to teach English, and one month to look for a job and somewhere to live.  I would then return home and start the process of moving across the Atlantic.  Shawn said he was fine with all that.  He knew about it from the beginning.  A week before I left, I was in the middle of packing and he called to say we needed to break up.  He couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone so far away, especially not knowing if I'll be coming back home for good or not.  I cried.  Yes, I broke Emma dating rule #1: Never, ever cry in front of someone that hurts your feelings.  Ever.

I was so mad at him for waiting so long to tell me this wasn't ok, and mad for him even getting into a relationship with me in the first place.  I was also mad at him for spewing out a garbage line while cuddling before falling asleep: "I don't know why, but it just feels so right with you."  I bought it.  I'll give you a moment to throw up.

Moment's over.

We ended up deciding that I'd call him during the trip and we'd talk it over then.  A few things happened to me on this trip, a week in I found out about a sick family member that would lead to my decision to come home early and not move to Italy.  Shawn didn't know about this and I never told him this was the biggest reason for my early return home.  I cut my trip short, from 8 weeks to 6 weeks, spent time traveling to Brussels and clearing my mind.  About two weeks into the trip, I called Shawn and announced my plans for coming home early.  This egotistical boy thought I was coming home early for himmadeout.  I went back to my apartment.  I never told Shawn.

Since Shawn didn't want to be with me when I got home, I figured us talking was just a friendly thing.  The night after I came home he invited me over.  I drove an hour to his house, put up all my walls, and he took them all down.  We were dating again.  Red flag: "I just don't want to be alone," came out of his mouth.  So is this about me, or you don't want to be single?  I said I wasn't going to be with him if that was the only reason for dating me, he assured me it wasn't.

A month into the relationship, he went to a strip club with some friends.  Ok, I don't care, have fun!  Less than a week later he was back there.  Ok, now I care.  I find it a bit trashy to go to strip clubs so often.  It's not like these were birthday or bachelor parties.  The first time I thought it was just a random guy's night out.  The second time, when I was upset, he informed me that a friend's family owns it and they drink for free.  They don't tip the girls!  Oh, that's so comforting.  Not.  This was a serious problem for us.  Another problem I had was how different he was around his friends.  Some of them seemed so immature.  But none of this made it important enough for me to dump him.  I had such strong feelings for the guy, and I really thought this was going to be a long term relationship.  I was falling hard for him, and the time we spent alone together was some of the best times I've ever had in my life, including all the traveling.  Was I in love?  No, but had the relationship lasted longer I probably could have been.  I've still never been in love.  Oh well.


We ended things, and I'm under the impression it was for two reasons.  He was facing a huge life change and I don't feel it's appropriate to write about, even though I've changed all the names.  The other issue was he had a problem with the hour drive between us.  I didn't ever think this was a problem.  In my mind, distance should never be an issue if two people care about each other as much as we seemed to.  I was heartbroken, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he just didn't care about me enough to deal with the distance.  As bad as it feels to realize that, it's the truth.  If I was worth it to him, we would have gotten over the distance issue.

What did I do?  Two days after my brother got married I went to Vegas with a friend.  Sorry everyone, but what happens in Vegas actually stays in Vegas in my book. :)

Shawn had started working security at the strip club.  He then called me about 3 months after the breakup, when I had just started seeing someone new, and asked me if I would ever consider getting back together.  This blew my mind.  I had been waiting for this exact phone call, but when I came home from Vegas I gave up on it ever happening. 

"You broke my heart.  I can't trust that you won't do it again.  What about the distance?"
"It doesn't matter.  But I should tell you something."

He had sex with one of the strippers.  What am I supposed to say to that?  Am I supposed to be happy for you?  Should I be more attracted to you now?  I said I would consider getting back together if he got tested for any STDs, he refused and said it was stupid.  I said, "So, you might think it's stupid, but it means a lot to me.  You can't just do it and prove that you care about what I think.  I'm not even considering dating you without it."  Needless to say, we never dated again.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to.  Here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I still miss him.  I miss laughing with him, talking to him, and I really miss falling asleep together.  We've both dated other people since then, but for me it's never been the same.  I doubt he feels the same, and I won't ask him.  That'd only be annoying and I'd only be hurting myself when he says he's happy with the girl he's seeing now.  Oh well, on to bigger and better things!

PS: The girl he's seeing now won't let him hang out with me, but when I asked for a simple STD test he wouldn't humor me.  That must say something about how much he truly cared, right?

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone...

Alright, so in my Caution: Water may be Hot post, we see that Jordan and I finally got to hang out after three years.  Long story short: Jordan and I have been friends since I was 15 and he was 16.  I had a crush on him all throughout high school but never mentioned it.  He got engaged and we no longer saw each other but kept up some form of communication during that time.  Finally, I pretty much made an ass out of myself when he and his fiance broke things off and we actually got to see each other.

The night at the diner was pretty much just hanging out and talking.  We sat there for hours, probably annoying the employees, but we finally decided to call it a night.  We hugged, we left, and probably proceeded to text each other once we got home (I don't remember if the texting actually happened, but it's just what we do when we can't sleep so it's safe to assume).

We hung out a few more times, got drinks, went bowling, other random stuff.  But one night, we decided to meet back at the diner.  Now, to make things clear, my crush had come back full force and I still haven't said anything and have no idea what he thinks about it all.  We decided to leave, and while we were walking to our cars he said, "I'm glad we're finally hanging out again."

"Yeah, me too.  I forgot how much we laugh at each other."
"I don't want to go home yet," he said, staring at me.
"I don't either but there's really nothing else to do."  It was after bar close.
"Well, let's think of something," he said and we got into his car.

On the radio, a certain Taylor Swift song was playing and I started humming it (before you judge my musical tastes, I listen to pretty much everything.  And I'm not just saying that because it's what people say.  If Jay-Z was on, I would have probably started rapping.  Same for you, Kings of Leon.).  Jordan started laughing at me, as if humming Taylor Swift with no shame was funny.  Ok, maybe it was.  So I started actually singing it, and he laughed more.  Then, it happened: I caught him singing a few lines!

"Wait...you totally know this song!" I yelled
"Shut up!  If you tell anyone about this I swear I'll hit you!"
"You'd never hit me, you love me too much!  Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone (me singing off key) Why aren't you singing?"
"I refuse to humor you."

So I grabbed his hands and started making huge gestures with them, as if he was conducting an orchestra, and finally got him singing.  We both sang the chorus and laughed until it came on again and then sang it even louder.  When the song was over we kept laughing and I said, "Don't worry, babycakes, I won't tell anyone you love Taylor Swift.  And I don't think you're any less of a man for knowing the words."

"Great, now I really feel like a loser!"
"Nah, you shouldn't, I don't judge you for this.  What do you want to do now?"
"Emma...." he said, and I felt him staring at me while I sat in the passenger seat staring at my purse.
"Yeah?" I finally turned to look at him.
"I just...I don't know.  Fuck it," he said, and then he pulled my chin close to him and kissed me.

Yep, this is happening, I'm finally making out with Jordan, in a car, in the parking lot of a 24 hour diner.  I've only been waiting for this to happen for 8 years.  For once in my life I didn't over-think something, I didn't wonder what it meant, I didn't care if this was just his solution to our boredom or if he actually had feelings for me.  I just enjoyed it.  Things progressed to more than PG stuff, and I found myself in a position in a car that I hadn't been in for years.

I found myself straddling him, I almost honked the horn with my butt to get into this position and he said, "We need to find somewhere to go."  He had roommates.  I had roommates.  It was kind of an unspoken agreement that this sort of thing shouldn't actually be happening between us.  I didn't want to deal with friends giving me the, "I told you so," look.  Besides, one of my friends already predicted this would happen and I don't like it when she's right.  I agreed we needed to find somewhere else to park the car, until I noticed what time it was.  I had to be to school in four hours (yeah, I was that girl, I rarely skipped class in college).  I regrettably declined and we made plans for the next night when I was done with work and his roommate would be out of town.  Bingo.

Now, I don't really like planning sex.  Especially with someone I've never had sex with before, that just makes things seem totally awkward.  Also, I still had no idea if my feelings for him were mutual.  Anyway, I drove to his place after work, we had some amazing sex, and I spent the night (I generally don't do sleepovers).  The next night we did the same thing, but I planned on going home.  While we were laying there naked, he said, "I have to tell you something and I don't want it to make things weird."

"Being naked is never an appropriate time to tell someone something that might be weird," I said.
"Fine, I won't tell you then."
"I'm just kidding.  What's up?"
"Ok, well, I like you, and if you don't like me like that I understand." BINGO!
"I see.  And how long have you had these feelings for me?" That's right, play it cool, Emma.  Now is not the time to get all mushy.
"I don't know.  I don't remember not having these feelings for you."
"Hmm...so you're saying since we met?"
"I guess if I have to spell it out for you, yeah."
"Oh, well, if you're going to be a dick I'm going to end this conversation right now."
"Fine." (longest silence ever) "Wait, you can't do that!"
"I can do whatever I want."
"Are you just messing with me?"
"Yes."
"You have feelings for me too?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Since, well, forever," finally, it was all out there.

And there we were, naked, and my life was changed in just five minutes: Jordan was finally my boyfriend.  Of course, we, um, celebrated.

Dear readers, don't get too excited.  We dated for a week and called it quits.  Totally mutual breakup, just decided we were better off as friends.  A month later?  We dated again, for three weeks.  Same breakup.  A month after that breakup?  We dated again, for the last time, for an entire month.  It just wasn't meant to be.  It only felt that way since we had these hidden feelings for each other for so long.  With everything out in the open it was only exciting for so long.  Then, our relationship turned into really good friends that have sex.  I know what you're thinking, that's what every relationship should be like!  But sometimes it just doesn't work out. 

Where are we now, as of July 3, 2011?  Well, we're really good friends that have sex.  He's one of my best friends, I tell him everything.  When Shawn (you haven't met him yet) and I were having problems, I'd always be with Jordan forgetting about it (by that I mean getting drunk, not cheating, I'm not like that.  You can read more about what it's like to cheat on me here). 

Some of my friends have asked me why Jordan and I aren't together.  I can't really answer that question.  I know he gets random feelings for another girl, and I don't really look at him that way anymore.  It's just an actual friends with benefits situation.  Whether or not we'll date again in the future I can't tell, I don't own a crystal ball.  But, if I had to guess, I'd say that ship has sailed and things will remain the way they are until one of us gets into a relationship with someone else.  Then we'll go back to just being regular friends.  And I'm totally fine with that.

She's the Boss?

Today's blog is by my first guest blogger, M-. 

Emma mentioned to me earlier in the week that recently, she noticed a lot of her guy friends were quickly becoming involved with very domineering women (at least, on the relationship side of things - I don't think she can speak to what happens in the bedroom), and wondered what my thoughts were on the situation.

My response?

It's an epidemic.

I've been noticing it quite a bit myself - in fact, one of my best friends (we call him NorthSide on my blog) is involved in just that type of relationship.  He's since moved in with the girl (or, more aptly, she moved in with him, since he pays for the apartment himself) and has taken to adhering to her every whim (which are frequent and often absolutely crazy).  For instance, she has to get up at 6:30 in the morning and go to work, but she will not do so unless he gets up with her (this girl is 23, mind you, and he doesn't have to be at work until 9).  Otherwise, she threatens to quit her job.  He's no longer allowed to come out on the town with anyone (me especially; candidcupid readers know why) and the one time he did, she went on an especially tyrannical rampage that ended with her trying to make the cab company he had called the night before (the only number she didn't recognize in his phone, which she went through in the middle of the night) admit they were in fact a girl he had hooked up with. 

Seriously.

I don't know what the draw is.  Yes, she's semi-attractive and I'm sure she's...generous...with her physical affection, but it's nothing compared to all the negative.  She hates me for some obvious (and not so obvious) reasons, first and foremost of which is that I, quite frankly, won't put up with anything of the sort.  Don't get me wrong; I'm far from a misogynist.  I certainly don't want to be in charge.  The idea that there has to be a sense of "control" in a relationship is preposterous to begin with, but if you're into that sort of thing A) loosen the hell up and B) make sure you see each other as equals.  I refuse to be led around by the proverbial brass ring in the nose.  I'm sure quite a few females (especially after reading my blog) would be quick to say it's because of my "playboy" lifestyle, but that's little more than a throwaway label. As I mentioned before, it isn't that I'm against my lack of control, I just don't see a reason for any in general.  There are, of course, lines and boundaries that have to be respected.  I remember a particularly drawn-out fight I had with an old girlfriend when she wanted to go to a fraternity Halloween party. 

As a "slutty" Indiana Jones.

And as one of two girls who would be there, the other of which was her best friend (and career sorostitute.  Urbandictionary it, kids).

I said "no." 

The resulting argument was long and drawn out, and ended in tears (hers, not mine), but ultimately, she ended up not going.  Similarly, another girlfriend I had requested that I avoid a certain downtown venue where one of her friends tended bar.  She said the girl had made it a habit to make a pass at every boyfriend she'd had since sixth grade (how this made her a "friend" I'll never know) and that she had a particularly keen eye for me (and just so happened, what with her dark brown hair, darker brown eyes, and phenomenal figure, to be just my type).  And respected her wishes (until we broke up, that is.  And yes, before you ask, I did.  Sue me). 

There is no room for this sort of thing in the bella vita. 

Drink some wine.  Make some love.  Enjoy each other for who you are.

You'd be amazed how everything else just seems to fall right into place.

M-

(Care to read more of M's musing?  Then check out his blog over at  http://candidcupid.wordpress.com/ or follow him on Twitter)